Should I leave my man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Should I leave my man?
6
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 7:59am
Hi! I have been dating my bf for almost 4 yrs. now and living with him for about 1yr. We are engaged to get married (no date yet). He is an all around nice guy has never hurt me or cheated on me. My problem is that he has become kind of controlling with me. He has bought a house that we live in together but he won't let me do simple things with the house. For example I want a dog, a fence, a pool, things like that but he tells me no. If this is suppost to be our house together why can't I do anything? We are suppost to get married, why would I if he will never let me have any say in what goes on? We fight over little petty things like this and I tell him I will move out if he keeps it up. I feel very hurt that he would be so mean and act like this. I don't even feel like it is my home too I feel like a damn roommate. He is the type of person that things everything is either his way or the highway. I just want some equality in our relationship. What should I do? I have already discussed this with him and it gets me no where. Thanks everyone!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 10:49am
Pools and dogs are not petty issues. They are big, expensive and long term responsibilities so I can see his point. But the real issue here is how he treats you in general and how controlling he is. Does he insult you? Does he try to control where you go and who you see?

This kind of behavior is unexcusable and will only get worse after marriage. He won't change unless he sees it as a problem and wants to start treating you better. Do you see that happening? Does he ever listen to you? Does he ever let you have a say?

Assume he won't change and decide if you want to live like this for the rest of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 11:50am

i agree with gina. but i was wondering - HE bought the house? who is paying the maintenance, morgage, bills? who is doing the cleaning, etc? you say that you

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 03-04-2004 - 2:01pm
I agree with both gina and sk1960 and would add - have the two of you discussed your financial responsibilities, debt, goals for the future?

A fence is probably a necessity if you have association rules about landscaping. Maybe you two need to discuss a budget and priorities. Maybe he feels you two can't afford it right now, but this is something that should be discussed instead of him just saying 'no' thinking you know why he's saying no.


Edited 3/4/2004 2:17:40 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 9:47am
Thank you everyone! Ok I can say that he is buying the house. It is in his name only since we are not married yet. I just pay him a set amount of rent every month. He normally don't boss me around but sometimes we have such differnt views. For example he took my W2's away from me so he could do my taxes. I didn't want him to because I have someone else who does it for me each year. But he said it would be free if he did it. So he took them away from me and did it himself. Then he was yelling at me because I wouldn't let him do it. I think the only reason he did that was to make sure that I didn't claim that I paid him rent. There is nothing I can claim for rent anyway. I was just upset that he was being so forceful with me and had some kind of power trip going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:10am

in a nutshell - this is a BIG RED FLAG. your fiance is not "bossing you around" - he is very controlling and when he doesn't get "his way" then he resorts to violence. yes - he is "just" yelling at you, but this usually goes in stages - and once you get *used to * the yelling, he might move on to other things. but hey - even yelling at you is just plain WRONG. whenever one of the people in the relationship is very controlling about money, house, decisions, etc - that is time to re-evaluate.


please - there are web sites which list behaviors that are consistant in controlling abusive men (there are sites here on ivillage, i am just in a hurry right now ). please - you do NOT have to put up with this abuse and it will not get any better - only worse.


how do i know? BTDT....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:20am
I agree with what the others have said. You should look at this as a "red flag." My opinion is, if you pay him "rent," which is probably half of the mortgage or close and you two are planning on getting married, then he should see it as "our" house and not "my" house. If you weren't paying anything and he was the primary money maker, then that's a different story and he'd have the right to do what he wanted to do with the house. However, you ARE paying for half and you ARE getting married, so he should see it as belonging to the both of you. I don't like the W2 story, either. That's your business and your money. You should take care of those issues the way you want, not the way that he wants. Seems like a control freak to me. And, if your suggestions about the house are always shot down, he's going to shoot them down when you're married, too. I would talk with him and explain to him that you pay to live there, which helps him pay the mortgage so technically, you own a part of it and that makes it your house as well. Tell him you would like to be taken seriously about what you want to do with it. If he's controlling you now, he's just going to get worse in the future.