should I stay or go
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should I stay or go
| Thu, 03-18-2004 - 12:49pm |
I have been married for 20years and have two wonderful children. I love my children and my husband very much, but lately my husband has not been happy and been putting all his extra time into my son's baseball team. My whole life has been around my family for the past 14 years and I have lost all my interest and hobbies. My family relies on me for everything and I do mean everything. My husband and I have talk about separating, the question is does he leave and continue without any reposiblity or should I leave and let my family figure things out for themselves for awhile, while I take back control of my life. My children are old engough to take care of themselves. I feel this might wake them all up to the realality of family life together. I have been in couseling for depresion for a year now and the most important thing that has come out of it is that I need to work on my self-esteam. So should I move out?

I can see why you want to move out. It might give your family a new perseptive on how valuable you are, now much they need you, etc. However, before you move out, talk to your counselor about boundary setting. You need to learn to say: nope, that doesn't work for me, I'm sure you will figure out a way to get what you need done (be it ironing, washing clothes, fixing a meal, getting a ride, etc). You want your kids to learn to be self-sufficient, that means teaching them the skills to be able to be independent when the time comes, without practice it's not going to happen. So sometimes, you will have to say NO. And it's not a bad thing. OR 'I'm busy the rest of the day (you don't have to explain doing what) so I will be unavailable, if you need anything please call my cell and I will talk you through how to do it. Practice, practice, practice.
Because if you don't learn to set the boundaries and value yourself, your time, your mental health, guess what, neither will they - Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.
Reading material:
How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, More Joy, and What Matters Most to You by Patti Breitman
Parents Teens and Boundaries: How to Draw the Line, Jane Bluestein PhD
One Minute for Myself, Spencer Johnson
For your self-esteem:
Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon
The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz
How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer (Christian Based)
Discuss boundaries with your counselor as well as co-dependent behavior because say you move out, that settles the immediate problem of them fending for themselves, but say you want to go back, if you haven't learned to set boundaries, say no, take time for you (all of which will make you feel better about how you treat yourself) you will fall back into the same patterns that existed before you left.
My best to you.
Carrie