Should I call or not...
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Should I call or not...
| Sun, 01-18-2004 - 9:09pm |
I recently asked a question in regards to my girlfriend breaking up with me. "We had been dating for three months and had never had a dissagreement or a fight. We were both very happy and were sure this would go all the way until this past Thursday, when she said she saw a red flag in me and said it wasn't working out, and couldn't see me anymore". I miss her with all my heart,and I'm dying to hear her voice and try to talk things out. I wrote her a letter, and left it at her house on the Friday for her telling her how much I care for her, and that I wold do anything to help mend whatever it was I had done to scare her off.
What I would like to know is.........should I call her? She confides in her best friend, and tells her everything. Would it be wrong to ask her what went wrong in our relationship. She, along with everybody else we knew said we were a great couple and looked so happy. I just need to know what went wrong, and if there's anything I can do to help fix it.
Thanks,
Chris

You can't fix what ever red flag she saw and if she told you what it was you would try to bargain with her, make promises, etc.
Three months into a relationship barely scratches the surface. When you meet someone, you don't know much about them, you notice certain things, feel an attraction, but you can't see the emotional baggage they carry with them. You want to get to know the person better. Where do you start? Do you try to get to know them on different levels - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically?
In my opinion, takes about a month to develop each and the longer you wait for the physical the better, because everyone can hide their true personality for awhile, usually 3-4 months. Then things change because they aren't just trying to 'get you' or trying to be nice or impress you.
a) Mentally - do you have enough stimulating conversation about a variety of things (not just about when the next time you are going to hook up together) Do you have common interests, like doing the same things, share an activity (not sex) or a hobby. Any uncomfortable pauses in the communication. How about long term goals, career objectives, plans for the future?
b) Emotionally, do you connect? How does the other person feel about family, friends, kids, small animals? Are they compassionate? Empathetic? When you have a bad day do they listen to you or blow you off? Do they really listen or are they distracted at the same time, looking away, wishing they were somewhere else, cut you short? Does the person try to isolate you from your friends and family? Huge red flag.
c) Spiritually - do you have the same belief system on some level or do they think your beliefs are 'out there.' How important is your faith? How important is their faith? Enough to share it?
There is so much that goes into a relationship. It's easy to get attached right away if you jump right into in bed. It makes it harder to let go if you slept with the person right away, only to find out that your life goals are so different and/or that there are major compatibility issues, yet because of the physical relationship people will try to hold on to a bad relationship longer than just reading the signs of incompatibility.
There can be many signs of incompatibility (red flags) and not all people are willing to discuss them. As hard as it is, you will have to accept her decision and not take it personally. You are NOT less than because she made a decision to end the relationship. Just because you aren't a good match for her, her opinion, doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you.
My best to you.
Carrie