should I bother?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
should I bother?
3
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 9:05pm
My husband walked out the door 3 weeks ago - said he needed time and space to think. Left me with lots of bills and our 17-month old. He's already rented an apartment for 6 months, and doesn't want to even discuss "dating" each other again until early October. I'm so hurt and angry. We've been married 10 years, and it feels like he's just throwing it away. I don't *think* there's another woman...seems more like a mid-life crisis to me.

My problem - should I try to mend this? Can I ever trust him again? I mean, what's to stop him from doing this same thing in a year, or two or ten. I'll admit, I'm mad that he's taking me for granted, assuming I'll welcome him back if he decides to come back. God, I'm so conflicted - I miss him terribly, but right now I hate him for what he's doing to me, to our child, to our finances, to everything.

Anyone have any advice? Should I cut and run - get through the pain now, rather than drag it out? Or wait, try to mend our relationship (if he's even willing) and forever wonder if he'll do it again? I just don't know what to do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 12:30am
I would give him a little time. 10 years is a lot to throw away.

You should worry about yourself & your child at this time...

give him space and show him that you are not dependent on him

(emotionally anyways). You need to figure out child support to

get the finances back on track but also take steps to protect

yourself and your child if he does pull this again out of the

blue. Take care of yourself and your child. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 4:29pm
My opinion differs, personally go see an attorney right now. Different states have different laws about abandonment. Also you should get child support in place and the bills paid, an attorney can help you do this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:19pm
In many states, that would be considered abandonment. First thing you need to do is get a lawyer - you need to do this to protect your child's interests.

He 'left' you with the bills and went and rented an apartment for himself? I don't think so. That is another thing to discuss with a lawyer. Right away!

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Too late - he cut and ran already. Nothing for you to do but take care of yourself and your child. You should see a therapist to deal with your emotions and how you feel about the last 10 years. This really will help you deal with everything. It will also help you deal with how to handle it if he does want to come back...

...which leads to this, if he does want to come back, and you want to give it a try, then you need to insist on couples therapy. No going back without it because he needs to develop better conflict resolution skills than just running out the door. Otherwise, he is at high risk of doing it again. He isn't going to change if he isn't given some positive comminication skills to replace the poor skills he has. Couples therapy along with your own personal therapy will also help you to develop trust in your relationship again. If that is what you end up wanting.

I wish you the best. I know that this is a terribly painful thing to be going through and it must break your heart when you think of your child. But when you do think about your beautiful little one, tell yourself that you are going to go about the business of putting your life back together and that you are going to make sure that whether or not you get back with the father, you will give your child a positive relationship to role model.

HUGS!