Should I let go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
Should I let go?
4
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 3:45pm

My husband and I have been married for 17 months. Throughout our marriage, he's been rather depressed. I love him, but I feel like I should not allow his behavior to continue. Seeing that I really have no control over his behavior, I feel like I should just leave. I believe in marriage. I believe strongly that you shouldn't give up on your relationship, and definitely not break your vows. At the same time, as a woman, I cannot allow myself to be someone's doormat. He goes days, and sometimes even weeks without speaking to anyone in the house (myself or the children). Most recently, he stopped speaking for a full week, and says it was because I said I would be home around 3pm, my phone died, I called at 6pm to say I was on my way, and I arrived home at about 7pm. He says this is unacceptable!

I feel like this is very petty, but because these are his feelings, I try to validate him, and apologize. He then accused me of patronizing him, and said that when he finally felt like he was coming out of his depression, I did something stupid and sent him right back to a torturous depressive state. Hence, he has decided to leave and will inform me of his decision to file for a divorce as soon as he knows. My coming home at 7pm instead of 3pm has led to a break-up? ...What am I to do? How do I save my marriage? Do I try and save it? How can I help him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: kayra_j
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 4:46pm

You sound confused about what you want--do you want to leave or to save your marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
In reply to: kayra_j
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 5:24pm

Hello. My husband and I dated for 1 year prior to getting married, but met about 8 years before that. We have 2 children (ages 7 & 17). Both girls are mine by birth, and our 7 year old, he adopted (he's the only dad she knows). I believe he was depressed before our marriage, but he hasn't actually been diagnosed with depression. He has been diagnosed with PTSD after fighting in the war(a topic he refused to discuss). Another thing he refuses to do is seek treatment.

I am confused! I want to save my marriage, but I feel silly when everyone around me tells me I should leave him and I still want to hold on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: kayra_j
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 6:47pm

Welcome to the board kayra_j,


I'm sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2007
In reply to: kayra_j
Mon, 11-19-2007 - 8:23pm

Hi Carrie,
PTSD has been my excuse for all that he goes through and all that he does. I have thought about seeking counseling for myself, but I guess I'm a bit afraid that I would be encouraged to leave. I'm afraid of loosing him, afraid of allowing my marriage to fail. I suppose a better title may have been something like, "afraid of letting go".

I have a history of abusive relationships, so in some twisted way I feel like I am giving up on my husband too quickly! Almost as if to say it'll only get worse. You know, since he's acting this way now, I guess my fear is that eventually he could become explosive or something like that. So where my confusion comes in is, I want to be with him so badly because he has been a wonderful husband and friend, but at the same time I believe in my heart ALL men have the potential to become abusive (what makes him any different). I feel like, maybe I just haven't seen it yet. Like I'm anticipating it.

I know I need counseling, but I'm not quite ready for that.

-Kayra