Should I believe him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Should I believe him?
4
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 4:42am
Dear Relationship Saver,

I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 months now. We were dating for 2 years and he decided he wanted to see other people because he felt he needed something new and I was too jealous for him.

I was very upset after the first breakup and started dating other people. I figured this wouldn't be a problem for him because he wanted it more than I did. I found out from my friends that he had become severely depressed because of our breakup (which he wanted). I always knew I needed him although now I am confused.

While we were broken up for a 5 month period he started to want to date younger girls. I'm 22 and just graduated from college, so for him to start dating sophomores in college made me furious. I felt as though I was too young for a mid-life crisis and found someone who I thought at the time was potential...However, he was not. So I started talking to my old boyfriend again and it was like a candle had been re-lit. We realized that we were meant to be together.

But I'm beginning to question it. Recently I became worried when he started guilt-tripping me over past relationships during the 5 months we were apart. We both agreed that our past was..in the past and that it was best for our relationship to not bring it up because we both hurt each other in ways we shouldn't have. (I hurt him physically with dating other guys, and he hurt me emotionally by having an "emotional" relationship with someone who is a clone of me yet 2 years younger) ...

Today i had a bad feeling in my stomach though, one of those instincts that "doesn't go away" and keeps eating at you. I knew his "ex-"( whatever it was ) birthday was coming up and i checked this website he goes to buy flowers. I entered his email address and sure enough..he bought her a dozen roses for her birthday and on the card it read : "even though im 1000+ miles away not a moment goes by where i don't think of your amazing voice and your beautiful smile.." Ironically this girls birthday happens to land on our anniversary. I know it was wrong of me to go looking for information on him but I wasn't understanding why he was upset with me all the time all the sudden.

He is going on a family vacation for 2 weeks and I won't be able to communicate with him.. It's very hard also because after I graduated i went back home and so did he. He lives 3 states away and we talk on the phone every night. I told him today that I had a bad feeling in my stomach about something, and i asked him if he had gotten her flowers. He flat out denied it and almost broke up with me in the process. However we talked through it and he says that he couldnt' live his life without me and that we're going to get married in the future, he says he loves me but why would he do this????I just want to know the truth and I'm afraid he's not telling me it, obviously. I can't live my life with someone who lies to the one they love. And though he may think I am a jealous person, it stems from his dishonesty. I can't sleep because it's making me upset just thinking about it. We're ok for now but I am supposed to visit him. Hopefully these 2 weeks not talking will make him think about a lot of things and myself included. Please if anyone has any trustworthy advice I would greatly appreciate it...I don't know how to handle it without giving myself away as a "snoop". Also, i'm afraid if he does it once it will happen again??

Please help...

i_cantbelieveit

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 4:53am
He is too young and immature to have a committed relationship, in my opinion. These antics are not something you deserve - first he is dishonest and then he wants to break up with you for being mad at his actions.

His behavior is not acceptable at this point in time. If I was you, I would take a step back from him. Concentrate on your life and your career and on making new friends and dating other people. Take care of yourself first and everything else will follow.

I would tell him now that you want to take a break. You have a need to have someone to trust and your inner voice, coupled with the note and the flowers incident tells you that you cannot trust him. That note to the girl was too much in my opinion.

Do not accept less than the best for yourself. Don't let your short-term feelings of loneliness allow you to make a bad long-term decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 6:11pm
I think while he is gone you should read this book:

When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal by Susan Forward

He lives 1,000 miles way from her, three states away from you.... this situation is ripe for him leading two women on continuely and/or not having to make a decision about either of you. I agree with the other reply you got - this guy is not mature enough to be in a committed relationship. He has leftover ties (feelings) with this other girl and he doesn't want you to know. He's hidden it from you.

::I told him today that I had a bad feeling in my stomach about something, and i asked him if he had gotten her flowers. He flat out denied it and almost broke up with me in the process. However we talked through it and he says that he couldnt' live his life without me and that we're going to get married in the future, he says he loves me but why would he do this????I just want to know the truth and I'm afraid he's not telling me it, obviously.

If you KNOW you can't live with the lie, why are you? He still denied the flowers (lied) and thinks he got away with it.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 8:58pm
Is he really going on a family vacation? Why can't you contact him?

He isn't trustworthy. He is jealous. He is a hypocrite.

Surely you can do better. Surely you think you deserve better treatment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 10:41pm
So sorry. Just a thot - maybe you and the other woman aren't the only women he has going. If he can do this to 2 at a time, how many more long distant relationships can he manage to have? And you might never know. The others gave you excellent advice.

If he berates you for confronting him, maybe it's best to let him wallow in his own confusion when you tell him it's over for your own personal reasons. No need to explain.