Should I Stay or Should I Go?
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| Mon, 06-14-2004 - 1:17pm |
First off - I'm a guy looking for some help with my relationship.
My girlfriend and I have been together for a little more than eight months. When we met (where I used to work), she was married. We worked in different departments but would see each other from time to time and struck up a casual office friendship. Not long after she separated from her husband, we started going out mainly as companions - mountain bike riding, hiking, etc. Before long, it seemed that we had moved on to a serious relationship.
When our relationship "officially" started, she had yet to divorce her ex. That came about two months afterwards. They were together for about four years and, while they had a lot in common, he was very abusive towards her. Mainly mental abuse, but it did involve some physical abuse as well.
I understand that you just can't stop loving or caring about someone overnight. She and her ex were together for quite a while and, while they had enough bad times to end it, I'm sure they had a few good times as well. About two weeks ago, my girlfriend told me that she had met her ex for lunch while I was out of town because she had been thinking about him. I told her that, while I really didn't appreciate what she had done, I understood why she did it and was glad that she was honest with me. I reminded her of what she had been through with him and how well she had done since the divorce. She has since told me that, while she still thinks of him and cares about him, she has no plans to go back to him.
She and he had a LOT in common - far more in common than we do. I think in many ways, he was the ideal man for her. I think she misses that. The downside to their relationship was that he ended up being a real jack@ss. Given the fact that she was abandoned at an early age and adopted, the abuse and lack of trust he created (he even went so far as to record her phone conversations) was too much for her. I guess now that some time has passed, she's starting to forget the bad things and focus on what she misses in him? She and I aren't carbon copies, but we do have things in common and generally have a great time together - or so I've always thought. During our conversations, she's never led me to think otherwise.
I'm really confused as to what to do here! Ever since her revelation, I feel as if I'm in some way competing with this guy. She and I had even started discussing marriage, but now she says that she doesn't think she's ready for it. If so, fine. My problem is that I REALLY care about this woman. I feel like I have bent over backward to support her during our time together and have invested a lot of emotional capital. I don't want to throw that away, but I don't know how to balance that with they way I'm feeling about what she did - and I guess how she still feels about this guy. While I want a future with this person, the thought of me investing any more time in a relationship only to have her change her mind about her ex six months from now is something I really can't handle. She has asked me to give her time to heal, which I am fine doing. It's the unknown element that scares me. I can't force her to love and trust me - and I can't force her not to care about her ex. I hope in time those feelings will pass, but I have no guarantees.
As I said, on one hand I understand you can't stop loving someone. I mean, I can't just stop loving her because of what she did. On the other hand, I'm afraid that this relationship may be going nowhere fast now.
My question is, should I get out or stick with it?
Thank you.

I think that you should just back off for a while just be a friend and possibly lovers. She needs time to heal from her marriage, if you keep giving more of yourself and it doesn't work out your gonna be the one hurting. Just chill out for a while remain close just try not to put any pressure on her she has to recover and heal before she can commit herself to you. I hope this helps. Good luck keep me posted. Jessica
Although she may care for you a lot, she is not emotionally ready to be with you yet. Even the talk about marriage was really premature. She probably was just enjoying the idea of someone showing her so much love adn attention, but now she's confused because she might be realizing that she doesn't want the COMPLETE opposite of her ex...just someone to treat her a little better. Sorry I couldn't be more positive but you seem like a nice guy and I would hate to hear you invested further time into something that doesn't have much promise. Who knows? Maybe if you guys take some time off, you'll be able to reconnect later on down the road when the divorce isn't so new to her and she's ready to move on.
Good luck. :o)