should i divorce or go back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
should i divorce or go back?
6
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 6:17am

Hi friends -
i have been seperated from my husband now for 8 months, i applied for a house because of his abusive behaviour , and myself and my 16yr old daughter moved out, its what me and my daughter felt we had to do at the time.
My husband wont accept that this is because of his behaviour.
He blames everthing on me and our daughter, saying that we want more than he can give , wer'e too greedy etc.......

This is the longest i have been away from him , i have left him a few times and always gone back after a few months.
But this time i feel so much better , im more focused on me and daughter and i have honestly never felt better in all my entire life , ( im 44 ).

My daughter has made it clear to me that she has no intention of going back to what we left.
I dont want to go back , but i am getting so much pressure of my husband to go back as he cant live without me.
I can live without him.
I have asked him time and time again why he has so much anger , why has he no patience , he says he doesnt know , so i say , if you found out you would be able to sort it out and you would feel so much better about yourself.
He says all these people who help you talk mumbo jumbo!!!!.
I think its more to do with money , money rules him.

When i was with him , i was forever ill , i was tired , sickly , no confidence , no slef worth , never wanted to dress up , didnt want to go out.
Away from him all that has come back , i dont feel ill anymore , not tired , no headaches,
i feel sexy for the first time in ages.
He never wanted sex , it was either too late , or i was too ill , or he as too tired , i never got anything off him for christmas , birthdays , etc......its not that im materealistic , im just a hopeless romnatic , when i tell him that he just smiles and laughs at me , saying well you wont get that off me!!.
About a month ago i was feeling a little lonely , like you do i suppose when youve been one your own for the first time in 20 years,
i asked him , is there any chance you could love me like i want to be loved , show me you love me , you dont have to spend any money , just little things , that dont cost any money,
his answer was - " i cant gaurantee it ".
that should tell me really.

Weve been married 20 years , and i respect the marriage vows that we made , i really do , i am a family person , who beleives in trying again and again ,
what i dont beleive in is - staying with someone who makes you ill , who knows they make you ill and wont do anything about it , but says they love you so much , but again thats all you get - words.
Actions speak louder than words, well they do in my book.
He tells me what i want to hear , but doesnt back it up with action.
Im from the uk , for years now ive wanted to go abroad , i love new york , ive been on my own once when i had the money and the courage, i want to travel all over the world, but he only wants to go in the uk , and where he says..........
I feel so trapped and "not me" in this relationship , but on the other hand , how can i walk away from a 21 yr marriage , when he doesnt even know why im doing it??
Has it all been a sham?....
If he knew why i left , if he knew what he was doing , i would feel so much better and would be able to move on , but i cant.
He phone me all the time asking me to come round and see him , i only go for him , not me , and as soon as i get in the house i start to feel drained and tired..........
amazing really..............

Do i walk away from a 20 yrs marriage with no regrets and move on with my life , or do i try again , hoping he will change on day.........

this is so important to me , so i would love advice please as soon as possible.

Thanks

Love and hugs..........x

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 12:41pm

Welcome to the board liverbabe333,


You said you have your husband because of his abusive behavior, and that you have left him because of this several times before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 1:16pm

Don't walk away... RUN!! Run away as fast as you can from this man! Does it really matter if he doesn't understand WHY you are leaving? If he doesn't get it, it's his problem. If he can't live without you, it's HIS problem. In fact, you can ask him until you're blue in the face why he's so angry and he won't be able to tell you because he's crazy! That's why he doesn't have an answer for you. Lunatics rarely know what ails them.

His own daughter won't go back to live with him! Do you really want to put her back in a situation she so desperately wanted to escape? Granted she's old enough to live on her own now, but do you really want her to distance herself from you because you live with your husband?

It sounds like you have made a healthy new start for yourself. Please don't bow to pressure from him because for him it's not about making your marriage work, it's about controlling you and your daughter.

Yes, you can walk away from a 20 year marriage. He broke his vows when he didn't honor and cherish you. In my book, that entitles you to discard yours too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 1:57pm
Ask yourself, does GOD want you to be unhappy. I don't think so. If you and your daughter are happy and healthy with your lives now, I would say stay away. He will need to work out his issues and find his own happy place. I think he has some issues and may need to talk to someone. But the way you have described how you feel now, is great. That is how you should feel, happy, free, easy. No one should feel bad, sick or nervous in their day to day life. This is a free country and you are a grown woman, and you need to show your daughter that no one should be held captive or stuck in a bad relationship. This is how bad habits happen. We stay and suffer, show our kids and then they do it. If your daughter was in your place, what would you tell her. Stay Away. so do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:58pm

Welcome to the board iverbabe333,


How sad for your and your daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 3:55am
You've already answered your question. You and your daughter are happier than you have ever been now that you are away from an abusive, controlling personality. Why in the world would you even consider going back? But you need to take steps to sever the relationship legally and permanently. As long as you haven't filed for divorce, he can and will manipulate and control you, just as he is doing. But be prepared: Once you file, he will show his true colors again and it could get nasty. Once that happens, you will no longer harbor delusions of a happily-ever-after life with him. You will see clearly what you are "well rid of."
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 4:44am

I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone that has replied to my message on this board.

Especially to the reply from - cl-itwinflame xxx - breaking it down like that makes it all clear to me.
Please everyone , dont get me wrong , i would NEVER ever put my husband before my daughter at any cost , or at all.
She is one of the main reasons we actually left , because i could see it was affecting her so i just made the decision despite my beleifs , that we go and dont look back.
No father in the right mind would let his daughter suffer like she has and still not do anything about it, and sadly especially when this daughter was his favourite.
He pushed out other daughter aside when our youngest was born and i had to be mum and dad to our eldest , which i still find hard to come to terms with , but you do what you do at the time to make sure the kids feels safe and secure.
If i had 10 kids , i would love them all the same, .......he used to sit the youngest on his knee and when the eldest one wanted to come and sit with him , he would say there was no room??........

I know deep down i am better off without him , we have had some good times , but there have been more bad times then good.
Like the time we had just moved into our first house before we got married and my dad had bought us a newer safer front door and put it on for us a suprise while we were out one day , and when we came home , after my dad had left , he grabbed my arm and told me very sternly , that NO-ONE does thing like that while we are out and in future i ask him.
Like the time when i had to go to all my ante-natal appoinments on my own because his work was more important than the baby.
Like the time when i had an emergency c-section and was very ill after and i relalised i was the only one on the ward without flowers from their husband.
Like the time i was 8 months pregnant and i actually forgot the shopping list for asda
(walmart), and he did and emergency stop in the car, and i told him he could have hurt the baby and he told me id better not forget the shopping list next time then??
When out 6 week old daughter had colic , she wouldnt stop crying and he got really annoyed
and tugged at her pram that much, she flipped onto her face and he told me - dont you dare touch her?.....
The list goes on........the time when it was 10th wedding anniversary and he gave me card and an envelope with no writing on it , and when i mentioned it , he told me i should be grateful to get anything at all.
And of course there have been so many others , including driving the car at me at fast speed when i had our 3 yr old youngest daughter in my arms , all because he got a phone call from the credit card company teeling him he hadnt paid on time.
And the latest one where i asked him to love me and he turns round after all ive put up with , after 20+ yrs and says - i cant garauntee it!!!!......

yes i can see cleary now.
i do think he knows what hes doing , and i think if i went back i may as well lay down and die, because thats what it would feel like.

I forgot to mention -
since i have left him ,
i have got a job - a good one,
i have lost weight,
i have made new friends,
i can manage on my own,
i enjoy my own company,
i have been asked out but turned them down as i know i need a lot of time on my own , a couple of years at least.
My daughter sleeps at night for the first time in years,
she has made new friends,
she is now at college,

yes i am better off.

i just hope one day he realises what hes lost , because i would have loved him to the end of the earth, but im going to save that for someone who i deserve more.

Thank You.....Tracey xxxxxxxxxxxxx