Should I call?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Should I call?
5
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 4:37am
I'm in relationship with my boyfriend for 1 year now. We love each other very much and it seems like there's nothing wrong with our relationship. However, whenever we had a figth which usually stems from very small thing, he will keep to it and insisting that I'm the one who has been causing troubles. I don't agree but to settle things, I'm always and forever the one who has to say sorry. And, whenever we fight, he likes to say things like 'I just feel like giving up' or 'I don't know what are we'. It makes me feel very scared and insecure as though he wants to end our relationship there and then. I don't know whether he really meant it or that's just his way of speech. Somehow, I feel very insecure.

We had a fight 2 days back. It started with him keeping quiet while I struggle very hard to keep a conversation. I asked whether he is thinking of something else or just not in the mood to talk. But he said nothing. Finally I gave up and sat quietly too. Then he went home (we're not staying together). I called him and he said he is very tired to talk. So I asked why didn't he tell me he's tired? He answered that if I don't know he is tired, then he doesn't know what are we. I felt so hurt.

Anyway, I called again later in the night to say I'm sorry and all of a sudden, he yelled at me and hang up on me. I was very shocked and stunned that I don't know what to think but just sat there holding the ear piece to my ear. He has not call me since and neither did I.

I really love him but somehow I've spent 2 miserable days thinking that he'll not come back. Never a day passed since I knew him a year ago that he has not called me. Should I call him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: lyco
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 10:31am
He is being immature and manipulative. You can not read his mind and you can not go through life taking the blame like he wants you to.

Don't call. When he does, tell him that your commnunication as a couple needs to improve or the relationship is over.

Be strong!

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lyco
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 12:18pm

No, don't call him. The relationship you describe is not healthy. It is not right for one person to always say I'm sorry or take all the blame. No wonder you feel insecure. He makes you feel as though every problem or anything that bothers him is due to you. It's not. It's due to the fact that he is unwilling to communicate, or to take responsibility for his actions and feelings. Blaming you is just a symptom of the fact that he doesn't know who "he" is, and he doesn't sound willing to find out. There is simply no excuse for his yelling at you over the phone. He is dumping all his anger and frustration your way. Don't take it. There is no reason you should have known he was tired. You're not a mind reader. This is the way babies feel, that their mother's should know exactly what's going on inside them and they don't have to say a word. This is not how mature relationships operate. His behavior is not only childish it is abusive to you.


Unless he calls and says "he's" sorry - unless he is willing to communicate open and face what's going on there is no way that this relationship can progress in a way that's healthy for you. Step back and see who he really is. Be careful who you give your heart to. Otherwise you can get hurt a lot.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
In reply to: lyco
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 7:57pm
I'm sorry everyone. I called him yesterday. Sorry, I really can't helped it. We had a long talk over the phone. He told me that he feels that I have no EQ and he feels very stressed with this relationship. I asked whether this means he wants to break up. And he says that he need time to cool down and think things over. He said that we have lots of differences and if we can always quarrel over something so small, then what happen if there's a big problem coming along? He said that I'm improving day by day since I knew him but still not up to standard. He also said that as a couple, we should be able to read each other mind or I should say understand each other needs, and since we clearly don't, he wonders whether we should continue this relationship or end it so that we won't waste each other's time.

I love him very much and I don't want this relationship to end. I want to have another try. Can anyone tells me how to save this relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: lyco
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 10:06pm
'He said that I'm improving day by day since I knew him but still not up to standard'

No offense but are you kidding me??!! His love is conditional. He is manipulative. Why do you want to save such an unhealthy relationship?

Please get out and find someone who respects you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
In reply to: lyco
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 1:18pm
The answer is NO you should not call him. He obviously has issues that he needs to deal with and you should let him deal with them. Don't sit and pine over him though, get on with things like usual and when he notices that it doesn't bother you than he will more than likely come around.