You know what you need to do. Move into your condo. Get your own bank account and date this man. Eventually, ifyou want to combine accounts again, find out if you can work it out, compromise, get a financial advisor or just sit down with a monthly budget that makes sense.
This may be as simple as just finding out now that you have less in common than you thought and/or figuring out that you don't want to be the mommy in a relationship.
bella, there is no difference between saying awful things and apologizing, and saying awful things and not apologizing. An apology does not take back what you said, and it doesn't offer an excuse. The only way to be the better, or more "right" person, is to not say these things in the first place.
I will say that it does not sound as though you bring out the best in one another. Everyone has arguments, even fights, but if you cannot fight without calling one another names then I would sincerely doubt your "rightness" for one another. I don't want to take his side, because I don't completely agree with him, but I do agree that two people who are truly in love, and good enough for one another to be married, put the other person first AS LONG AS THEIR OWN NEEDS ARE MET. You can't give him #1 priority status before yourself if you are left unhappy.
Disagreements fall into one of these three categories: 1) Problems that can be fixed 2) Problems that need to be agreed to be disagreed upon 3) Problems that will break your relationship
Unfortunately, as you probably have heard, money issues are the #1 cause of divorce. I would say that you need to come to a conclusion about how you handle money, what both of your roles entail with regard to protecting/using your assets, and how you will both change (specifically) your habits. You can (and SHOULD) enlist the help of a counselor to come to an agreement on how to communicate with one another, because this isn't working. Constant fighting breaks a relationship apart until it is ruined. One of you will have to be the one to break the cycle - and since you are writing here for advice I think that you need to be this person right now.
If you cannot do this then you should not be together. Some issues serve as a warning sign that a lasting relationship is not possible.
Please read the following books: Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner
Have you had anger problems, or trouble communicating without using harsh words, with other boyfriends? There was one guy I dated who, after about a year, just brought out the worst in me, and I won't say it wasn't my fault ultimately, but when I fought with him it was VICIOUS and I hadn't had a history of it before or since.
It's definitely something to consider, some people help perpetuate anger and those are difficult people to deal with. If you think that you might have an anger problem it would help to see a therapist, but I truly believe that the wrong person can bring out a side in us that we don't recognize.
Sounds as though your boyfriend has an anger management problem. Unless he faces this, unless he gets professional help with it and learns how to deal with his emotions, not project them on you, abuse you verbally, blame you, this relationship is unhealthy. No matter how much we love a person, if they cannot deal with themselves and others in a healthy, mature and considerate manner it becomes toxic for the people they are invovled with. It's usual for a person in an abusive relationship to lose self esteem...the partner keeps berating them into submission and that's what happens. Unless he is truly willing to face the fact that he has a problem here and get professional help for it, right away, I would not stay in a situation like this which only goes from bad to worse. Protect your heart and well being and make a healthy choice for yourself.
You know what you need to do. Move into your condo. Get your own bank account and date this man. Eventually, ifyou want to combine accounts again, find out if you can work it out, compromise, get a financial advisor or just sit down with a monthly budget that makes sense.
This may be as simple as just finding out now that you have less in common than you thought and/or figuring out that you don't want to be the mommy in a relationship.
Edited 8/28/2008 12:11 pm ET by ciao__gina
Oh, sweetie, I feel for you.
bella, there is no difference between saying awful things and apologizing, and saying awful things and not apologizing. An apology does not take back what you said, and it doesn't offer an excuse. The only way to be the better, or more "right" person, is to not say these things in the first place.
I will say that it does not sound as though you bring out the best in one another. Everyone has arguments, even fights, but if you cannot fight without calling one another names then I would sincerely doubt your "rightness" for one another. I don't want to take his side, because I don't completely agree with him, but I do agree that two people who are truly in love, and good enough for one another to be married, put the other person first AS LONG AS THEIR OWN NEEDS ARE MET. You can't give him #1 priority status before yourself if you are left unhappy.
Disagreements fall into one of these three categories:
1) Problems that can be fixed
2) Problems that need to be agreed to be disagreed upon
3) Problems that will break your relationship
Unfortunately, as you probably have heard, money issues are the #1 cause of divorce. I would say that you need to come to a conclusion about how you handle money, what both of your roles entail with regard to protecting/using your assets, and how you will both change (specifically) your habits. You can (and SHOULD) enlist the help of a counselor to come to an agreement on how to communicate with one another, because this isn't working. Constant fighting breaks a relationship apart until it is ruined. One of you will have to be the one to break the cycle - and since you are writing here for advice I think that you need to be this person right now.
If you cannot do this then you should not be together. Some issues serve as a warning sign that a lasting relationship is not possible.
Please read the following books:
Are You The One For Me? by Barbara DeAngelis
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner
Thank you all for your words of wisdom!
Sounds as though your boyfriend has an anger management problem. Unless he faces this, unless he gets professional help with it and learns how to deal with his emotions, not project them on you, abuse you verbally, blame you, this relationship is unhealthy. No matter how much we love a person, if they cannot deal with themselves and others in a healthy, mature and considerate manner it becomes toxic for the people they are invovled with. It's usual for a person in an abusive relationship to lose self esteem...the partner keeps berating them into submission and that's what happens. Unless he is truly willing to face the fact that he has a problem here and get professional help for it, right away, I would not stay in a situation like this which only goes from bad to worse. Protect your heart and well being and make a healthy choice for yourself.
Best wishes,
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