Should I stay w/him after 2 years?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Should I stay w/him after 2 years?
3
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 1:27pm
Hi! I'm new here. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. He's 26 and I'm 35. I have a young son who sees his dad regularly. When I met him, he went out to clubs a lot and was unsure he wanted to give up his freedom. We continued dating and got closer. Now he spends quite a bit of time at my apt. We've talked about moving in together soon but he is concerned with how it would be living with my son, my habits that are different than his, etc. I'm concerned too because I've lived with someone before and moved out. It seems like we're both scared and trying to push each other away - especially when we argue.

Last night, we got in an argument after watching that "reality show" Eden. He thought the girl who was being kicked off the show kissed one of the other girls on the lips and said something like "Oooohhh." Then I said so would it be OK if I did that? (joking) and he said well I don't know it might make our relationship weird. I said "How?" and he said - bringing a new person in to be with us might make things weird with us, he said. Then I got all offended because now I think he wants to do it with somebody else besides me, is getting bored, etc. and I get mad and hurt. Looking back at it, I see that I probably started it all. And, like he said, we were just talking. Would that be offensive to anyone else? I guess it's not like he did it or anything.

I know part of it is because I'm insecure because in the beginning of the relationship he went out by himself or with friends quite a bit and lied to me like one night he called to tell me he was working overtime that night then came to my house with a bar stamp on his hand drunk because he went to a concert instead. And one night he went out and the next day I asked him if he got any phone numbers (jokingly) and he just said nothing. Then, after awhile, he said that he did get a girl's number. She was younger and he thought he might go out with her. He later said that he cares a lot about me and didn't want to go out with anyone else but he was scared because I am older (which he thought meant I wanted to get married right away) than him and have a child. He saw a lot of responsibility.

I'm insecure in the relationship because of these things and because I feel like I've stayed with him when I thought I should leave -- and I'd tell myself I wasn't talking to him anymore, but I would call or he would call. And his mom just died 2 months ago, so he'd been living with her for 1-1/2 years, trying to help her out when she was ill. He does have a lot of good qualities. He's funny and handsome with a good job. We have a lot of good things going for us and I love him. And let me be the first to say that I haven't been perfect either. I took about a 3 hour drive to see a guy that I was dating before I met my current BF because he called me and said he was going to Iraq and I wanted closure. I saw him, decided I'd made a mistake and came right back and met my BF out later that night. I told my BF that I saw him and realized I didn't care for him anymore and loved my BF. He was upset by my even going to see him and started distrusting me. So, we've both created our share of issues. And worked thru most of them. I think we're (I'm) at the point where we need to move forward or go our own ways. How do we work thru our fears? Should we stay together or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 3:52pm

You both have alot of issues to work on beofre this relationship is going to stop backstepping and starts moving forward. Both of you have donw hurtful things to make the other mistrust the other one. Now, you both ned to decide if you can move past all of this and move on..together.If not, you both need to move on with out each other.


Id say after two years, looking int couples therapy wouldnt be a bad idea either...it can actually be a great help. I can understand the age issue, and him being scared of you wanting a commitment from him that he may not be ready to provide you with...but after two years, you also deserve to know where exactley everything is going(from his eyes).


Best of luck and welcome to the boards...


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:51pm
I know where you are coming from when you say he's "cute, funny, has a good job" etc, and that you have a lot going for the 2 of you. It's hard to think about giving up the good things because of some bad things. I think though from reading what you wrote, that like the other person said, you both have a lot of issues and you both have made mistakes and caused some hurt and mistrust in the other person. I think too that maybe your BF really isn't mature enough or ready for the real responsibility of a true committed relationship with an adult who has a child. After all he's still in his 20's, he has a lot to learn still. I think if I were you I would start backing off for a while. Give him space and try to concentrate on yourself and what you need and what gives you pleasure. Start spending time doing things for just you and for just your child. Take a trip by yourselves. (you and your child.) I think you and your BF both need time alone to think about exactly what it is you want and whether or not you will be able to fulfill each other's needs. Sometimes you can be involved with the most lovely person who you really care about but when you look at the writing on the wall you can see that it is just not meant to be. It is really sad and hard to get through but you must go on with life. Unless your BF can wise up and be mature and be ready to take on the responsibility of being with you and your child I think I would not think real seriously about a future with this man. Sorry, I wish you much luck and happiness to come.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 11:04am
I think the writing is on the wall. He already sees u as the older woman. The age difference will eventually catch up with you as it has been doing. I would say find an older guy.