Should I call it a day?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2014
Should I call it a day?
8
Sun, 06-29-2014 - 7:08pm

I could really do with some advice regarding my relationship, I am unsure how to proceed.

I've been with my girflriend, let's call her K since May 2009. K was widowed 9 months previous to when we got together, I had separated from my son's mother around about the same time and we just clicked, looking back on hindsight it was far too soon for her. The early years were difficult, K had clearly not gotten over the death her husband, ended up being off work for 2 long periods for depression, I stuck by her, but had my own difficutlies in that I had child access problems and my own father died, I also had a period off work due to stress. K has 2 children, I have 1, they got on really well, we don't live together.

When K recovered she decided she wanted a break from the relationship in 2011 so she could see what else was out there, I understood and accepted it though it hurt like hell and got on with it, we got back together at the end of the year but broke up against last year 2013 when she did not know what she wanted and now we are struggling again.

K's family have never really warmed to me, K's mother was very critical towards me right and rude from the start and I still don't get invited to family gatherings. Whenver K's parents are around I try not to be, K accuses me of not being socialable, I try my best, but it is hard when you know the people that are around hate your guts, K's husband seems to be on a pedastal and in their eyes I just don't match up to what he was. K also accuses me of being quiet around her friends, her friends though were the friends of her husband, I've rarely met them and it's kind of strange knowing that they were friends with her husband. K is a very strong woman and I get the feeling that she ran the show in her marriage.

The last few months have been pretty stressful for me, I am self-employed so when I have work I have to do it, I had difficulties with the mother of my son which have now been resolved but I've become really unsure about the future with K and I don't know what I want. I've tried explaining the line I have to walk with my son's mother but she would rather that I force every disagreement which would make things very difficult for my son.I've become increasingly anxious about the whole issue of our relationship, our sex life has gone the toilet and I find myself increasingly wanting to spend time in my own house rather than be at hers, which is hers and her deceased husbands house. We have discussed about whether or not we should live together, the reality is that my mid-week access to my son would probably not happen as K lives that much further away so I have said that I can't do it.

I feel like a I need some space, or at least to lift the pressure, all K does is critise me, to be honest I'm fed up with it, I would like someone to be able to talk to but right now I don't feel like I can talk to her, what should I do? I feel that this is going to come to a head this week and I am dreading it.

Thank you in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 06-29-2014 - 11:39pm

First of all........it's pretty obvious that K's husband might have died, but her family and friends haven't said goodbye, which of course makes it pretty hard for HER to do the same.  Part of that might be your imagination, but it sounds like it's pretty widespread.  Secondly, she's left you twice to "see what's out there"......so she's back because she's found "nothing better".  That's a low blow in itself.  She's adding to your problems because she wants you to be confrontational with your ex wife over visitations.  In other words, she's trying to "run the show" in your relationship as she did with her dead husband.  There are a lot more women on this site than men, and if you were a woman, I'm sure most people would tell you that breaking up once isn't the end of the world, but taking her back and then she left again......that should be it.  It's become a pattern with her.  Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior.  You think it was too soon for her, and it probably was.....but it was JUST as early on for you, too.  Maybe it would be for the best if you concentrate on your business and your son, and take some time off from a relationship and just take care of yourself and your boy.  Being "alone" isn't the end of the world.  It would be better then agonizing over what she's going to say or do next.  Better days are coming.......in the meantime, enjoy your son and your peaceful life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 06-30-2014 - 8:54am

On again, off again relationships are a red flag that the relationship isn't meant to be. In my opinion, a person willing to let you go even once, is just not that into you. She's done it twice. You're allowing yourself to be a yo-yo. She takes you off the shelf when she feels like playing with you, and sticks you back on the dusty shelf when she's not in the mood. Mature people in loving relationships stay together to work on problems. Separating does absolutely nothing to fix anything. It sounds like the only thing going for you two is chemistry, but it takes a lot more than that to have a satisfying relationship. If she had never run away on two occasions, I would have suggested counseling to see if a professional could give you two skills to work on the relationship. Since she left the relationship twice, to me, she's a high risk for heartbreak. At this point, i would throw in the towel, tell myself I gave it my best shot and it didn't work out. Yes, it's excruciating to break up with someone, but the alternative is spending the rest of your life with someone who tries to make you act in ways that you don't think are best for your son. You're also not having satisfying sex, a sympton of the broken relationship. If you don't feel all warm and fuzzy thinking of growing old with her, then it's time to face the facts that you're on the wrong path. Stay alone for a year and concentrate on your son. That way, you won't rebound with another inappropriate relationship. I'm sorry it didn't work out. One day, you'll meet "the one" and thank yourself for being single to give yourself that opportunity. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2014
Mon, 06-30-2014 - 9:12am

Thanks for the replys so far. I just want to reiterate that that I broke up with her last year, so it's one strike each so to speak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2014
Mon, 06-30-2014 - 9:12am

Thanks for the replys so far. I just want to reiterate that that I broke up with her last year, so it's one strike each so to speak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Mon, 06-30-2014 - 12:07pm

She broke up with you, you broke up with her, it's not the breaking up part that's the issue, it's the relationship.  You've written all the negatives about the relationship, but I have yet to see any positives!  What is keeping you in a relationship with a woman who dictates and criticizes and whose family treats you poorly?  Your responsibility is to your son first and foremost, then yourself, and then to anyone who comes into your life.  A relationship means working things out together and working toward a common goal.  It does sound like this was a rebound relationship, and because neither of you have had the alone time to figure out what you really want, and yes, do the painful work of walking away from this relationship, you'll keep holding on to one another while the ship sinks instead of trying to swim as individuals.  Look at the quote at the end of my post about insanity.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 06-30-2014 - 12:40pm

Ok you know you should have never gotten involved with someone who just prior had become a widow only 9 months ago.Obviously SHE was not in her right mind but you coming from the outside of this should have seen it was way too soon. You should call it quits because it's not getting better..the breaking up and getting back together...never a good sign in ANY relationship..PLUS her family doesn't like you..her friends make you uncomfortable because it;s her dead husband's friends...Just end it because you will only make yourself that much more miserable.Thank God you guys have your own places.You deserve to be with someone who isn't carrying all this baggage from the past with her...meaning her late husband's friends AND the fact that her family STILL carries a torch for the guy...it will NEVER change..move on.Life is way too short.You deserve better.Good luck.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 07-02-2014 - 4:18pm

I think you should call it a day and I believe you will feel a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders once you are free of her. A relationship should never be that hard and difficult as the one you have just described.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 07-05-2014 - 11:24am

 Neither one in this relationship is ready.  You are too weak.   You have to decide one or the other.  There is no comprimise.  I know this is not the advice that is PC.  But it is necessary.  Live in the house she shared with her H NO ,NOway his ghost will always be there.  Buy a neutral house. 

  But she is not emotionally ready and your are not ruthless enough.    In this culture the intended is expecting to be no1.  Even if they know of other commitments.  If you cannot give them that status be their lover but that is as far is needs to go.

dragowoman