Should I hope to remain friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Should I hope to remain friends?
10
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 1:04pm
How do you remain best friends with someone after it's over? We didn't have a bad breakup - just painful (in fact, it's basicly been 2 weeks and I still hurt). She calls me every few days, but we still haven't had a good heart to heart talk for closure. But we were best friends for 2 years, then dated for 2 years. It's important for both of us to be in each others lives.

No Contact is killing me right now. I miss her SO much! I don't call her, she calls me. But I know that it helps me heal and can also make her reflect and maybe want to continue with our relationship. But she is and was my best friend... what do you think I should do? HELP!!

for the Whole Story of what happened, check out my first posting.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=15665.1&ctx=128

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 2:55pm
I didn't read your whole post but I do know that "time heals all wounds". It hurts now because your going through so many emotions but with time everything will fall back into place and feel "normal" again. As much as you may want to you can't rush it and two weeks probably isn't enough time to have settled especially after 2 years. It's obvious that she still cares and wants to be friends or she wouldn't call, just don't mistake that for trying to get back together because if your wrong then it will hurt all over again and probably worse - it even has the potential to be toxic to your friendship. Best wishes and hang in there....sweetnopichick

Ps. Although it hurts and all you want is to be with her again right now, the best thing may be to fill your time with other things instead of thoughts about her. You can call her and she can call you too but inbetween that time do something more benifical with your time like hang out with other friends or maybe volunteer or something. This will help you heal more than reminiscing about the past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 3:13pm
Thanks for the advice! Right... that's really my main question. I feel that I NEED the space to heal, but I still feel I want to talk to and see her (of course). I'd love to call her, but I don't want that to interfere with No Contact... if there is a chance that giving her space will re-ignite things, then great. It's really just me wanting to have hope, but realizing that if she isn't looking for anything but friendship, i still want that too. To call, or NOT to call..... today would be 3 days without hearing from her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 3:37pm
Well from my perspective, if there was a "no contact" rule put into play when you broke up but she's been calling you since then then that's pretty much been threw out the window anyway. (oh, and your welcome) Maybe no contact meant physical, not phone contact. How many calls has she made to you and how long were they? Who was doing most of the talking and what did the talking revolve mostly around? I think that info would better help with the advice/suggestion/opinion part. I think weather you call her or not depends on your answers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 6:25pm
Actually, there was never any agreement between us for no contact! She just began calling less and less about 3 weeks ago. She's dealing with the need to find a new apartment ASAP(she was supposed to be out on 6/1, and STILL didn't have a new place as of our last conversation), a crazy roomate, a new, high stress job, no money, and helping her sister plan her wedding in August. The most time between us with no contact has been 4 days, at which time she called me up and said she felt like it had been 10 days since we talked and she told some friends that she was looking forward to seeing me. We've been touching base with each other every 3 to 4 days for the past 2 weeks (since my phonecall late one Friday where she told me she was hanging out with some guy I don't know). She actually came by my house this past Friday and to pay a mutual bill we shared and ended up staying for about 30 mins. I showed her some pictures I just had developed, and she took copies of all the pictures with me in it, saying "Look how cute you are!! I'm taking these!" The calls range from over an hour long to just a few minutes. We mostly talk about how stressed she is with everything going on in her life and we've brought up the point that we STILL haven't talked about what's happened between us. The first phonecall after the Friday With the Guy, was pretty emotional for me... it had been 4 days since that call and I had been a wreck. I was really emotional, choking on words and teary eyes, but she was very nice and supportive. The last call we had on Monday was while she was on the road to her sisters to go to the circus with her sis and her fiancee and his 7 yr old daughter (my ex is GREAT with kids). I asked her to call later that night, but i havent heard from her since. I'd love to call her again, but I have mixed feelings. There seem to be pros and cons for calling or NOT calling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 8:46pm
I had 2 good freinds that were in that situation. Its hard to stay friends especially when theres still feelings there, I think the best thing to is stay away from eachother for a while atleast a month or two and give yourselfs time to get over it and then work on the friendship. otherwise it will be hard to draw aline between friendship and feelings, and you could ruin your friendship threw jelousy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 10:32am
Right. Ultimately, I want to remain friends - I know I have stronger feelings right now than she does and I don't want to ruin the possibility of continuing to be friends. I suppose I'll contact her, tell her I need some time before I feel we can really be friends and give it some time. It's still hard. My feelings of sadness and loss are SO overwhelming right now, it's hard for me to think straight about our situation... and I still feel that I need to talk to her one last time to finalize everything instead of just disappearing for the next 2 months.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 10:55am
Hi again. Well she obviously has a lot of stress on her right now but I don't think that has anything to do with any of it really. That may or may not be the reason she slowed down/stopped calling but I wouldn't focus on her stress right now. My biggest concern is that since the breakup is so fresh, those "attracted" feelings are still there (for one *or* both of you). I could write a book on being cautious during this delicate time but for both our sakes I'll just say: be cautious and try not to get caught up in the past and wishful thinking. I don't know the reason or circumstances behind why you broke up in the 1st place but it did happen and for a reason too. If you get caught up in wanting her back and missing her then you will tend to read into the things she says or does or things her friends say. You'll mistake those attempts at being friends as attempts at getting back together. I'm not saying you wont get back together but if you do get back together - make sure you actually tried to make it apart 1st and not spend all this time wanting her back and wishing things were different (does that make sense???). I'm sure you know it's hard to be "just friends" after you've gone through so much together as a couple. I wouldn't get my hopes up about being "best friends" again but there is a good chance that with time you can tone it down to just friends. It's hard to explain but anyone who's been there knows it's hard to go from being "in love" to being "friends" and to try to put the title "best friends" on it is pratically impossible. With time it will all straighten out on its own but until then if you still want to talk to her you have to try your best to push all those feeling away or you'll give/get mixed signals. As far as her not calling, you said yourself she's busy. That's probably why - so pick up the phone and call her, if even for just a few min, but keep the conversation off the past. You said that you talk about the fact you "STILL haven't talked about what's happened between us". Well that happens sometimes and for good reason. If you talked about it now it would slow the healing/getting over process and make you think about the past, which is what you should avoid in order to get over the past. Heal 1st THEN talk about it as friends. I believe you also must heal 1st to become friends too, friends without all the other emotions and feelings that is. If you try hard at becoming friends now, before your really over it, then you still end up feeling like crap because you want more than you can have. Anyways, I hope some of this helps you figure out what you need to do in order to feel better about what has been happening. Best wishes...sweetnopichick
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 2:21pm
To be honest with you I was in a similar position. I was the girlfriend who had been with someone for four years and when we broke up held on to the position of " I still want to be friends" The sad reality is that it makes the situation more difficult especially if it is fresh. When one or either both persons are still "in love" with the other. I wanted to move on, but then I wanted to stay friends with my ex because we had been a part of each others lives for so long and besides I always wanted to know all of the good things that was happening to him and help him through the bad because thats what our relationship was. However, sticking around only lifted his hopes that we would get back together and it pained him so much more than now, that I have stayed away. I believe that when its fresh you need your distance so that you can truly know what you want in need. If you two are to be together, or to be friends it will happen with time. But you need this space. You need to get through the urge to talk and see each other. Because right now doing the friend thing wont work not with the feelings still there.

Destiny

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 7:16pm
OK... I know everyone will disagree with what I did, but I called her this afternoon. I left a message and she called back an hour later. We were both really happy to talk to each other. We talked about the fact that she found an apartment and has been unpacking and moving the last 2 days. She even said I should come over and check it out. The conversation lasted about 20 mins. I told her I was going out of town this weekend and she was very intrested in that. She was with her boss looking for new offices and she said she'd call me later. She threw me some "baby" and "honey"s , but DID call me by my name once - which felt strange but is good. I'm not playing head games, and I really do want to be her friend , but I know that I need No Contact, too. She's got her apartment now, and she said a few days ago that she wanted to talk about everything, but not until after she got her place - it was stressing her out and she claimed she wanted to give me her full attention and couldnt do it when she was basicly homeless! So it looks like I can finally talk to her when I get back. Get everything out and find out what was going on in the last few months. THEN I'll tell her I need some space for a few months, till I can see her and not feel anything more than just friendship. I could tell by talking to her that she wasn't seeing me as a partner anymore. Just the inflections and things you know about someone you've been with for years. It hurt, but it was good for me. And a few weeks ago, after I would talk to her, it was like a drug. I'd be happy for a few days. Today after we spoke, I felt good about trying to be her friend, but also a little upset since I know in my heart it's over - that we are both trying to move on and not hurt the other person. After our talk next week, I need to get away from her for a while and heal. I know I still love her and want to be with her, so I have to leave for a while. Until I can feel happy she's with someone else. I need to focus on ME. Thanks for listening, everyone, and I really do appreciate all the great advice. NC is the only way I can get over this... you're right. The words can't convey the pain, but this is the hardest thing I've ever done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 8:44am
I'm very happy for you!! This time apart (a few days here and a few days there) has given you time to think things through. You've made your decision - a good one at that - and have your mind set on it and I think that's great. See, everything will smooth itself out in time. Good luck and "congratulations!!"