Should I stay or should I go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
Should I stay or should I go?
3
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 12:22am
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly seven years now. I was nineteen when we started dating (he was 23) and we moved in together two years later and have been living together since then. While we are great friends and get along wonderfully, the sex hasn't ever really been spectacular. In other words, it doesn't last for very long and my boyfriend has never really seemed very concerned with pleasing me in bed.

Initially I thought that this was due to his inexperience (even though he's had 10 previous lovers - all short-term though) and that he really did want to please me sexually, so I made GENTLE suggestions and tried to communicate what I enjoyed, IN A NON-THREATENING MANNER. I even went out and bought several books on the subject. Reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus... and How to Light His Fire, etc. Hoping that he might do the same... but he didn't. We started fighting more often, (sex was nearly non-existent) as he was always 'tired'. I contemplated ending the relationship several years ago, but he asked what he could do to work on the relationship (promising that he would try, because he loved me and didn't want to break up). So, I suggested he read Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus.

Well, to make a long story short -- He never read the book. He started to several times, but used every excuse as to why he hadn't (i.e. I have ADD, I don't have good reading comprehension, etc. etc.) I ended up purchasing a sex education video (What Men Want) thinking that maybe the problem was me, and that I just hadn't been doing it for him and that's why he didn't want to try to please me in bed. Turns out he was using it for a porn video to masturbate to while I was not home! I suggested that he purchase the one on WHAT WOMEN WANT... and three years later he hasn't. (he's done nothing!)

I know that he has enough of a sex drive to masturbate frequently but he always claimed to be tired when I wanted sex. I've grown frustrated and over time have become more verbal in my displeasure. And now he says that he doesn't know how to appraoch me for sex. And I can understand that, because I have sort of shut myself off towards him sexually for a couple of years now... but it's because I no longer feel sexy with him. I feel rejected and unimportant. And when I WAS interested... he wasn't.

He says that I'm impossible to please. But I have had two previous relationships and had orgasms all the time. I've tried to express to him that a woman takes longer to warm up than a man... but he just has never seemed that interested in putting forth any effort. He didn't even know where my clitoris was to begin with. I had to show him! After he's had 10 lovers! And then he still totally negelcts it. (not to get too graphic, sorry.)

WHAT SHOULD I DO? We've been together for so long and I care about him. And I don't want to break up just because the sex isn't the best... but the thing is... we don't even have sex anymore. We go for 6 months without sometimes!! And I'm so frustrated. Now, his excuse is that he doesn't know how to approach me. Maybe I've become so fed up that it's harder to work on now. But he couldn't read a book for me (in 5 years!) and I feel undesirable now. He sort of feels like my brother now!!! How do you get that desire back after you've been rejected so many times?

Would you just end the relationship? I'm 25 and am thinking that maybe I should just cut my losses and leave. But I wish that there was something that I could do.

Please adivse. I understand that the passion decreases over time in a relationship... and I don't think I'm unrealistic in my expectations... I just want to have a satisfying sex life again. I don't want to be the bad guy, but what should I do? I wonder sometimes if the passion is too far gone. I think I'm turning bitter! :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 10:23am
aprilb60....

You've got a choice to make.....staying with a man whose interests in SEX is limited....or finding a new partner who will satisfy you in that department, but MAY let you down somewhere else? .

Seriously...it sounds like you've been a very patient lady, but you aren't experiencing the drive and desire that you need. I doubt a sex therapist would help your b/f, but I guess this is an option?

What would happen if you took some time off? Take a 30-day vacation from each other perhaps? Maybe this alternative would be more successful---in helping you decide whether to leave permanently and helping him decide if he wants to make "the effort" to keep you?

One thing for sure...you have "the 7-year itch!" And isn't it true that most itches usually need to be...err...scratched?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 10:57am
For what it is worth...at 25 years old you deserve a rich and exciting sex life! I am 49 and in the midst of my menopause. I always had a great sex life and suddenly due to my hormonal changes my libido has diminished somewhat. At 25 it was strong at 35 it was stronger and at 40 I was unstoppable! If you think you are frustrated now, you are in for major pain as you get a little older. If you wanna wait until your menopausal and not so interested then fine but your gona miss out on a lot of magic!

Not only that but when sex is not good it begins to spill over into a lot of other areas in your relationship. If you plan to have children eventually you are more than likely going to have your share of real marital problems because as everyone knows children will compound any problems you are already experiencing. I personally do not think that a marriage can survive when partners are sexually incompatible. The unsatified may eventually try to find satisfaction elsewhere. Then guilt and integrity and trust ...the big issues in a relationship start to come into play and it can get very, very messy! You will eventually beat yourself up because you will think it is all your fault and guess what ...it is not! But you are setting yourself up for a low self esteem situation and it is potentially lethal! You need someone at this point who makes you feel like the sexiest person on earth and you need to feel like he is the one who hung the moon and graciously arranged all of the stars in the night sky simply for your enjoyment! Yes romance does settle down but good sex and passion should remain constant.

It seems when sex is good no one really notices but when it is bad it affects everything. You are young and as you get older you get to know what you like and are less willing to compromise. If he was more willing to make you happy it might be worth trying but you will become more and more resentful and if I were you I would move on...take the short term medicine. It tastes horrible but it will eventually lead to long term healing! There are alot of guys out there who are really into pleasing their woman...go find him...and good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 11:08am
If you both want the relationship to work then I suggest couples counseling to help you both communicate about sex and everything else. This is about more than your sex life but about his desire to please you. IF he doesn't want to do that in bed, does that represent other areas in your life?