Should I try to continue with this guy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Should I try to continue with this guy?
7
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 8:37pm
Hello,

I am a 28 year old female . I live in Alabama.I have been married to a bi- sexual male for 12 years now.We have a 12 year old son.Well last year 2003 we decided to stay living together but start the search for someone that is right for each of us, as we are not compatible at all..We are still married, but are planning a divorce this month.We are great friends and always will be.I met a 27 year old single male at work that is everything I want. I started seeing him July of last year 2003 and by December he was asking me to move in with him, which was scary to me because it was so soon and I am very secure, comfortable where I am. Things went well and we continued to spend time with each other and we both enjoyed it very much, even though all along he tells me he wants me to marry him and have his children and be totally his. He is a very jealous person also, but that does not bother me as much as I thought it would, it kind of makes me feel really special.In June 2004, he told me that he had been seeing me nearly a year and it was time for me to make a move, that he wanted me to be living with him by July 10th 2004.His brother was living with him and sharing the expenses until July and he made him move out preparing for me.I never told him I would move in by that time, I always said I am working on it. He is really good with talking, he told me that he could not stand to see me have to leave him and go home, that my home was with him..He says he has never felt this much love for anyone,and that I was the only woman he wants, and when we are together he has always made me feel like I was the most important thing around.He told all his friends that he had found the woman that he was going to marry, and his eyes always lit up when my name was mentioned.He always tells me he loves me very much and will always love me.Well July 10th 2004, has come and gone and I have not moved. He pressured me up until the first week of August.I told him I was working on being with him all through July and the first week of August, and I honestly was.Everytime I told him I would be with him soon, he would smile and say you arent leaving that hill you on.I love him alot and do want to be with him. The second week of August pushed me back into the scared feeling.I was maybe a week away from having everything squared away and moving to be with him. He told me that I was stringing him along and that I never intended on being with him, I broke his heart and he needed some time to think. Now Im really confused. I wonder if he gave up on me, found someone new, or seen I was almost there and tucked tail to run.I am still talking to him, he will not talk to me about us, he just says it hurts too much, he promises me that we will talk and never calls when he promises me that.He promises me he does not have anyone else, and there is no signs of anyone else being at his house.He does not call me anymore I always have to call him now, and this makes me feel like maybe he is looking for someone else.He will not let me stay the night with him like he used to.Last night I ask to stay the night with him and he said it was not a good idea. He said it is not you.I have alot going on in here and pointed towards his heart.We do still have sex and its still the same, very passionate.But I really need some advice..I have made up my mind and want us to work.Is there any advice you can give me.Should I stop trying to talk to him and pick up the pieces and move on? Should I continue to have sex with him and hound him about us?Please help, any and everything will greatly be respected. Dixy, Alabama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 12:00am

if my calculatios are correct, you have been with your husband since age 16. you have also been a mother since age 16. if you are asking for my opinion - here it is:


first of all - this particular is nasty and you need to get as far away from him as possible. he is controlling- but what is worse is the fact that it doesn't seem to bother you. IT SHOULD. You should NEVER get into a relationship with a controlling man - that will lead only to heartbreak and emotional pain. In the case of a jealous guy - it can often lead to physical abuse. NOT WORTH IT.


second - sincd you have spent most of your life as a wife/mother - I would think that it is time for you to explore YOURSELF for a while. give yourself some time to figure out what yOU want in life - not just regarding "a guy" but what do you want in terms of life, career, money, etc. for example - do YOU want more children? if you don't, then you have no right dating someone who does. and these are issues that should bemade clear from the beginning. and that is just one example. if YOU don't want to move in with someone - then this should bemade clear too.


third -i don't know where your son is in all of this? 12 is a tough age anyway. and you are putting him thru a divorce a tthis age. and now you and his father are living in the same house yet dating? that has got to be confusing. IMHO - you two need to first finish up the marriage, get divorced, establish separate homes (and yes, this can all be done amicably) , and then you can start dating. you really DON'T want to go and move in with another guy at this stage.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 10:59am
I liked the cl's reply.

It was interesting that you didn't talk about what is best for your little boy. That should be consideration number 1 in any decision you make. Generally in these situations the best thing for the children is for them to remain as close as possible to the father (both emotionally and in miles), and for both parents to remain unmarried until the children are adults. Don't even think about shacking up with a man. Remember that everything you do sends a message to your child.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 11:20am
I liked the cl's reply also.

The child needs to be the #1 consideration and the OP needs to learn how to take are of herself.

But I disagree with you that divorced parents need to wait until a child is grown up before they can marry again. I think that is plain ridiculous. You can not ask a parent to put their wants and needs completely on hold. That is not healthy and a terrible example for a child. I would rather see a divorced parent find healthy love with someone else so that the child can see that there is such a thing as healthy relationships in this world. Plus, a parent cannot be a good parent if they are only half a person because they are denying their own needs. They just need to find a way to bridge their needs with the needs of their child. And I don't believe in bringing a man around a child until the woman is quite sure that he is going to be sticking around for a long time. Having men (or women for that matter) coming and going would be terribly confusing for a child and lead to additional abandonment issues because the child would keep having to say goodbye to people that he/she has developed a relationship with.

As for 'shacking up'. I don't have a problem with it so long as the 2 adults have spent enough time together to know that they are very serious about being in a long-term committed relationship with each other. Not just into 'playing house'. At least, not with a child involved. I don't happen to believe that the 'piece of paper' is necessary for 2 adults to be very serious about their commitment to each other. If anything, the gay marriage situation has proved that with the many couples who have been together for decades without the benefit of that piece of paper'!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 11:36am
Jealousy makes you feel special? It shouldn't because it isn't about you. It is about his own insecurity and control issues. You are better off without this man who pressures and manipulates you.

And where is your child in all of this. What kind of example are you setting for him? Don't overlap men. Take time to be by yourself and with your child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 4:53pm
Thanks to all of you for the great information.I knew deep down I should end this relationship but needed the extra advice to actually do it.

I didnt mention much about my son because we have it planned out nicely where he gets all the love and attention he needs. We never bring dates home. And when we go out we do it on alternate nights unless he is visiting grandparents.One of us is always with him.If I go out, my son and husband go out somewhere he enjoys, maybe a ballgame or movie. I also do the same thing when my son is with me. We also have Sunday as a day that all three of us do something together as a family, maybe go to the zoo, etc.We have really spent alot of time talking to our son and making sure that he understands that our decisions are not his fault and that we will both always be a part of his life and he is most important to us.We have a friend psychologist that we talk to before we make any decision to tell our son anything,which has really been a huge help to all of us.So please forgive me for not mentioning this and know that our son is very much loved and taken care of.

* And yes it made me feel special when the wrong guy was jealous of me.It made me feel that I was important and that he didnt want to loose me to anyone.I probally need to work on my own self esteem.

Thanks once more - to all of you for the wonderful advice.I am now ready to make the decision I have been putting off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 11:30pm

"And yes it made me feel special when the wrong guy was jealous of me.It made me feel that I was important nd that he didnt want to loose me to anyone.I probally need to work on my own self esteem. "


not PROBABLY need to work on your self esteem. DEFINATELY. having been int he same kind of pattern when i was younger i can assure you that it is VERY unhealthy to be in a relationship with a controlling/jealous man - and it is even scarier to think that YOU think that this is somehow "ok".


good luck to yuou....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 11:31pm
sorry for the CL hat - I am actually Not the CL on this board....