Should I Simply Give Up and Let Go
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| Sat, 10-25-2008 - 8:28pm |
Hi Everyone:
Hoping to get some sound advice here and I will try to make this long story short. Dated this guy for 8 years, we broke up and he married someone else 6 months later. Fast forward 5 years, he is divorced and looked me up. By this time I had moved to another state. We reconnected through mutual friends. Any way after about 4 months of communication and seeing one another, I got a job offer back in my home state where he lives. Things seemed to be going well, although we did have our moments, we were attempting to work through them. Then I find out that I am pregnant and ofcourse we go through the round and round about my not having the baby. He said he wanted to just focus on us, however, I did not want to have an abortion, so I choose to keep the baby. For a month after I made this decision, we fought like cats and dogs and then I just decided I was done fighting. He seemed to come around, we started spending more time with each other, he told his family and friends, overall I thought we were headed in the right direction. Anyway, about a month after his conversion, I noticed him distancing himself and he basically limited his contact with me to text messages. Finally, this past week, I simply went to his house and knocked on the door and we ended up having a 4 hr conversation, about how he didn't want this and he can't deal with us and he just wants to focus on the baby, I point blank asked him, so are you saying you don't want to be with me? And his response was that is not what I am saying, but I told you

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Welcome to the board seeker9209,
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Sweetie, you can't make a decision that he strongly disagrees with and expect him to want to continue the relationship with you.
Seeker, I sincerely agree with true.blue.
While this choice was yours, you made a decision that affects the rest of his life and now he has to live the next 18 years of his life around the decision you made unilaterally. I'm not saying it's entirely your fault, but he is suffering the consequences of it too. Then you get upset that he doesn't seem as interested in the relationship - when it was you made the choice to alter the dynamic of your relationship, not him. Having this baby will change things, it already has. Reproduction isn't fair, and I wish you two had discussed this beforehand and used better birth control. This could have been avoided - it would be wise to remember what went wrong for the next time.
I understand your need to think about yourself right now but your concern seems to be with you and your feelings about this relationship, not about what he thinks or what you're going to do for this baby now. No this isn't what you planned, but it is what you chose. The probability of losing him is a consequence of that.
If you can move to a place where you have supportive family and friends, you should do that. I'm sorry about your no-win situation and if having this baby was the right choice for you then maybe your relationship will have to come to an end because of it. I hope it doesn't, and that you can move somewhere you feel better.
Well, the others are right, having a child is certainly best made as a joint decision.
Thank you for your response and just as an FYI, he is 37 and I am 34. I feel the same way you do, that we should be dealing with this in a more mature manner, but his lack of wanting to speak with me, or be in my presence is mind boggling to me. The funny thing is, that we spoke about having children, ofcourse not as soon as we did and I looked at it as yeah this wasn't planned but we can make the best of this situation if we are serious about being together. Well, it appears one of us was more serious than the other. I am all about giving him his space but I do not see how this situation can improve if he fails to face up to it. Because we have mutual friends, I get emails and text messages congratulating me on the baby, so he is telling select people about this and from what I am getting from them, he seems to be happy, but the times we interact, I am made to feel like I have done something to him, as if I have ruined his life. I am getting more and more resigned to the fact that, he may be happy about the baby and just not happy about me and he never really wanted to be with me to begin with.
Welcome to the board seeker9209,
I think it is time to leave the romantic part of your relationship in the past and just let him be a father to the baby to whatever degree he wants to be.
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Dear Seeker,
Although the premise of your message was regarding letting go of a love best left in your past, I hear no mention of your feelings about becoming a single mother.
As harsh as this may sound, please take it for what it is.
>>I am made to feel like I have done something to him, as if I have ruined his life. <<
Yes, of course.
True Blue:
I do understand where you and he are coming from, but the fact remains no matter how unfair it is, I was not the only person who made the decision to have unprotected sex, which resulted in this situation. Or are we going to take the stance, that this situation resulted from my not having an abortion, it seems that no matter what choice I made, the end result would be the same. He just doesnt want to own up to the fact that in reality he didnt want to be in a serious relationship to begin with.
Thanks for your comments, however, the level of insensitivity shown from him is uncalled for in my opinion, you go from
seeker,
If he is 37 with no kids yet and is this depressed about being a father - there may be a serious incompatibility between you two that would have ended the relationship anyway. Can I ask if you've ever discussed having children or if either of you have kids of your own?
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