Should I stay or should I go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Should I stay or should I go?
2
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 1:26pm
I have been dating the same man for 5 years. We have been living together for the past 1 1/2 years and engaged for the past year. I have to travel for my job and I am typically gone for a month at a time, come home for a week, and then leave again. Since my boyfriend had the same job when we met he understands how it is and neither of us has had a problem with the long distance relationship. But, for whatever reason I always felt the need to search through his things when I got home looking for proof that he cheated. I don't know why I did this because he had never given me any reason to believe that he wouldn't be faithful. But, I finally found something. He had pictures of 2 naked girls posing for his digital camera. After having a very in depth conversation he told me what happened - his buddies had these girls willing to get naked and take pictures but no camera. They called my boyfriend and he came over with OUR camera. He told me (and I do believe him) that he did not touch the girls and was not touched by them. So, he did not have sex, but he agrees with me and admits it was cheating because he said if it had been me doing the same thing he would have left me. I told him how upset I was and he is too because he realizes that he ruined our life together and broke my heart. However, we have so much history and our futues were planned together, I can't see myself leaving him. We want to make this work but he has to regain my trust and we don't know how to do this. I can't trust him, and he is worried that I will go out and retaliate by cheating on him. How do we get past this and should I even be giving him the option?

A few things I should note. I am extremely angry because he didn't feel guilty when this happened, only after he got caught and saw how upset I was and realized that he may lose me. AND I found out last night that this actually occurred on two different occasions!! So, he didn't just do it once, he went back a second time. After that (according to him) for whatever reason he thought he needed to stop and said 'no' from then on. The 'friend' now has his own camera. Lastly, if I forgive him for this how am I supposed to know that now he won't think he can get away with more if there is a next time?

I am extremely confused and would appreciate any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 3:35pm
I think it is time for couples counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 5:47pm
I agree. I think advice from a professional counsellor is what you both need. Trust is very hard to rebuild after it is broken. Depending on the circumstances and the people involved, many times it's impossible. Only you know if this is a dealbreaker for you, or if you can get past this. You can never truly know in life what another person is doing, thinking, feeling or how they will behave in any given circumstance. You can only trust them and base your faith in them on their behavior as time goes on. When that trust is broken, you have to start all over again from the beginning (and since the slate is not clean, it's harder). If you can truly forgive him and let go of this (not harbor resentment, anger or distrust) and he can be trustworthy and faithful from here on, then you have a chance. But there are no guarantees about what he will or won't or might do in the future, unfortunately. That is up to him, and so far he hasn't proved to be very wise or dependable in the choices he makes. Sorry this happened to you. Good luck.