Should I hang in there?
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| Tue, 06-12-2007 - 10:02am |
I am totally confused about my current relationship. I have been living with my girlfriend for over a year. We share many interests, and I have been truly happy.
Last summer she lost her job, and went into some severe depression. Sometimes she would not even shower for days, and just hung around the house. I encouraged her, and gave her support, and she finally landed a decent job. Recently I found out she was likely having an affair with a Married Co-Worker, who is also 13 years older than her. I had actually suspected it, but had hoped they were just good friends. Then I saw some very incriminating e-mails, and I don't have any more doubts.
I posted the details in the support group here: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rladultery&msg=43011.1&x=y
She still insists there was no affair, but she refuses to answer any detailed questions I have about the e-mails. The last time I tried talking to her, she started sobbing, and starting saying "She always messes up her life, and she should just end it!" Now this has me scared she may try something stupid, and I am afraid to talk to her about the affair.
She owns the house we live in, and could never afford it without my income. Her new job pays much less than she used to make. I also do all the housework, and yard work. I really love this woman and want to make things work, but I feel we need to talk about my concerns with the affair. I feel we need to discus the "why", so we can concentrate on solving the problem. She tells me she wants to spend her life with me, but I feel she may just love the security I provide to her life right now, and that love may not go beyond that! It could be that the affair was a way for her to deal with her depression?
We have agreed to see a couples counselor. Would it be wrong of me to bring up the e-mails, and ask for an explanation during the counseling? I do feel guilty about even reading her e-mail. If I can't get beyond the feeling of being lied to, I don't think I will ever be comfortable with staying in this relationship. But I am also worried that if I leave, she will end up going into deep depression, and lose her house. Also, she still works with this guy, and I am worried the temptations will too great. I also confronted him via e-mail, twice, and he never even responded. I do think they have stopped having the affair, for fear of his wife, and their employer finding out.
I'm pretty confused right now! Any advice is appreciated.
Rich

Welcome to the board niceguyinvt,
Yes, I think you should bring up the emails and affairs in your sessions with the counselor. You wouldn't be about to put this past you and move forward with your relationship if this
glitter-graphics.com
Hi Rich and welcome to the board,
You are in a difficult situation since she's unwilling to discuss the 'affair' - even if it was *just* an emotional affair it does need to be address. I'm sure if the roles were reversed she would feel pretty much like you do.
I agree that counseling is the right place to bring up all this.
Thanks for the comments.
My GF has been seeing a therapist for her depression. We are going to use the same person for our couples couseling. I think the affair went beyond being just an emotional affair. She is also on medication for her depression. One of the medications has always made her feel "stupid" as she puts it. After I found out, she had a session with her therapist, who immediately changed her medications. When my GF got home that night, she broke down and sobbed, kept saying her old medication made her do stupid things, and she was sorry for doing stupid things. She never mentioned the affair, just that she had done "stupid things". I think it was her way of blaming the affair on her depression, and medication. This is one of the main reasons I want to try and work this out. Besides my love for her, I do feel the depression had a lot to do with it. I just hope she will be willing to talk about it, so we can work on what went wrong. The denial bothers me more than anything.
The e-mails are my solid proof, and I feel so guilty I read them, but also relieved that I did. I guess I am just assuming the therapist may not want to discus their content, since I had no right to be reading them?
I think the therapist will want to talk about the emails and their contact regardless of if you had a right to be reading them.
glitter-graphics.com
::I guess I am just assuming the therapist may not want to discus their content, since I had no right to be reading them?
If the counselor says this, then find a different counselor.