Should I leave before I fall in deeper?
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| Thu, 08-09-2007 - 4:47pm |
I need advice. I am 23 years old, and my boyfriend is 24. I am thinking about breaking up with him after one month of dating because I just don't feel the magic anymore. I've been in serious relationships before and I know this dip is normal, but I am drained of the energy and patience I once had to work things out. I don't want to risk heartbreak again. I'm sick of waking up every time I dream something beautiful. I'm tired. As that song by The Fray goes, "I'd rather run the other way than stay and see." And as Fergie says, "I foresee the dark ahead if I stay." Sigh. ='( I just can't do this.
I can't explain how depressed I am right now. I feel hungover from the sweet intoxication of what I thought was love. It's probably because I got with him only one month after the one who I thought was the love of my life dumped me (after 2 years of being together). I KNOW I should've listened to my mom and stayed single for a while, but it made me feel so powerful and vengeful when two guys ran to me at the first opportunity. Especially the one who is currently my main squeeze and I know want to leave. He BEGGED me to be his girlfriend. And he is so romantic, and unafraid to show affection, and he's everything my ex wasn't. But I see too many red flags. He's stingy, he listens to Tom Leykis, and he seems like the type who is afraid to get married (as romantic as he is). If I fall in love with him more, down the road this is going to be a problem because I DO want to get married, settle down, and start my family. I don't want to get married after 30 either, but I don't want to have a direct discussion and set deadlines either. And I don't want to just leave it to time because that is time wasted. I have no energy left.
Sigh. I don't know what to do. He IS the best sex I've ever had, and he IS the most romantic and poetic. But sometimes I feel like he's just telling me what I want to hear. Even my friends have described him as "creepy" and "special."

Welcome to the board mllemoi,
If you are already feeling like this after only a month of dating, than I would say this isn't the right relationship for you. It is probably just a rebound relationship, and is a normal thing to go through.
Listen to what your gut instinct is telling you to do.
glitter-graphics.com
Whoa. I think your first mistake is putting so much emphasis on music lyrics and caring that he likes a particular artist that you don't. I've dated a guy once whose musical taste I hated so I understand where you're coming from, but I wouldn't list that as a red flag.
You seem to be in love with the idea of having that "spark" yet you also state that you care whether or not he wants to get married someday. These ideas are very conflicting; someone in your state of mind probably should not be considering marriage at this point. You sound like a person who needs a lot of reassurance but also you seem to want someone who is less available than this guy is for you. Romantic as he is, he sounds like he bores you. That magic you're referring to, by the way, is actually INSECURITY. It's the feeling of liking someone so much and not knowing exactly how much they like you back... It fills your heart and makes you think of him 24-7 and always keeps you on your toes. That has nothing to do with love, and while it's a wonderful feeling, it's nothing compared to having the connection that shared experiences and a long time together can bring. Being addicted to that spark, especially at 23, is totally normal. But don't kid yourself by thinking you really want a long-term relationship right now; I think you like the idea of being married someday but wanting it and being ready to find "the one" are different things. The magic wears off, even in the best relationships. If you want to feel that with someone then break up with your boyfriend. If you're not head-over-heels for him after only one month then I'm not sure why you're with him. Date other guys, you'll eventually find one you like a lot more and has better long-term prospects. Don't be afraid to really jump in there and widen your dating prospects; meeting new people is a huge part of being a 20something and if you tie yourself down or depress yourself over a boyfriend you only feel lukewarm about, you'll be wasting a lot of time.
Edited 8/9/2007 6:17 pm ET by eggbertshootsfire