should I move on?
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| Tue, 02-17-2004 - 5:55pm |
I am in a 4-year long relationship with someone who's studying here in the U.S. We're both 27 and are both pursuing graduate degrees. We've talked about the future but could never reach any agreement: I want to get married by 30, but he doesn't think he'll be ready, nor does he know when he will be. He just refuses to set a clear timeline. Also he doesn't want to stay in the U.S. so that means if I want to be with him, I'd have to move to Europe and learn a brand new language. We recently broke up because we saw no future for us. More precisely, he didn't even want me to move to Europe with him because he thinks that I will be unhappy. But the break-up didn't last long. We saw each other everyday (in school) and it was just too hard to cut this relationship completely. So we got back together.. but the problems are still not solved. During our short break-up, I've been chatting frequently with someone I've met briefly in a conference a few months ago. He lives abroad - the same country that I am from. We share a lot of interests and future goals. After exchanging a few emails, we began to chat with each other everyday on line. He knew my situation and said that he really likes me and that if I were there, he would've asked me out. He has a stable career and is ready to settle down. From every aspect, he fits my profile of an ideal life-time partner. On Valentine's day he said that he wanted to fly here and see me.. But I told him that I can't see him now because I am still involved with someone. On that day we confirmed our feelings for each other. Still, I told him that I need some time to sort out my problems and won't see him until I am single again.
Here is my problem. I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend, but I just don't see us having a future together. We have such different values and goals (cultural clash?) I like the other guy a lot too but we're 14-hours flight away from each other. I am not sure if I am ready for the potential problems(long distance relationship.. it'll be at least a year and half before I graduate). But I can totally see myself with him in the future. Right now, I even wish that my boyfriend would just break up with me, because I certainly don't have the heart to do it (I feel guilty because I emotionally cheated on him).. and I don't know if I can take the torture of having to see him everyday (we're in the same office). He's graduating this June and will be moving away. I am hoping that I can break up with him then when I don't have to see him everyday. But I really don't see the point of waiting so long.. on the other hand, I don't want him to think that I am breaking up with him because of this guy.. I think we're doomed to separate with or without him. Right now I am tortured by my own guilt and I feel so shameful that I am dishonest to my boyfriend.
What should I do? Sorry for the long story and thanks for your advices in advance.

The reason you both hang on to each other is that you are attached to each other, the environment that you are in has feed the relationship, making it easy and comfortable and allows you to overlook the basic incompatibility issues you raised in your post.
So what to do - suggest you both start dating others? Suggest you break up, because you know he's leaving in June and you aren't going with him? Be honest and tell him you met someone and would like the opportunity to pursue it since you both know your relationship isn't long-term?
While June isn't that far away, there is no point in dragging it out.
Carrie
Then don't do him any favors by staying with him. Yes you love him but you are right-you aren't a match in the long run. You want different things.
'Right now, I even wish that my boyfriend would just break up with me,'
You are underestimating him as an adult and as someone that can handle a break-up. You are treating him like a child. He will get through it. Have enough respect for him to let him go.
'because I certainly don't have the heart to do it (I feel guilty because I emotionally cheated on him)..'
That is a reason to stay? That doesn't make sense. You are choosing to lie to him rather than to let him go.
A separate issue:
Don't jump into another relationship with someone who will be long distance. Isn't that the reason that it won't work with your current boyfriend? The distance, the living situation, etc? You would be going from one bad situation to another.
'But I can totally see myself with him in the future'
You haven't met. You don't know his day to day life, habits, living situation, etc. You know very little about him-only what he chooses to tell you.
Obviously your an intelligent woman (advanced degree, etc)
Why waste your time trying to be with someone? Why not focus on YOU
Why be in such a hurry?
Stop putting some much emphasis on the when and just let things be and see what happens.