should i keep him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
should i keep him?
4
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 11:02am
I've know this guy for 5 months and we've been together for 3 of them. He is 21 and I am 24. We broke up this past Wed because we were fighting a lot and he said we were better friends. Although I didn't want to break up I felt relieved. Like a weight had been lifted. But I like this guy a lot and I know he likes me to.

Most of our fights dealt with spending time together. We are always together during the week. On weekends though he always had to see what his friends were doing. He would always say I was invited but then he would be going into a bad part of town, not want to bring me there and usually it was just the guys. After breaking up we talked and he admitted that he just doesn't want the obligation of a girlfriend. He wants to be able to go out with his friends. During the week he'd go anywhere with me but on the weekends he doens't want to miss something so he sees what the guys are doing and then decides what he wants to do. I understand where he is at right now. I to did the whole thing were I wanted to go out and do whatever I wanted and I could b/c I didn't have to "answer" to anyone. He is also afraid that I want the serious committment thing and am ready for marriage. This is because all of my friends are getting married. I think they are crazy and although would like to be with the guy I'm going to marry I don't want that ring right now. I still have to get settled with what I want in life first.

The strange thing to all of this is that we spent the whole weekend together. Friday we went out to lunch and then went out to one of the bars with his friends that night. We just hung out. On the ride home he was very mad but then started to cry. I asked him what was wrong (yes we both had been drinking). He told me he loved me and he was upset b/c he didn't deserve me and said he would only hurt me. He knew putting his friends first isn't right but said he can't help it. He knows one day he would get out of this stage but not now. He was really mad. He stayed over that night and woke up with me the next morning and gave me a kiss. That night he showed up at my family party and then went out with his friends but at the end of the night came over my house to sleep. Sunday night we watched a movie at his house. We joked that we are better friends.

The only thing that has changed in our relationship is that we didn't fight this weekend and we lost the title of boyfriend/girlfriend yet we still act it!

I just don't want to set myself up to be hurt. I don't know if I should cut all ties off with him (which would really hurt) or just take it day by day and see what happens? I told him as long as we are honest with each other and talk we should be fine. Am I in over my head or will I be alright?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 11:26am
Here's where you're at. You're "officially" broken up - so there is absolutely no more obligation, responsibility or commitment to you in any regard on his part - or you to him.

And yet....now that you're someone he's not obligated to he didn't midn spending this one weekend with you. Why? Because he didn't have to....as he said - he doesn't want obligation, responsibility and requirement to the wants, eneds, standards, and goals of someone else while pursuing his life at this time.

You were simply a "good option" this weekend - as in next week or next weekend, you easily might not be. He has no obligation to you per your own admission.

So, officially now you're "acting like a girlfriend" with a guy who's openly stated he doesn't want a relationship - but doesn't mind the sex, fun, companionship of you when he desires to have it, without obligation to you when he doesn't. You're in FWB.

So if you don't want to be in FWB...stop "acting like a girlfriend" and when you do that, in all honesty, be prepared for the entire friendship to do a fast fade.

He was with you not becuase he admires, respects, and accepts you as an individual on a fundamental level and as a valued asset to his life in intangible ways. He ws with you for the fun, sex, companionship and the obligation got too much - and he broke it off altogther.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 11:55am
I have to agree with Erin on this one. He said he doesn't deserve you and knows he will hurt you. Foreshadowing in my opinion. That way when you do get hurt because he blows you off, then he doesn't have to explain because technically, you knew that he was going to do that already. It sucks, but cutting off all ties is initially the hardest thing you will have to do, and then later on you will thank yourself for not dragging yourself through the mud with this guy. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 1:05pm
He is 21 years old and doesn't want to get tied down(I don't blame him) and he is being honest with you. Listen to his words. Don't expect change. Either leave things how they are and enjoy it (date others) or break it off if you decide the two of you want different things but don't live weekend to weekend hoping he will want to see you.

And the next time you are with him while he is driving and drunk, ask him to pull over and call a friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 4:09pm
Thanks ciao gina and everyone for their perspective.

He is 21 and I understand where he is at in his life b/c i've been there.

I really do enjoy being with him and talking to him. We've had a lot of fun these past couple of days b/c we didn't have to be together we wanted to be together!

The few people I talked to told me to give it the summer. We had a blast this weekend and didn't fight. I hope it continues. I'm happy and he is to (I asked him). We'll see what happens!

Thanks again!