Should I stay or should I go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2014
Should I stay or should I go?
7
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 8:56am

I started seeing my SO (or exSO) back in Oct. 2012.  Things were going well, etc. then in July we had a argument which lead to me needing space.  He complied and reached out to me again in October 2013.  Missing him like crazy, I took him up on the offer after he asked me if I will give it another "go".  We started out basically where we left off with regards to seeing each other, calling, texting, etc.  Now I think he regrets that decision. 

He's been kind of distant lately so I called him out on it.  I asked him what is wrong as he's been kind of "blah" lately.  He responded back that "you're fine, right now he needs me to be his friend more than anything, he's doing this by his own design, everything will fall back into place, and "what will be will be"".   I told him, "that is fine if he needs to take a step back, which said it is what he needs for now.  I have always been your friend and friends talk, not go silent."  From there, I told him "everything is okay in the end; if it isn't okay, then its not the end."  He replied back "it's not the end" and I told him, "I hope not."  I let him know that if he ever needs to talk, I'm all ears, which he responded "I know that."

Little background: he's a few years older than me with young kids and I do not have kids.  I know he's been taking on a boatload of new stuff at work, opening a new development site, etc.  I wouldn't consider myself "that girl" that constantly bugs him, etc.  For ex., I won't hear from him all day so I'll shoot him a text saying "hi" and hoping everything is good.  He told me his kids are with him, so I told him just to get back with me after he gets them settled down in bed, etc.  That's fine.  I don't want to take him away from that.

I just don't know what is going on as he won't tell me.  He mentioned he's been having problems at work and I asked him if he wanted to talk.  He kindly told me he can't discuss it right now, but he eventually will.  I left it at that.  I don't want to push him to discuss things he isn't or can't discuss.

My question is: should I wait, or say see ya buddy if he ever contacts me again.  I haven't heard from him in a few days, and I'll be darned if I contact him first. I'm trying not to be hypocritical as he gave me my space when I asked for it, but on the otherhand, I at least gave him the reasons for why I needed my space.  When we rekindled, we never talked about the prior fight.  Maybe that is part of the problem?  Not only that, I don't know how to be his friend (if that makes sense). 

Any insight?

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 3:02pm

  Men are not like women.  They do not emote.  When they need to think over problems being alone is what is needed.  Having to explain why is to males annoying and or humiliating.  Yes,give him space.   You can be a friend by being there if he wishes to talk.

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 10:32pm

Are you in love with this guy?  If not, then I would not be sitting around patiently waiting for the phone to ring.  I'd say just let things be BUT get out there and have fun with other people, guys included.  You don't know what's going on and he won't talk about it, he seems to come around when he feels like it but then backs off.  He's said he needs you more as his friend than anything, so just let him contact you if he wants but I wouldn't COUNT on anything at all right now.  Go have fun elsewhere. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 11:09pm

When a man says he needs you to be his "friend"......and nothing more.....then it's time to move on.  Stay or go?  I think he's gone, and you need to forget about him.  If and when he contacts you, don't waste your time with him.  It sounds like you two never settled what the problem was the first time around......you just went back to whatever it was that time.    Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 01-18-2014 - 8:53pm

Whenever a couple can let each other go, even just once, to me, they're just not that into each other. People who really love each other stay together and work on their problems. I don't know how being apart can be a solution to resolving communication issues or problems. Will something magical in the air make everything okay again. Relationships take work and effort. The person who breaks up risks that the breakup will be final, and there will be no guarantees that the other will come running back. Would a person who really loves another take this risk (assuming the problems aren't dealbreakers like abuse)? Now he wants space. This is a clear pattern for both of you, showing that you're just not right for each other. Move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2014
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 9:15am

Thank you for the responses!

Am I in love with him? Very much so.  However, I'm not going to contact him first and won't be in denial if he fell out of love with me.  I'm just disappointed with him on many levels.  I know nothing more than what I explained.  Is he keeping his guard up from the first fight?  The night before we were chatting and I asked him what he was up to; he said writing something personal.  Maybe he's going through some depression still from his surgery, or life experiences?  I think I'll never know.

Its funny as I get both responses from both genders; some say men are more clammed up when they have stuff going on; others say they need someone to talk to and don't push away.  I guess each person is different.  Being how I am personally, I need space before I can talk about it (depending on what it is). I am not banking on hearing from him within the next three months, if at all.  I prepared for that and at least I knew I tried and treated him with respect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2014
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 9:21am
"It sounds like you two never settled what the problem was the first time around......you just went back to whatever it was that time." This is EXACTLY what we did. We just jumped back into how things were without discussing the issue. I'm sure it wasn't the boldest move for either of us. When were were together, it was the elephant in the room. We knew we should about it; but we didn't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2013
Wed, 01-22-2014 - 10:18pm
If he needs you as a friend then continue to be one and good one at that. But let not your desire for a permanent companionship be curbed in any manner. You can frankly tell him about it and discuss with him, if you both can move on, all the while remaining good friends to each other.