Should I Forgive Again???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Should I Forgive Again???
8
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 8:39pm
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 12:30am

Bearing in mind that most of us have made some very poor judgement calls at times, I think it's worth looking at his behaviour in context with what he's usually like.

I remember being a 16yo and with some friends, we decided to visit a favourite teacher on a weekend. But he wasn't home, so we let ourselves into his garden and proceeded to drink some alcohol which one of us had brought. The teacher didn't come home and we were never caught. At the time, we thought visiting him would be a nice thing to do. And it didn't occur to us that our behaviour was SOOOO out of line. I look back and cringe when I think about how stupid and thoughtless we were. Anyway, my point is that me and my friends were good kids who just one time did something really stupid and out of character.

Going back to your story, you've named the thread "should I forgive again???" The word *again* make me think there have been other breaches of trust/poor behaviour from him.

What kind of guy is he.... Is this recent behaviour out of character (like me and my friends)? Or does he have a track record of poor decision making? And if you forgive him, do you think he's likely to go and do something else really dumb?

Also, you haven't mentioned any contrition on his part....however he does sound quite defensive. Is he truly sorry for what he did and admits that he was stupid/thoughtless, or does he think you're over reacting?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 11:51am

Welcome to the board lemurbug,


3 Months?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 12:14pm
Wow... This is a hard call, but jumping in a window? what the heck is that about? If he wont respect that this is your mothers house, (and yours), something is really wrong, AND if he feels ok to break in , which technically hwat he has done, his morals are all wrong. You havent been dating long enough for anything remotely like that to be ok. Just from experience, if he is making you feel 'invaded' and has not RESPECTED your space, already, you need to listen to that inner voice. Respect is a huge issue, you have to have it for a relationship of any kind to work. have respect for yourself and stand up. I have paid dearly for having a soft heart and not wanting to step up and say 'No thats not ok!' and move forward, you are holding yourself back from growing. I have learned the hard way, dont make my mistake. Maybe you should try stepping way beack because of this and tell him you should do the friend thing, so if you two grow into each other and begin to understand each other's values, you both would win.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 3:28pm

Thank you for the reply. You brought up some really good questions, and I have been thinking them over for a little while. I think a big part of this can be chalked up to his immaturity...he is 23 yrs old, but still pretty immature in a lot of ways. He had a troubled childhood, and while he has come a very long way from all of that, I think some remnants of his wild child days still remain.


Do I think he is likely to do something else dumb? I wouldn't put it past him, in fact I think it is part of his nature to be impulsive. He even said himself that it is easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. He didn't say this in terms of breaking in to my house, but as a way of explaining why he does these kinds of things sometimes. I am pretty sure he will not change any time soon, so I suppose it is up to me to decide whether I want to put up with his behavior until he matures. He does not do these things often, but often enough in the five months we have been seeing each other(only three "officially") that I am starting to worry. I have seen enough poor decision making on his part that I am beginning to believe that an attempted future with him would be a bad idea. Maybe five years down the road he would be mature enough to be tolerable.


He is definitely sorry for what he did, and has told me time and again how stupid it was and that he doesn't deserve another chance. I tend to agree with him, but his contrition seems genuine. And while I don't think it will really fundamentally change his behavior in the future, I do think that he is truly sorry for being disrespectful and invasive.


I am just trying to work things out for myself here, to figure out what to do about it. For now he is on indefinite probation, I told him I do not want to see him or talk to him until I am absolutely ready. As long as this takes, I don't care, I need the space and he needs to realize the gravity of what he has done. I am still completely up in the air on this one. Any continued input from everyone would be a great help.


Thanks!

ad Marie cb


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 4:12pm

Considering that you say he is immature and he said it is easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission, I would end the relationship. The fact that he thinks asking for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission really worries me. Most people would rather ask permission than have to beg someone for forgiveness. Makes me wonder about

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2006
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 4:16pm

How much do you like him?

If he has other qualities that can help you easily overlook this situation, stay with him.

If he doesn't, and has made you feel like crap thus far, break up with him.

But if he's cool, and can understand that what he did upset you, then obviously he's good enough to keep around for a little longer, or I would think so at least.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 11:28pm

Thanks for your reply, and thank you everyone else for your replies.


How much do I like him? I can't really begin to describe that. No one has ever been as sweet to me as he is, and that includes my husband of three years. He is a very fun and outgoing person. He would do anything to make me smile. He is always concerned for my comfort, and puts it before his own. He tends to be absentminded, and yeah he can be pretty thoughtless and stupid every once in a while, but he would never hesitate to apologize if he saw that it hurt me.


I guess I am still in the process of weighing the bad with the good. There is SO much good there. But is it enough? I think it is enough to give him more time and another chance, granted I will be keeping a close eye on him.


Thanks again everyone, I appreciate all the input!

ad Marie cb


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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 11:31am

He made a mistake. He overstepped his bounds. It wasn't so really terrible. He didn't cheat on you, tell a lie or hurt you in some way. He made a mistake in judgment. You let him know how you feel about it and he said he would correct it. This is not a big deal. Why make it out to be one? Let it go. Don't let something like this spoil an otherwise fine relationship. if it happens again, that's something else. But for now, I'd just score it up to a mistake in judgment.