Should I call him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2008
Should I call him?
10
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 11:31am

I'm confused and would love sound advice. I'm not a game player. I was seeing a man for about 4 months who travels a great deal for work and is considering a position abroad which he would take this summer. He's 60 and I'm 50 and we are both divorced. I still have three children at home. His two sons are grown and live out of town. I started to get very attached to him and about a month ago told him I thought I might be falling in love with him. He said he wasn't in exactly the same place but that he was very happy with how things were going and thought we needed to simply take things slowly.

Everything began to fall apart after that. Although he called me every single night no matter where in the world he was, when back in town, he and I would only see each other one night a week or so. Since our lives are busy and I have certain weekends without my kids I suggested we try to be more planned about the weekends I didn't have my kids. His desire was to keep things the same for now. He said he was dealing with these major decisions about his career and moving abroad and he needed some space.

We took about a week "off" and then got together to discuss what to do. He wanted to keep seeing me but felt pressure that I wanted to move more quickly then he was willing. I thought that his confusion and work life made it almost impossible for me to be "my best" in a relationship with him right now. So I suggested we break up since I was trying to be mindful of my own agenda and how it would feel to follow his. He was disappointed. We parted. And that was it. 3 weeks have gone by. We left it that he was going to be on the road quite a bit in April interviewing and figuring out what he wanted to do. And that we'd talk at some point.

I miss him terribly. I read all these books about never calling a man. Also, I do believe that he would be contacting me if he really missed me. On the other hand, he may simply be trying to sort things out before he contacts me, which is what he said he would do. But I do feel like touching base with him.

Should I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 12:25pm

Sorry for what you're going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 12:54pm
You aren't paying attention. He's telling you that he's not as interested in you as you are in him. Of course he would call if he were interested. I'm so sorry that it's not working out the way you envisioned. It hurts and I'm sorry that you are hurting. Don't call him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 1:07pm
It sounds like this guy likes you being part of his life but doesnt want to make you his entire life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 1:46pm

Welcome to the board ivysmile,


It does appear that you are more interested in pursuing the relationship than he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Tue, 04-15-2008 - 10:16pm

"There's a possibility that he took your suggestion to "break up" as an ultimatum especially if he indicated to you he was hurt by this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 12:49pm

Listen to his words. He isn't playing games or lying or confused. Don't overanalyze this. He isn't as in to you as you are with him. He doesn't want a serious relationship.


It is time to move on no matter how difficult it is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 04-16-2008 - 9:59pm

I think it's OK to call him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 1:01am

How good would it feel if he called

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 11:39am

Well, it sounds to me as though he has a lot of fear of intimacy and committment. He's running off here and there and certainly putting his work life far ahead of his relationship. Even when he was around he was minimally available, just seeing you once a week.


I suggest that you really think this over carefully. What do you want in a relationship? How much time together and committment? Do you want to be with someone who is travelling so much? Do you want to be with someone who is willinig to let this just go. If he felt strongly about the relationship, he would do his best to keep it together. You may be chasing after windmills here. Even though you are attached to him, if you focus on what you truly feel you want and deserve in a primary relationship, you may find that he is not the one.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2008
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 3:08pm
Thank you so much for these words. They are nonjudgmental and will help me focus on letting go of something that was not right. Though he says it may be just the timing, it may be alot of other things too, most importantly that a man like this, though fascinating and honest, is not going to be right for me.