Should I give the ultimatum?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Should I give the ultimatum?
8
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 1:01am

I'll be 27 next month. I'm a divorced mom of a great 7-year-old and will be completing my BA in English in December.

Currently, I live with my parents---it had to be that way so that I could go to school and be able to take care of my son, plus work---sometimes up to 3 jobs with a full-time class schedule.

In February of 2006 I met a wonderful guy. He's 41--14 years my senior--, never married, no kids. He was the prototypical bachelor. But we hit it off and the age difference has never been an issue---it still isn't.

The problem is this: I live about 45 minutes away from him. Because I live with my parents, if we want alone time, I have to go to him. This was fine in the beginning, but since last September I've put 20,000 miles on my car, and have been basically living out of suitcases due to all the back and forth.

He spends time with me and my son when he can, but he works odd hours (7pm to midnight) which can make it difficult.

Our two-year anniversary is coming up and whenever talk of future plans come up, he takes this stance about how he wants to make sure everything is in order---financially, etc.

I'm dragging this out. Look. I'm a single mom, running around from my town to Chicago every week. I have to live in my state due to custody issues with my son, so if the relationship is to work, my boyfriend has to move out here because I can't move out-of-state without court permission. And it feels like my boyfriend wants a guarantee that everything will be in order before he takes the next step---whether it be marriage or starting a life together.

I love him. I love him so much that I hate being away from him as time goes on. I just want to have a comfortable life with him in it. And I need some stability for my son. If I have to keep going back and forth, that can't happen.

Do I present him with an ultimatum in February? Do I just say, "Look, it's been two years. You keep saying that you want to spend your life with me but you haven't done a single thing about it. It's time for me to move on."

I know this post was confusing---but trust me, it's much less confusing than everything I'm feeling at the moment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 7:43am

This financial goal he's working towards.....is it a concrete financial place?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 11:24am

Welcome to the board nodoubter,


You need to sit down with him and explain how you are feeling. Let him know that you would like to see him taking some concrete steps towards moving the relationship forward and if that doesn't happen you will have to end the relationship. Tell him it doesn't have to be right now, but it does have to be within "x" amount of time. Talk to him about this sooner rather than later. It is important that he know how you are feeling and what this is doing to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 12:06pm

And it feels like my boyfriend wants a guarantee that everything will be in order before he takes the next step


What does this mean?


I think it is a good idea to have that talk. There is nothing wrong with an ultimatum if you back it up. Your son needs his mom in his life more- with you in school, doing homework and up to 3 jobs and leaving town a lot, is this fair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 12:21pm

Do you want to take it to the next level with him because you are ready for a long term, emotional

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 12:39pm

My vote would be to pull back from the relationship somewhat and let him miss you. Don't drive all that distance as often. Stay warm towards him.

I disagree with ultimatums. If he REALLY wants you in his life, he will move heaven and earth to do so.

Give him a chance to pursue you. You have been making it too easy for him. Men enjoy the chase--no, men NEED the chase to recognize they are in love with you. I'm not talking about "The Rules"; I'm talking about giving him a chance to discover on his own that a life without you is not what he wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 1:19pm

Never deliver an ultimatium unless you're willing to live with the consequences.


Could you accept the notion of him saying:


"Well, if that's the way you feel, then good bye?"


Additionally, could you accept the notion that down the line, he presents you with an ultimatium?


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 1:20pm

Welcome to the board nodoubter1023,


Are you willing to walk away if the ultimatum isn't met?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 8:43pm

I really don't like or agree with ultimatums, here's why:

a) if you're issuing someone an ultimatum, it is usually over a problem which you have discussed before. OR at least it should be, because you have no right to surprise someone with "it's my way or the highway" over something they never knew was a problem.

b) if you two have discussed this before and your issue didn't really go anywhere, it's highly unlikely that an ultimatum will do any good because it doesn't really change what you've been asking for. If you've told him that you need something in order to be happy, and he hasn't done it, it's because he doesn't want to.

c) very few people respond positively to an ultimatum. In the long run, it's more likely to push him away.

I will say that 27 is pretty young, you're not an old spinster who needs to marry herself off or she'll be a lonely hag forever :) If you know that he is marriage-minded but wants to wait until he has his life more in order first, what's the rush? The right person will stick with you, marriage or not; please don't fall into the trap of using marriage to gauge how seriously he feels for you.