Should I Simply Give Up and Let Go
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| Sat, 10-25-2008 - 8:28pm |
Hi Everyone:
Hoping to get some sound advice here and I will try to make this long story short. Dated this guy for 8 years, we broke up and he married someone else 6 months later. Fast forward 5 years, he is divorced and looked me up. By this time I had moved to another state. We reconnected through mutual friends. Any way after about 4 months of communication and seeing one another, I got a job offer back in my home state where he lives. Things seemed to be going well, although we did have our moments, we were attempting to work through them. Then I find out that I am pregnant and ofcourse we go through the round and round about my not having the baby. He said he wanted to just focus on us, however, I did not want to have an abortion, so I choose to keep the baby. For a month after I made this decision, we fought like cats and dogs and then I just decided I was done fighting. He seemed to come around, we started spending more time with each other, he told his family and friends, overall I thought we were headed in the right direction. Anyway, about a month after his conversion, I noticed him distancing himself and he basically limited his contact with me to text messages. Finally, this past week, I simply went to his house and knocked on the door and we ended up having a 4 hr conversation, about how he didn't want this and he can't deal with us and he just wants to focus on the baby, I point blank asked him, so are you saying you don't want to be with me? And his response was that is not what I am saying, but I told you

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Lora757,
Ofcourse, I have considered what it will be like to be a single mother and while no this is not an ideal situation, neither was having an abortion and at this stage I am 22 weeks it is no longer an option. This child will be born and it will be loved, by both of us. My friends and some of his friends have already raised the issue of his getting married in an effort to get out of paying child support and obtain custody of the child. Those are things that are out of my control and while yes, I need to be prepared for such instances, they are not first and foremost in my mind simply because they are not in my control (meaning, I can't control if he marries someone else and seeks sole custody, do I believe he will get it no, so why worry). The one thing I do know is, I love my child's father, I would be happy if we were able to work things out but being that I am not being given the opportunity to try to work them out, when the other party does not want to engage you in conversation besides, you did this and this is your fault and constantly pointing fingers, instead of taking responsibility for the part he played in this mess. But to answer your primary question, yes I have thought about the ramifications of being a single mother and have I have lined up my resources in terms of child care and assistance for after the baby is born as well as my maternity leave plan (fortunately, I have a great relationship with my boss and have the ability to telecommute when needed). By no means, do I delude myself into thinking that this will be easy, heck with the rollercoaster I have been on since we found out, I know its not going to be easy. He alludes to my having all this control, and I respond with the only thing I control is my body and myself, if I had all the control trust me, we would be in a much happier place and I would not be posting to this forum and trying to come to terms with loosing the man I love because of I made a decision
I guess I should've given more background on this relationship. No we don't have kids and that is the funny thing, when we started seeing each other he talked constantly about having kids, and I actually suggested we wait for 6 months before we seriously considered that option, for us to see how we did with the rekindling of our romance. Also, a close friend of both of ours upon hearing from me the true drama going on behind the scenes, said to me not to let him make me feel bad about choosing to have this baby because he had been speaking for months about how he wanted a child, and the next thing he knew (the friend), he was asking about me and trying to get in contact with me. I guess this is where my confusion in all this lies but just talking it out with you all on this board it is becoming clear. I went back and reread all the text messages and emails we have exchanged since March when he initially contacted me and we started communicating and how he is behaving now and they just don't match. All I can chalk it up to is, he wanted this relationship to develop on his terms and according to his parameters and when that didn't happen and I didn't just say whatever he wanted, I and thus this situation became a problem. I also think in someways, he thought I was the same person he began dating when we were 21 and 24, but I am not that person and I too thought he had changed.
The fact remains, we moved too quick and made mistakes along the way and now for the sake of our son we have to find a way to get beyond the hurt on both sides to be the best parents we can. I know he is hurting and I want to be there to talk him through this to try and understand and its just not possible right now. I
Yes, he helped create your
This is indeed a very difficult and painful situation. Clearly, he feels that the choice to have the baby was not something he concurred in and he may feel pushed into a much closer relationship with you as well than he was ready for. You can't change him or his conflict. Right now you have to focus on taking good care of yourself. Get yourself a really good therapist to help you sort out your feelings during this sensitive and important time. If there is a way you can move back to be with your friends and with a good support system that would also be very important for you. You can't do this all alone. If he wants you and wants to be a father to the baby, (in some way), he'll have to come to terms with his own feelings and make the moves. You cannot plan your life now based upon him. If you do find a way to return to a place where you have a support system, let him know in advance. Also, I believe there are legal ramifications here for child support. I suggest you contact a good attorney and find out what steps are needed to insure
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Well hun,
I'm not sure what to tell you although i can you i'm kinda going through a similar situation my ex and I were together for 8 months then I happen to become pregnant. We have a cultural difference as I am a coccassion and he is east indian, his parents had no idea we were together let alone living together or me being pregnant he freak out and told me i must have an abortion so i did. He told me now was not the time..I wanted for us to be happy soo i did what he wanted..we stayed together for another 6 months then he moved back home with his family to save money for his condo and i moved out on my own as my family live in another city..
shortly after we broke up and that was 9 months ago. It has devastated me to the point i'm depressed because I wanted nothing more than to have our child and yet i believed him that it would happen again at more the righ time. Then 8 months after we broke up he went to India and had an arrange marriage..now i'm more devastated then ever he was the man of my dreams he was everything i was looking for and now i not only lost a piece of me being that child but i've also lost him completely. And I'm trying so hard to think possitve yet I'm depressed i feel like a piece of me is gone and i'll never get that back.
I just want you to know that you need to stay strong, your probably a beautiful women and have soo much to offer your child when he or she comes into the world. He will come around at some point so stay strong for the both of you and have faith that things will work out. Because right now that's what i am doing even tho he had this shot gun wedding sorta speak..I havent given up on him or us..as i think if you believe truly believe something will happen it will.. stay strong girl and enjoy the lil things in life. Smile as much as possible laugh as hard as you can things will fall into place sooner than later.
much love,
Hello I am also new to this board. I read a couple of the post and what I agree with is that this is soemthing that is
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