Should i leave him?!?! I need advice!
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| Tue, 10-23-2007 - 1:08pm |
Hello all,
So I have written on here before about me and my boyfriend. I recently wrote about how he and his friends enjoy drinking excessively and going out each weekend. I mentioned how that has really bothered me throughout our entire (over one year) relationship. I have been talking to him about it and he has agreed to change his drinking habits...he insits that he is ready to change and that he won't be a weekend drinker forever....but in the past when we have discussed this, he says he will change and nothing chages.... Should I trust that now he really does want to change and take charge of his health to stay in our relationship? I feel bad that he is changing for me and he has never asked me to change anything for him. It is wrong of me to ask him to change right?
This is my first real relationship and he is my first love. He is my best friend and he is so supportive, loving and kind to me and overall I feel like our relationship is wonderful. We live together and we talk about how we want to be together forever and we are very much in love. However, lately I have been worried that he might not be the one for me. I dont know if I belive that each person has a soul mate or any of that stuff but sometimes I wonder if there is somebody else out there who would have more similar life values than my boyfriend and I do. I dont understand why I am feeling this way because my boyfriend is nothing but sweet and loving to me. It would hurt him so much to not be with me...he says it would kill him if we ever separated but the last thing in the world he wants is to hurt me.
We are very different...I am 21 and he is 26. I am a full time college student and my parents are helping me get through school. I have dreams of going to graduate school in Public Health or Nursing and getting a career in the health and fitness industry. My boyfriend went into the Army after high school and now works in the lumber business and has no plans to go to college or no idea what he wants to do with his life. I have traveled internationally to over 15 countries and really love to travel, my boyfriend does not even have a passport. I love to travel, he has never left the country..I can't help but think that if he was going to be a traveler, then he would have been somewhere by the time he was 26, right? I always dreamed that whoever I wound up with forever would travel the world with me..and I dont know if he would ever do that...he says he would but actions speak louder then words, right?
My boyfriend and I also have different eating habits and exercise habits, i love to eat healthy and work out and well, he would rather sit around and eat junk food. I know these seem like silly things, and they have not really been issues until recently...I guess I am realizing how different we are..but does that mean we are destined to not work? The main problem in our relationship has been his weekend binge drinking wtih his guy friends (I do not really drink...ill have a cocktail or something every now and then but i do not like to get drunk) and we are working to fix that but I can't help but notice our other differences too. Does anyone have any advice? Am i just blinded by love and can't see the fact that we are too different to last? Or is it true that opposites can compliment each other and work well together? I am just needing some help because I feel like even though we want to be together forever that it may not be the best for us both....

I remember wanting to be together forever with my first love, too. It's really romantic sounding to stay with your first love, right? Sadly life doesn't usually work that way. Each person we have a relationship with gives us really valuable experience as far as how to relate to someone romantically, and learning what we really want in the person we find to spend the rest of our lives with.
I think you know he's not the one for you. I can't convince you to leave if you don't want to - I remember very well the feeling that if you just hold on longer, if you can just get through to him, maybe things will work THIS time...
But you know in your heart that this won't be the last time you ask him to change, nor will it be the last time he promises and fails. He's 26 going on 16. You have so much going for you in your life, why is THIS particular man "the one"? Because he's your first love? Think about that for a minute. It doesn't make sense.
I want to point out one other thing - His mind equates binge drinking with friendship, that's what his friends get together and do. It's what they have in common with one another. Asking him to stop drinking excessively is like being in a knitting circle and your boyfriend telling you that you can't knit anymore. Now obviously those two actions are very different but I hope you understand that I'm pointing out the significance of his drinking to the friendships he has. It's very likely that if he didn't go out every weekend and get drunk with his buddies, those friendships would disappear. I am certain that he knows this in the back of his mind.
I know you want a future with this guy, but think for a minute about what your future will be like when things don't change. Look at yourself in 5, 10, 15 years putting up with him becoming a fat lazy alcoholic. Laziness, binge drinking, and a general ennui about caring for oneself do NOT culminate in a happy person having happy relationships. Guys who continue this behavior turn into the kind of men you'll read about often here. Take a glance at some posts from unhappily married women on these boards, who knew what they were getting into by staying with someone and now regret it sorely.
You have a better life to live than this. He may love you very much but he can't give you the life you deserve, and his promises are short-lived. Don't cut yourself down at the age of 21, saying "there's no man but this one for me." We've all been there, we've all thought that, many of us have T-shirts about it, and those of us who have moved on are HAPPY about it. Those who haven't moved on will continue to post about how miserable they are.
It's your choice, I hope you can live the life you want under the circumstances you allow yourself.
Welcome to the board lillrosita,
You've already gotten good advice, I just want to recommend a great book for you to consider: Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis.
Welcome back lilrosita,
Listen to what your gut instinct is telling you. It is usually always right.
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