should I stay or should I go???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
should I stay or should I go???
3
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 8:47pm
my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, we have been living together for almost 2. when we got our computer I had noticed him looking at porn a lot. It became an issue when he was on the internet from day to night. When I brought it to his attention he said that he doesn't even care about things like that he was just curious,and he'll stop. Then again in Feb. he was doing it again... a lot. He said that he was doing him business homework (we are both college students). I noticed something was wrong when I popped in the room to say Hi. He quickly stumbled to click off. I seen things anyway but I didn't say until I knew for sure. The next day I noticed a shared document was unaccessable to me so I downloaded what I needed and since we share the same computer, I had all of his files and there was like 300 porn pictures and 60 videos. I was so sad because I am a little over weight and very self concious. Just knowing that he would rather look at these things behind my back, hurt really bad. I told him about it and he denied it at first then he fessed up by saying he and his friends were curious about famous people???? that was a lame excuse. I told him if he was cruriouis don't sneak behind my back to look at things. I understand males are just like that. The past month I found stuff again.... The 26th of may was our 3 year anniversary and we were making CD's for eachother, he asked me to not look at that "shared program" because then I would know what he was doing. Well, I forgot and logged on like usual and found all this stuff. I deleted the porn and he knew I was on... I denied logging on and decided on wait for my cd then bring it up... he says that he had been working on it all saturday night and a little today... but still not finished.... so i logged on to see what is taking so long... well he has all the songs on pause and he is downloading porn stuff again. I was wondering why he was taking so long when he claimed all he had to do was burn it... that takes 3 mins, and then he claimed he had 6 more songs to listen too. I just dont know what to do. I looked and I shouldn't have but should he be doing this unstead our making my anniversary present? Should I stay or should I go???????????
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 9:07pm
You should GO like a bat out of hell from this one.

I think he is addicted to porn and this is a serious impediment to a real relationship. I would never put up with that. You are not going to change him. And it is not about you and your weight - it is just about him.

After this dodo: Take good care of yourself - work on your self esteem and appearance - chances are this will be easier when you don't have the antics of this clown.

It is my opinion that I would not live with a man unless I had a ring on my finger. I don't want to pass judgement but just show concern for you.

Good luck - you deserve so much more than this!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 10:41pm

In my opinion this isn't reason enough for you to leave him. You've been together for three years, and he looks at porn. If you love him, is this reason enough for you to leave him? I think it basically comes down to if you can handle it or not. Is it simply that it hurts your feelings? Or do you feel like he is cheating on you?


A majority of men, and many women look at porn. It is normal. I think the biggest issue is that he hides it from you. Have you tried participating and watching with him?


Just step back from it, and truly look to see if this is a reason to break a three year relationship up. If it is simply a matter of him doing it behind your back, as you've asked him not to, then it is a respect issue. Just talk to him, and tell him that it bothers you, but also try to understand where he is coming from. He probably thinks what he is doing is completely normal. You two disagree on this situation, so see both sides of it. Maybe participate with him?


 

-amy-    "CL-fiesty"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 11:51am
Leave him. Why women think that they have to lower their standards and put up with this bilge is a mystery to me. As to porn viewing being "normal," a lot of deviant, disgusting behavior has become normalized in our society over the last few years. Doesn't make it right, healthy, or acceptable. Listen to your gut.