Should I stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2012
Should I stay?
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Tue, 12-11-2012 - 11:52am

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Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 12-13-2012 - 9:19am

Consider that he may be one of these people who won't break up with you, even though they want to. They want you to break up with them. The overall picture to me conveys a guy who does not really seem to care if you are in his life or not. He certainly does not appear to make you any sort of priority in any area of his life. When there are so many other guys out there who would make you a priority in their lives, why do you settle for this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 3:33pm

I've found one sure way to make a man (or woman) lose ALL respect for you is to "do soooo much" for them.

I was like you...I "did soooo much" for my ex.  He ended up dumping me for someone who does nothing for him.  She expects (no, DEMANDS) that he do things for her, and he does.  Not only does he, but he's completely devoted to her.

Not too long before he dumped me for her, he told me he didn't respect me because no matter what he did (cheated, lied, said mean things to me, hid things from me, made rude remarks to me in front of his friends), I stayed and put up with it.  He said no one with any self respect would put up with the things he did to me.

But I was so fearful he'd leave me I was willing to do anything, overlook anything, take all kinds of horrible treatment from him, just to keep him. 

Looking back, I can't even imagine why I acted like that.  I can't think of a single reason why this man was any good for me. 

And yes, in the beginning he too was loving, attentive, affectionate, considerate, complimentary, made me a priority...but once I started "doing soooo much" for him he lost respect for, and therefore interest in, me.  I've done that before in a relationship and it ended the exact same way (except that guy didn't dump me for someone else, he just plain dumped me because he too "lost interest and respect").

Take this as a learning experience..."doing sooo much" doesn't make sense, it doesn't make a man stay in love with you and it doesn't mean he "owes" you love, or attention, or time, or anything.

I think it's time to let this one go and chalk it up to a lesson learned.  Don't ever again "do soooo much" for a man in the hopes that will make him love you.  Because, as we both learned, it doesn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 11:09am

Good post.  I see it so often in young women who will jump through hoops & totally disregard their own needs in order to have any kind of relationship.  I think that now that I'm over 50 and went through a bad 2nd marriage (worse than the 1st one), that just maybe I would finally not do that and get out when the other person is disrespecting me.  And you just wonder how someone could be so in love with someone who treats her so badly?  

And Cashmere, yes I'd be worried too about a guy who had a propensity for going out & drinking a lot, but it's another sign that he's immature.  Someone like that isn't ready for an adult relationship.  the good response to that one is not "text me when you get home", it's "call me when you stop acting like a jerk and start being an adult because I don't want to be with someone who's so irresponsible in their behavior that I have to worry about him."

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 9:21am

When you two broke up for those 3 months, who initiated the break up and why?

When did his behavior towards you change?

From what it sounds like, he is no longer invested into the relationship like you are.  And there could be several reasons as to why, his behavior changed.

Is there a chance that he is harboring some resentment towards you?

Did something happen during the time you 2 were not together?

Who initiated the reconciliation?

If I were you, I would really take a long hard look at that period of the relationship for you 2.

Whatever the reason is, he is no longer going to be the guy you want him to be.  And it sounds like he is sending you some pretty clear messages that this relationship you are in with him is not going to be what it was before.

It honestly is very hard to go back into a relationship and have it return to what it was.  And I think that is what is happening with your relationship now.  I do have to agree with the others, and say it is time to end it and allow yourself to heal from the heartbreak.  Holding onto him, and continuing the toxicity is only going to escalate what is going on between you two already.

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 7:51am

palecashmere wrote:
<p>And no, I don't act like I'm his mother and I don't need to know where he is all the time or need him to check in with me. With that being said, I know how drunk he gets when he goes out, and have received many phone calls at 2am with him being so beligerent I can't even understand him. Therefore, it is nice for my own peace of mind that he sends me a text saying he is home, so I know he hasn't put himself in a bad position, which he has many times..</p>

You have contradicted yourself in one paragraph. 

Yes, you are acting like his mother when you say "it is nice for my own peace of mind that he sends me a text saying he is home, so I know he hasn't put himself in a bad position"

he's not a child and you're not his mother and even if he did get himself into something, your're not in a position to jump to his side--and he probably not want you to do it, either. That's what his parents are for. You're not even his family, so there's nothing you could do anyway, legally, should he not be able to make decisions for himself. 

A grown man who doesn't want to be treated like a child isn't going to text his girlfriend who doesn't even live with him to let her know he's left the bar or that he's gotten home from the bar.

You have to get past the need to save him from the consequences of his decisions.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 7:44am

palecashmere wrote:
<p>I have been dating my boyfriend for about two years, although we did break up for three months back in February. I am currently in my first year of law school while he is finishing his senior year of undergrad. We currently live about 30 minutes apart.</p><p>I am really starting to feel like I am not in a healthy relationship. I see my boyfriend 1-2 times a week due to our hectic schedules. However, I pretty much have to beg my boyfriend to see me, and when we do hang out 90 percent of the time, I am driving to him. He almost always refuses to come to my apartment. If I ask him to see me more than twice a week he tells me I am being needy and that I refuse to share him with his friends. This is very offensive to me considering a) we used to live together and see each other every day, b) I never complain about the amount of alone time we spend together or the amount of time he spends with his friends (which is at least 5 nights a week), and c) when he is with his friends, I never contact him so he can enjoy his time with them. The only thing I ask out of him is that he text me before he leaves for the bar and to text me when he gets home for the night, so I know he is safe. This never happens though, and when I tell him it upsets me that he can't text me, he tells me that I need to stop forcing him to be clingy. </p><p>I am so in love with him, and I do everything in the world for him. I help him write his papers, even though I do at least 8 hours a day of my own studying, I make him meals for the week when I do see him, I drive to see him no questions asked whenever he needs me, etc. And I never put it in his face that I do all of these things for him, I just do it because I love him. But if I have a bad day and ask him to call me, he usually tells me no that he is with his friends. If I ask him to come to my apartment because I am sick, he usually says no. If I ever try and communicate with him about how his behavior makes me upset, he is so quick to turn himself into the victim and has no problem belitting me. If I get upset that he randomly stops answering his phone for an entire day he has no problem telling me I am nuts, a psycho, "bat-sh*t crazy", needy, clingy, etc. If I ever call him crying he tells me he can't deal with me and I'm "too much" and will just hang up the phone. </p><p>I spend most of my weekend nights alone, because he would rather get drunk with his friends at the bar than see me. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with feeling like I'm worthless to my own boyfriend. It has pretty much gotten to the point that I can't expect anything at all out of him, or I just end up disappointed or sad. I just can't let go of him though. The three months we were broken up were the most miserable three months. I am absolutely 100 percent in love with him and could never imagine feeling this way about anyone else. What should I do?</p>

I"m sorry, but I fail to see any good reason to keep dealing with him.  He's basically telling you to go kick rocks.

YOu say you are 100 % in lov e with him, etc., but my question to you is: how much do you love yourself?  How much do you love the person you have to become in order to have this guy in your life?  Do you like being discarded when you're sick?  Do you like being belittled?  Do you like feeling as if you are inconvenient and in the way?  Because that's not what love is about at. all.

He's checked out of your relationship and you're so far adrift from yourself that you cannot see the shore.  You need to spend your time retrieving your self from the open sea into which his disregard has launched you.  All that energy you spend on him needs to be spent on you--you need to be way more selfish and not so selfless.  All that has gotten and will continue to get you is getting kicked. 

Whatever you thought your future with him was going to be has drastically changed since you moved and went to law school.  He is a free man in all senses and purposes as far as he's concerned. He's not going to give that up anytime soon for you--and it doesn't matter what you two had in the past.  For him, his friends are now more important than a relationship with you.  You need to take that cue and get on with your own life.  You've got a lot of work to do and money riding on this investment in your education you've made to let it sink over cad who will turn his back on you when you're sick.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 4:45am
You know him in/out --- quite a bit but what are not being able to see is that he probably doesnt want to continue the relationship with you.You could still be very much in love with him but it seems that he isnt now. I wouldnt want to stay with a person who didnt love me and took me for granted. There are people who take marriage partners also for granted and the marriage then fails . It will help you to look from a pov where how he behaved early on and how he is now. How he is now, is the real him -- take him if you like it, leave if you dont.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 3:33am

Should you stay? No. What should you do? Break it off with him and move forward with your life. "I just don't know how much longer I can deal with feeling like I'm worthless to my own boyfriend." Don't deal with it for any longer, kick him to the curb.

You already recognize that the relationship is unhealthy. You make all of the effort and give all of the love. In return he calls you names and disregards your requests. To an impartial third party, it sounds like this guy is using you. He lets you help write his papers, cook for him, and presumably provide sex. And probably makes it seem like he's doing you a favor. When its time to reciprocate he refuses and tries to make you feel bad for asking.

What about him do you love? What are his good traits? I wonder if you love who he "used to be" or the relationship that you used to have? Right now he sounds selfish and immature, and not like someone who wants to be in a committed relationship. He's choosing to drink with the guys over being with his gf, on a regular basis. His priorities seem pretty clear. My guess is that he doesn't want to be the cad who breaks up with you so he's treating you like dirt so you will be the one to end the relationship.

"I just can't let go of him though." Like someone else suggested, get counseling to help get through this, and to learn why you would let him treat you like this for so many months already.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 5:38pm

Personally, I would not want to be with someone who calls me all drunk and beligerent at 2am. and gets himself in situations I would have to worry about and always feel the need to check if he's okay. And who knows what he's doing and with who when he's drunk and out with the guys. Maybe you've outgrown this relationship and should find someone more responsible. I think as you said he's taking it for granted that he can do whatever he wants and you will always be there for him. I think you're settling for much less than you should and should find someone who at least acts like he cares.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2012
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 3:24pm

I certainly understand where everyone is coming from. This relationship used to be two-sided and that's why I'm struggling so much with it now. I used to be a priority in his life, but his new mindset seems to be that is in indifferent towards remaining in a relationship with me. What's worse is he has this general arrogance that I will always be there.

And no, I don't act like I'm his mother and I don't need to know where he is all the time or need him to check in with me. With that being said, I know how drunk he gets when he goes out, and have received many phone calls at 2am with him being so beligerent I can't even understand him. Therefore, it is nice for my own peace of mind that he sends me a text saying he is home, so I know he hasn't put himself in a bad position, which he has many times. Also, I don't even understand why my future career is being discussed. I'm a perfectly strong-minded and indepedent individual and I have been living on my own and working in the legal field since I was 17. Just because I act one way in a romantic relationship does not, in any way, mean I cannot hold my own in my professional life.

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