Should I break off the engagement?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Should I break off the engagement?
6
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 10:59am
I posted a few days ago regarding how I felt great negativity towards my fiance's desire to view porn. It's never been something we openly discuss, and it just really started bothering me lately. I don't know if I will feel comfortable living in the same house knowing that he probably has porn stashed some where. My Christian beliefs and morals are to blame for my nagative views.

I have also been feeling so upset about his previous relationships. For some reason, just the thought of him being intimate with someone else disgusts me. I know he has been faithful to me throughout our entire relationship, but he still has letters, cards, and gifts from his exgirlfriends (he says he will throw them all away when I move in with him). I know he wants to be with me, but I can't help feeling so jealous and even disappointed. I can't help but wish that he and I didn't have relationships in the past to think about. He doesn't seem the least bit bothered about my past relationships, but I just can't seem to move on!

Our relationship has been completely wonderful in almost every regard until lately. We are in the midst of planning a wedding that is half-paid for already. Am I just experiencing cold feet? Why so suddenly are all my views on him changing? I have been acting so differently towards him lately, and I just can't seem to get out of this awful place that I'm in.

Lately we have been bickering more than ever, mostly all due to wedding plans or other major life decisions that have been a topic of discussion. We never used to argue until recently. In such a short time, I feel like our relationship has turned for the worse.

We had a long discussion the other night about our relationship. He told me that he does not want to throw away what we have, and that he will try to do what he can to make me happy again. Nothing seems good enough though. I used to get excited about seeing him after work each day, but here lately, I could care less. I used to think he was funny and charming, but now he seems to annoy me.

Is it possible for my feelings and love for him to just suddenly change so drastically? I'm so scared and depressed about all of this.

Any suggestions?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 11:35am
Past is past. You've had relationships and so has he, as long as they stay in the past then fine. It's unrealistic to think that someone wouldn't have past relationships. There is nothing he can do to change it and it is your problem to deal with.

I think based on your past post and this one that it's not your beliefs and morals that are the issue with the porn. I think it's self esteem factors at the thought that he may look at porn. You can discuss that with him, but ultimately it's your self esteem and you must deal with it thru counseling or however.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 11:42am
Hi. I went back and read your previous post and all the replies. If I may offer a few thoughts;

I'm an older woman who has been happily married for 22 years. One of the major reasons our marriage has been so peaceful and happy is because we were both VERY cautious and picky in our choice of spouse to begin with. Our values and ethics are identical. I'm not kidding. We've had one arguement during our marriage. Another factor has been doing little kindnesses for each other each day and putting the feelings of the other above our own.

That being said, you have to believe me when I tell you that if something about your fiancee irritates you now, it will grow to become a boulder that will sink your marriage later. You are loosing love and respect for this man for very good reasons. First, because you are absolutely correct to be disgusted by pornography. I don't care what anyone says, that stuff is degrading and poisonous and should never be brought into a decent home. Second, because your distress means so little to him. I think what is happening here is that you are realizing that the two of you are not a match. The pornography issue and the fact that he won't give up something so trivial to reassure you tells you a lot about him.

ALWAYS listen to your gut. Stop all wedding plans and call it off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 1:42pm
Pre-marital counseling could help you put things in perspective and give you a forum to address the issues.


Carrie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 1:54pm
My best guess is that your unresolved and undiscussed differences about the pornography issue are spilling over into every other aspect of your r'ship. Until you get that issue out on the table and discuss it honestly and openly, nothing is going to "feel" right, IMO.

Why *haven't* you discussed this??? It makes no sense to me that you can't discuss even sensitive issues with the man you're planning to MARRY!

I would definitely put the engagement on hold and attend couples counseling.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 3:46pm
Many women despise porn because they believe it's morally wrong. I don't happen to feel that way about it in moderation, but women who do are perfectly justified and should hold firm to their beliefs and choose a partner who is in alignment with them on the issue. However, there is a difference between moral objection and objection based on issues surrounding your sense of self-worth - considering a man's interest in porn to be a direct reflection of your own desirability to him, his love for you, etc. Both reasons for objection to porn can exist at the same time of course, but one reason usually takes precedence. Which reason do think is the stronger?

Your inability to accept his previous relationships, feeling disgust over the thought that he was intimate with other women before you met, is the same thing as feeling that his liking porn means you're not good enough for him or has anything to do with you. You somehow equate his past relationships as having something to do with you, you equate the fact that he once desired someone else to mean that his desire for you is tainted or something like that. You're suggesting that he should have waited until you came along before having sex with anyone - never mind that he didn't know of your existence. Does that sound reasonable to you?

I agree with the others that you need premarital counseling, but you also need individual counseling to get to the root of your unreasonable jealousy (I'm talking specifically about his past). It may turn out that you can't resolve the porn issue, and that you'll have to end your relationship. But you'll still have to resolve the other issues you have, because you won't ever find a man without a past. By the way, my sister broke an engagement very close to the wedding day, and just about everything was paid for. She has no regrets. It's better to lose money than to marry the wrong man, if that turns out to be the case for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 3:54pm
I also agree that premarital counseling is needed. Since your fiance said he will do what it takes to put things right in your relationship, this is an important way to go about it.

Your change in attitude toward your fiance should be telling you something. Maybe this is the first "test" of your relationship together (the difference in attitudes about porn). Either way, you deserve to be with someone you love and respect. Your fiance also deserves to have a wife who will love and respect him.