Should I just stop hoping?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Should I just stop hoping?
7
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 8:52am
For the summer, I have had a phone relationship with my boyfriend of 2.5 years because of distance and being away from college which we attend together.
I really missed my boyfriend, so I ended up writing a letter about everything that I loved about him. Of course I failed to add in the little things that I don't love, because they didn't matter to me in comparison to the rest.
Last night, as a response to this letter, my boyfriend called and told me he thinks that my feelings are stronger than his, which made him think that we needed to break-up because it wasn't fair on me and he didn't know what he was really feeling, so that's what he choose to do. There was no mention of a "break." I agreed, but now I don't know what to do?
I really don't want to loose him. I don't know if I just scared him and that really he does still loves me. I agree I've had my doubts but don't all relationships have them? I don't know if I should tell him everything that I'm thinking? I don't know if I should give him space to see if absence really does make the heart grow fonder?
Please any advice would help the pain that I am feeling right now ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 12:18pm

You scared him big time. Here's what probably went through his mind when he read your letter:

"Wow, this girl feels really strongly about me. How do I possibly respond to this? I'm not a romantic person, I can't possibly compete with that."

Unfortunately, when someone says that they want to break up with you over something, it means that something is important enough to them that they want to end everything you have together over it. Two and a half years is a long time together - for most normal people, long enough to know what you want from the relationship in the long run. How serious are you two? Do you talk about the future? Do you eventually want to "end up" together and get married someday?

To me this sounds like a guy who had a whole lot of seriousness dumped on him and he's balking because he hasn't really thought about what he wants. That's normal in college, it's a time when you're supposed to be finding yourself and discovering what you want to do in your life. That applies to both careers and other things, like relationships.

I will say that breaking up in college is something that a lot of successful, married couples have done. For many people it's sort of a rite of passage for their relationship; a test of how much they love each other and want to be together. If he wants to break up because he's not as serious as you are, then you have to let him go. If you two really are compatible, in love, and are meant to have a future with one another, then you will find one another again.

It must really suck to put your heart out there, and have him give you this response. Things will work out the way they're supposed to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 12:28pm

I agree with the previous post. You scared your guy off by coming on too strong with your emotions.But you did the right thing by letting your feelings out into the open. You feel what you feel for him. There is no blame to be placed here. I mean think about it...u proclaim your love to him in your letter and look at what he has to offer to you. Obviously he isn't as serious about you as you are about him. Maybe he is still taking time to figure things out whereas you are at a point where you have no doubts and you know he would be the one. His response should tell you that he needs to give you and your relation a lot of serious thought and he isn't there yet...!

So now its your call to see if its worth being with this person given the fact that distance did not make his heart grow fonder for you either. I think you should also try and focus a little bit more on the 'not so nice' things about him and really think if you can live with his flaws.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 2:29pm

My guess is that he never realized how serious you were about things and how you were probably planning a long term relationship/marriage with him. You two are young and it hit him that he has many years of single life that he wants to live. It isn't wrong, it just is.

It is admirable of him to tell you how he feels and it was the right thing for you to write the letter because it put everything into perspective. Maybe you scared him with the letter but please don't take it as 'you screwed everything up' and you want to take things back. The two of you would eventually broken up. Lt it happen now and not 5 years down the road.

'but now I don't know what to do?'

What are your options? You can't make him stay. Are you two still talking and planning on seeing each other or was he firm in telling you that it is over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 3:28pm

Thank you for all of your responses. I really appreciate them and they are helping me put everything in perspective.

“How serious are you two? Do you talk about the future? Do you eventually want to "end up" together and get married someday?”

We never really talked about the future. It was a much more we are happy today then we’ll see about tomorrow. But I never felt there was a risk that there will be no tomorrow. We are graduating next year and we had began to think about maybe trying to go to school near each other. I felt happy with who he was and even his flaws and I did think that he would be someone that I was happy with spending the rest of my life with, but I wasn’t planning a wedding.

“What are your options? You can't make him stay. Are you two still talking and planning on seeing each other or was he firm in telling you that it is over?”

Before we started dating, we were good friends and how he left it last night was “I think you feel stronger for me than I feel for you. I think we shouldn’t be dating anymore. I don’t want to hurt you. I still feel you are my best friend and I think that you have always considered me your best friend.” So he still wants to be able to talk and be friends and even said that we should still go to the zoo together like we were planning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 4:37pm

Unfortunately being his friend may really hurt. You will hope that the friendship will turn into something more and that he will realize that he misses you romantically. Meanwhile he will be dating others.

Best friends talk about a lot of subjects, including who they are dating. Will you be willing to do that with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 5:22pm

Thank you for all of your responses. I really appreciate them and they are helping me put everything in perspective.

“How serious are you two? Do you talk about the future? Do you eventually want to "end up" together and get married someday?”

We never really talked about the future. It was a much more we are happy today then we’ll see about tomorrow. But I never felt there was a risk that there will be no tomorrow. We are graduating next year and we had began to think about maybe trying to go to school near each other. I felt happy with who he was and even his flaws and I did think that he would be someone that I was happy with spending the rest of my life with, but I wasn’t planning a wedding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 5:30pm

"Best friends talk about a lot of subjects, including who they are dating. Will you be willing to do that with him?"

I guess that is what I know I won't be ok with when I see him with other girls. That I also know he knows would hurt me. So I think I might try being friends but I hope that I will have enough sense to stop trying when it starts to hurt too much or when I start to hope too much that he will change his mind.