Should I stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2012
Should I stay?
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 11:52am



Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 7:51am

palecashmere wrote:
<p>And no, I don't act like I'm his mother and I don't need to know where he is all the time or need him to check in with me. With that being said, I know how drunk he gets when he goes out, and have received many phone calls at 2am with him being so beligerent I can't even understand him. Therefore, it is nice for my own peace of mind that he sends me a text saying he is home, so I know he hasn't put himself in a bad position, which he has many times..</p>

You have contradicted yourself in one paragraph. 

Yes, you are acting like his mother when you say "it is nice for my own peace of mind that he sends me a text saying he is home, so I know he hasn't put himself in a bad position"

he's not a child and you're not his mother and even if he did get himself into something, your're not in a position to jump to his side--and he probably not want you to do it, either. That's what his parents are for. You're not even his family, so there's nothing you could do anyway, legally, should he not be able to make decisions for himself. 

A grown man who doesn't want to be treated like a child isn't going to text his girlfriend who doesn't even live with him to let her know he's left the bar or that he's gotten home from the bar.

You have to get past the need to save him from the consequences of his decisions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 9:21am

When you two broke up for those 3 months, who initiated the break up and why?

When did his behavior towards you change?

From what it sounds like, he is no longer invested into the relationship like you are.  And there could be several reasons as to why, his behavior changed.

Is there a chance that he is harboring some resentment towards you?

Did something happen during the time you 2 were not together?

Who initiated the reconciliation?

If I were you, I would really take a long hard look at that period of the relationship for you 2.

Whatever the reason is, he is no longer going to be the guy you want him to be.  And it sounds like he is sending you some pretty clear messages that this relationship you are in with him is not going to be what it was before.

It honestly is very hard to go back into a relationship and have it return to what it was.  And I think that is what is happening with your relationship now.  I do have to agree with the others, and say it is time to end it and allow yourself to heal from the heartbreak.  Holding onto him, and continuing the toxicity is only going to escalate what is going on between you two already.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 11:09am

Good post.  I see it so often in young women who will jump through hoops & totally disregard their own needs in order to have any kind of relationship.  I think that now that I'm over 50 and went through a bad 2nd marriage (worse than the 1st one), that just maybe I would finally not do that and get out when the other person is disrespecting me.  And you just wonder how someone could be so in love with someone who treats her so badly?  

And Cashmere, yes I'd be worried too about a guy who had a propensity for going out & drinking a lot, but it's another sign that he's immature.  Someone like that isn't ready for an adult relationship.  the good response to that one is not "text me when you get home", it's "call me when you stop acting like a jerk and start being an adult because I don't want to be with someone who's so irresponsible in their behavior that I have to worry about him."

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 3:33pm

I've found one sure way to make a man (or woman) lose ALL respect for you is to "do soooo much" for them.

I was like you...I "did soooo much" for my ex.  He ended up dumping me for someone who does nothing for him.  She expects (no, DEMANDS) that he do things for her, and he does.  Not only does he, but he's completely devoted to her.

Not too long before he dumped me for her, he told me he didn't respect me because no matter what he did (cheated, lied, said mean things to me, hid things from me, made rude remarks to me in front of his friends), I stayed and put up with it.  He said no one with any self respect would put up with the things he did to me.

But I was so fearful he'd leave me I was willing to do anything, overlook anything, take all kinds of horrible treatment from him, just to keep him. 

Looking back, I can't even imagine why I acted like that.  I can't think of a single reason why this man was any good for me. 

And yes, in the beginning he too was loving, attentive, affectionate, considerate, complimentary, made me a priority...but once I started "doing soooo much" for him he lost respect for, and therefore interest in, me.  I've done that before in a relationship and it ended the exact same way (except that guy didn't dump me for someone else, he just plain dumped me because he too "lost interest and respect").

Take this as a learning experience..."doing sooo much" doesn't make sense, it doesn't make a man stay in love with you and it doesn't mean he "owes" you love, or attention, or time, or anything.

I think it's time to let this one go and chalk it up to a lesson learned.  Don't ever again "do soooo much" for a man in the hopes that will make him love you.  Because, as we both learned, it doesn't.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 9:19am

Consider that he may be one of these people who won't break up with you, even though they want to. They want you to break up with them. The overall picture to me conveys a guy who does not really seem to care if you are in his life or not. He certainly does not appear to make you any sort of priority in any area of his life. When there are so many other guys out there who would make you a priority in their lives, why do you settle for this?