Should I stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2012
Should I stay?
15
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 11:52am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 2:59pm

Sounds like you're doing all the giving and he's doing all the taking. I think you could find someone that would make a lot more effort to spend time with YOU rather than making time with his buddies his priority. Sorry but it sounds like he treats you like you really don't matter much in his life right now..Maybe things will change after he gets his law degree but for now it sounds like he's taking advantage of you.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 2:34pm

  Hi

    Im my opinion you are doing yourself a great disservice.  Your emotions read like a 15 year old.  In the real world the law firm is not going to care about your "love" life.  You may work 70 hrs and have to attend weekend social functions.  You need to get yourself centered.  This boy is right in doing as he sees fit.  You on the other hand are hurting yourself.

   You really are acting like a mother rather than an adult woman.  No adult likes checking in.  He is right you do not need to know where he is and what he is doing. 

   I suggest that you get a therapist and work this out.  Also understand that you will be a independent career woman.  "Love" as you are describing it sound a lot like infatuation.  Your emotional self needs your attention.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 1:21pm

I wasn't recommending that she try to save the relationship only that if she wanted to, how to go about it. The idea of raising the bar in small increments is to see where your partner will eventually max out, unless you max out first as there is only so much time and energy available to dedicate to a SO relationship before it becomes obsessive and unhealthy. Then, if ones partner stalls with a level of equitable giving that is still too low for you, move on.

However, if this woman jumps into her future relationships with this type of a running start, she will be hard pressed to find a guy to match her before she enlarges the gap too wide to recover from so even if she moves on, I think this principle is vital to understand for future success. Lasty, I would recommend seeing this as a cooperation with nature and the distinct ways that men and women see the world and not a male vs. female situation - both can win.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 1:01pm

I am the mother of a 23 yr old DD (and I'm a lawyer too).  My advice is the opp. of Glen's--I'd say break up with this guy now.  Why do you settle for such bad treatment from a man?  It's pretty obvious that he doesn't care about you--when you are in a long term relationship with someone, the norm is to spend at least part of the weekend together, not that people can never go out w/ friends--but your guy actually prefers not being with you on weekends--what do you think he's doing while he's out in bars w/ his friends?  Probably picking up other girls, I'd suspect.  Not to mention that he calls you names, won't help you when you're sick, has to be begged to go to your place.  what's that saying?  Don't make someone your priority when he makes you an option!

I think you should really spend some time examining why you would put up with this kind of bad treatment for so long.  do you feel that afraid that you would never find someone else?  I mean, you're young--it's not like there aren't plenty of available men in their 20's.  And as long as you stick with this guy, you won't find someone who will treat you the way you, and anyone in a relationship, deserves to be treated.

I do think there is some point to what Glen said about the guy being uncomfortable because you are doing too much.  Why are you cooking for him?  You aren't his mom--stop acting like it.  You shouldn't be writing his papers, also because he's supposed to be a grown up and he isn't actually learning if someone else is doing his work for him.  I can see proofreading or something like that, but you are just being an enabler.  And as far as him calling you to make sure he got home from a bar safely, again, you're not his mom.  I know this sounds a little sexist, but he's the man--he should be looking out for you.  does he ever ask you to call him to show that YOU got home safely from an event?  When I was dating my 2nd DH, I would sometimes be driving home late from his house since he had a DD at home to watch and he would always want me to call him to make sure I was home safe.  I would never think of asking him to do that because he was the man & I figured he could protect himself (maybe if it was a big snow storm or something it would be different).  It wasn't my job to protect him.  No wonder he wont' check in--it's embarrassing and emasculating--could you imagine how his friends would make fun of him?

I would really suggest going to your school's counseling center to get some help with this if you feel that you can't break up with him. As a female lawyer, you have to learn to stand up for yourself with the condesending men who are going to try to bully you just because you're a woman.  So start practicing now, and don't settle for someone who has no respect for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 12:31pm

Genuine love entails equitable giving. You have tossed that out the window by being the significantly higher giver. At this point, he knows that he can not rise to equal you because he lacks motivation due to the guilt, shame, and obligation factor of him not being 'enough' for you (since you have so enlarged the gap). Especially with a man... we like the pride involved with earning what we have. Also, at the current exchange rate he knows that you can do better than him so this is not a secure relationship for him. Hence, he can do better than you since security is one of the most vital aspects of a SO relationship.

If you want to save this relationship, drop your giving to match his then raise the bar one small step at a time so that he can remain motivated with a goal that is acheivable.

Best wishes.

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