Should I stay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Should I stay?
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 8:45pm

I recently got out of a 5 year relationship and started dating a guy at work.  It has been a really nice month and I really liked him and we have been having these really long phone calls since ive been out of town (an hour or 2 every night) but last night on the phone he opened up to me saying that he didn't think I would like him once I got to know him.  I told him that I really liked him and asked why and he went on to tell me how he goes out to bars with the intention of getting drunk every weekend,  never been in a relationship longer than a few months, the last woman he was with was a single mother who he only used for sex, he hates cats (I have 2), he has no hobbies other than work and drinking and is boring and he thinks I will just end it anyways soon when I find out how boring he is.  Plus he said the last girl he was with he would never marry because she was too old, and she was 34, and him and I are both 30! So what does that mean he thinks of me?

I said good night, and the next morning he texted me something sweet, but now all day I've been thinking about it and I'm not sure if I ever want to even speak to him again, much less have a relationship. I am out of town right now so I won't have to see him for a few days but it just makes me wonder, did he tell me this to scare me off? Or did he think that telling me all this would make us closer? Maybe he was drunk? Why would he say these things? I just feel like my entire opinion of him has changed and I will not be able to continue with him.  So then I guess I should just break if off right? Is there any reason should try?  Before the call I was really into him but now it's just like someone turned the switch off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2013
Fri, 08-16-2013 - 7:23pm

My immediate reaction was that he was trying to scare you off!  It makes no sense that he would bring this stuff up otherwise... especially the cat thing when he KNOWS you have cats.  Any rationale person that wants to make it work would steer clear of statements that would upset you like that.

If you don't want to see him anymore, I'd follow your gut!  There is no reason to force yourself to play his games.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2013
Sat, 08-10-2013 - 6:17pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 08-09-2013 - 2:07pm

He went to great lengths to tell you all the negative crap about him and that you'd realize you're better off without him.  I'd believe him. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 08-09-2013 - 9:55am

Basically he's telling you that he knows women who want a long term relationship aren't happy with his lifestyle, and that so far, including you, he's not willing to change for anybody. When guys warn you about themselves, listen. I would tell him, "Thanks for being honest. I enjoyed our time together but we're not compatible so it's best we stop dating. See you around at work." If he tries to call you to chat after that, tell him you think it's best that he not call so you can have closure. Start thinking of him as any other co-worker when you see him at work. You took a risk and it didn't pan out. Best that you found out so soon. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 08-07-2013 - 4:29am

One month is hardly a "relationship" and you really didn't know him yet.  Whether or not the things he told you were true (probably were) what he's doing is telling you that he's not looking for a relationship, and he's worried that's what you want.  I don't see why you would never talk to him again, especially since you work together, and that's exactly why it's not good to date or get in a relationship with a co-worker.  It becomes very awkward when it ends.You had a few dates, it's over and nothing was lost.  You don't have to be "friends" but you certainly don't have to totally ignore him either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 08-06-2013 - 10:11pm

I think when someone tells you negative things about themsel, it's very odd and not a positive thing.  It would be one thing to say "I've never been in a long term relationship but I hope to change that" or "I haven't met the right person."  Would you really want to be with someone whose idea of a really fun time is going out to bars to get drunk ALL THE TIME?  To me, that sounds like he's an alcoholic--I mean, he is 30 and he's still acting like a college frat boy--no wonder he doesn't have relationships.  I'd have the attitude "thanks for telling me that you're a loser so I won't waste my time."