should I stay or go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2007
should I stay or go?
3
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 5:21pm

I’ve been married for 14 years. Even when we got married I knew there were no sparks, but he was a good man, stable and dependable. I knew he would always love me and take care of me, and I’d heard that ‘being in love��� was so overrated.

During those 14 years I learned he didn’t like intimacy, was unable to ejaculate during sex, was borderline obsessive/compulsive, had a penchant for online pornography (I busted him twice over the 14 years, the second time after he tried to hide $1200 in online charges from me), had a temper that scared me at times, and was very controlling.

We also had two wonderful children (through means other than the old fashioned way).

Over the years I asked several times if he would participate in counseling with me. He refused. He did, though, finally go on anti-anxiety meds that made him get less angry less often.

Last year I became sexually and very, very emotionally involved with another man – a good friend of our family. After five wonderful, passionate, intellectually and artistically stimulating months, he eventually pulled away because his love of the Lord made him see it was very wrong. I, on the other hand, have never regretted a moment of it.

I became somewhat obsessed with the relationship, even after the ‘other man’ very bluntly told me it was over, that he was trying to get out of the way so I could work on my relationship.

Now my husband knows everything and is desperate to save the marriage. He has agreed to (and we have participated in) couples’ counseling. We took a 7-week long sexual dysfunction class. He has added anti-depressants to his meds routine. He has become very loving and passionate and understanding. He tells me how much he wants/needs/loves me and doesn’t want me to go, even though I have been asking for a separation for nearly a year now, and even when the whole story became public and I offered to go.

I see how hard he’s trying and, for his sake and that of our children, I know I should make this work. I pray daily. Ultimately, he’s a good guy. There’s no one waiting for me on the other side. But is it worth taking the chance? I feel like it’s too late. There was so little flame to begin with that I’m afraid it’s going to be impossible to re-ignite.

I’ve started having panic attacks on weekends when the whole family is together. If, for some reason, we are apart, I’m fine. And during the week when we’re both at work, I’m fine.

How long do I have to try? At what point do I give up with a clear conscience? I want my children to have a real family. I hate to hurt this man who loves me so much and who I do love in many ways – but are they ways that are simply the comfort of the familiar? At the same time, I’m not getting any younger and, let’s be honest, I totally missed out on the passion of new love the first time around.

What’s your opinion? Should I stay or should I go? I just don’t know what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 6:23pm

Welcome to the board extinguished,


You are in a difficult situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sun, 09-30-2007 - 6:25pm

No one can tell you whether to stay or go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 10-01-2007 - 12:21pm
I agree with the previous posters about you going to individual counseling. We can't tell you