Should I give up on him?
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| Sat, 02-28-2004 - 6:00am |
My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 3 years. We have been having problems for around the last 6 months. We have a lot of fights, mostly about him not yet having his license and being very lazy about doing something to get it (He is 22). I have just gotten to the point where Im sick of having to drive him to work, pick him up from his friends places, dropping and picking him up from Uni, just because he wont get a bus or a train. Ive asked him nicely so many times to try and start doing something about his license, because its not fair on me having to be at his beck and call whenever he needs to go somewhere, but he justs expects it. (I dont live with him by the way). When we first started seeing each other, i didnt mind giving him the odd lift here and there, but he relies on me to get him everywhere now.
The last 6 months he has also been really moody, I have got no idea why, I know he's not seeing anyone else, only because I take him everywhere he goes, but the majority of his moods are grumpy, and really rude.
He has also shown me how bad his temper can really be...
We were invited to a party a few weeks ago, and he was supposed to pick up a bottle of wine from work, he forgot it there and didnt realise until 10 minutes before we were about to leave for the party, he asked me to go back and get it (which was half and hour in the opposite direction) and I said not to worry about it, we'd just pick something up on the way.
It was a suprise party, so we really couldnt be late - we were also picking up a few friends of ours, and I didnt want them to miss the suprise just because he had left the wine at work. I thought I was being reasonable about it, but he went nuts, he threw a vase, and broke my standing lamp and threw it onto my bed. I have never seen anything like that from him before, and I really hope I dont see anything like it again. He apologised, but Im scared that if something so minor could set him off like that, i can only imagine if I did something to really set him off, just what he would do.
As well as that, he has a kind of weird attachment to his mother, he doesnt do a thing without consulting her first, even if it has nothing to do with her. I used to get on quite well with his mum, but she is so over bearing and manipulative, that I dont know how I could stand having her permanently in my life. She has made him (and his older brothers) totally codependant, he really cant do anything on his own, I have been trying to get him to do more things on his own and be more independant, but I dont know how long I'm going to have to wait for him to wake up and jump into adulthood.
I really just wanted to get an outsiders view on this, my mum, my sister and my cousins have told me that I need to get rid of him, but without sounding patronising, I really think that if he just tried he could get his act together he could be self sufficient.
I also wanted to know peoples opinions on a persons temperament, can someone change their temper? That is definately going to be a deciding factor as to whether I stay with him or not, because I dont want to be with someone that can lose their temper like that.
I'd appreciate any advice...
Thanks
Erin

Without sounding like I'm agreeing with your Mum, sisters and cousins...if the guy you've been seeing for 3 years REALLY wants to get his act together....give him space for 3 months.
Don't communicate or socialize with him. And then see if he honestly wants to make a few changes.
There's a "growing up issue" that he needs to address...and as much as you'd like to help him 'mature'---this is one chore he has to do on his own. SO GIVE THE GUY SPACE AND LET HIM DO SOME WORK TO GET YOU BACK! If he doesn't make an effort, this is the sign that you need to move forward.
Will the separation be difficult for you? PROBABLY. Then again, you might discover a few other men who will bend over backwards to please you...and not get your attention by tossing flower vases.
Best of luck and good wishes from Pianoguy
Men like this don't grow up until someone drops them. Unfortunately, that someone will probably have to be you. Think about it, right now he has no motivation to get his life together. He has you to drive him around and baby him, not to mention all of the love and affection. All without him giving a thing to you or your relationship, he's even lately making you miserable. He's clearly taking advantage of you. And he will until you MAKE HIM STOP. The only way to hope to change that would be to give him a swift kick out the door and hope he takes it as a hint that it's time to take responsibility for himself and his life.
Tempers don't just change. Anger problems don't just go away. This is also one of those things that he would have to deeply desire to change about himself. Only if he makes a solid commitment to himself to change his behavior (and with careful guidance) will it be possible.
My advice- Dump him. The sooner the better.
Edited 3/3/2004 5:25:06 PM ET by missnv