should I WAIT for his call or MOVE ON?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
should I WAIT for his call or MOVE ON?
5
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 8:06pm
I'm dating a guy for 2 months who is divorced and has 2 young kids and 2 full time jobs to devote his time to--where I on the other hand am just a single 23 year old with all the time in the world..it was obvious to me it wouldn't work. Regardless, I allowed myself to develop feelings for him since we saw each other everyday and he was so sweet and attentive. We eventually did the "I love u" thing but ever since then, I feel like things have changed and he feels like he doesn't need to make an effort anymore. In the beginning, everyday he would leave his evening job to hang out w/ me for a few hours..after awhile his visits were fewer. This past 3 weeks, I've only seen him 4 times. He says he's been getting backed up w/ work and that's why he hasn't been coming over as much, and he says that it doesn't mean he loves me less or he doesn't miss me. I don't think there's another girl in the picture (when would he find time?)and we do talk on the phone A LOT. But lately I've just been frustrated cuz' I miss him all the time and I wanna' do stuff "couples stuff", but he's always so busy and when he has free time, he needs to catch up on sleep.

We've been arguing so much about this lately and I do realize I have to "take it or leave it" but it's hard to leave someone I've fallin' in love with. I've honestly accepted the fact that everything else in his life comes first and I think that I've been very understanding about the situation as it is, but I still can't help feeling frustrated and I cant help but get mad when I call him and he says he can't come over, or when I miss him so much and sometimes complain to him. Well lately he's been saying he's so stressed out that he doesn't want to have those kind of conversations anymore, so it seems like I'm not even allowed to tell him how I feel cuz' he'll just get mad. We had a big fight last week cuz' I was upset that he spent last saturday at work instead of making plans w/ me (yet he was able to go out of town the previous 2 weekends w/ his family). He hung up the phone, telling me that I just don't understand, so I sent him an email explaining that he needs to understand my position, that this is a lot for me to adjust to. Well we didn't talk for a few days and when he finally called things carried on as normal but we never "settled" the argument, nor did I get an apology for the way he hung up on me. He came over the other night and I wanted to settle our discussion so I brought it up, he started getting angry again and saying stuff like "He doesn't want to deal w/ it"...."I don't wanna' talk about it anymore"..."You need to accept it". The only thing I was able to ask him before he RAN OUT was if he even still wanted me in his life and he said yes he did, but of course he didn't call the next day. It's not even about the time issue anymore...isn't COMMUNICATION the most important thing in a relationship?!? I finally sent him a text msg telling him we shoud cool off for awhile to figure things out and I told him to take all the time he needed but to not call me unless he's ready to "deal w/ things". That was 4 days ago and I miss him already :( My question is...is there another way to deal w/ this and to make him understand my side?? Was I wrong to want to talk about a problem that he can't fix?? Should I even wait for his call or should I just cut my losses and start moving on?? Thanks for the advice and just for listening....


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 8:29pm
the best thing you can do when a man is stressed out is to leave him alone. as women we often want to help out and ease their problems by spending time with them... but they just want to be alone. the more you push, nag, and try to get him to come closer or talk, if he's not ready, he'll pull away even more. he's going to have to want to come back and make an effort himself. the only way you can encourage that is to let him be and do your own thing. it's hard, but many women's been through this, and i can guarantee you that the best way to deal with it is, tell him how you feel, don't expect him to say anything, and then give him the space he needs to figure his stuff out. mean while, you are young, you can go to movies, dinners, parties, have something else to do outside of him. im sorry you have to go through this, but it is actually common. good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 9:21am

Okay, you really need to decide if this is something that you can ACTUALLY deal with, and not just something that you are going to continue to "pretend" to deal with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 10:15am
I completely agree with James and if I were you I would read his response a few times.

'I've honestly accepted the fact that everything else in his life comes first'

If this were true you wouldn't be arguing about it anymore and he wouldn't continue to say ' I don't wanna' talk about it anymore"..."You need to accept it".

'is there another way to deal w/ this and to make him understand my side??'

What if he does understand you side? Then what? Will he spend less time with his kids? Will he quit one of his jobs? Will you all of a sudden be o.k. with the limitations on your time with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:37pm
I think you should just move on because this will never make you happy and it's a waste of both of your time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:32pm
Sorry for the pain you are feeling. You aren't going to get him to see your point-of-view because the two of you have different agendas. He's looking for someone that is fun to hang out with, someone that is ok with a part-time relationship, companionship ON HIS TERMS. You want more, period. He's unable to give it, doesn't feel it, or doesn't want it.

You don't say how long he's been divorce, but most people just out of a marriage, aren't looking for another long-term committment. He's got two kids and two jobs. He's busy. He put enough into the relationship to get the attention, sex, time with you he needed, then he stopped nuturing the relationship. He may not be ready ever for the kind of relationship you want.

I vote, stop calling him. Let him miss you. Let him put effort into the relationship. But be prepared, he will call you only when he wants to see you and your feelings aren't a consideration for him.

Other things to think about:

Two months into a relationship barely scratches the surface. When you meet someone, you don't know much about them, you notice certain things, feel an attraction, but you can't see the emotional baggage they carry with them. You want to get to know the person better. Where do you start? Do you try to get to know them on different levels - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically?

In my opinion, takes about a month to develop each and the longer you wait for the physical the better, because everyone can hide their true personality for awhile, usually 3-4 months. Then things change because they aren't just trying to 'get you' or trying to be nice or impress you.

a) Mentally - do you have enough stimulating conversation about a variety of things (not just about when the next time you are going to hook up together) Do you have common interests, like doing the same things, share an activity (not sex) or a hobby. Any uncomfortable pauses in the communication. How about long term goals, career objectives, plans for the future?

b) Emotionally, do you connect? How does the other person feel about family, friends, kids, small animals? Are they compassionate? Empathetic? When you have a bad day do they listen to you or blow you off? Do they really listen or are they distracted at the same time, looking away, wishing they were somewhere else, cut you short? Does the person try to isolate you from your friends and family? Huge red flag.

c) Spiritually - do you have the same belief system on some level or do they think your beliefs are 'out there.' How important is your faith? How important is their faith? Enough to share it?

Sure there are other factors, things like family, friends, schedules, are they ashamed of you, do they take you out in public, does his/her family/friends know about you, have you met them?

There is so much that goes into a relationship. It's easy to get attached right away if you jump right into in bed. It makes it harder to let go if you slept with the person right away, only to find out that your life goals are so different and/or that there are major compatibility issues, yet because of the physical relationship people will try to hold on to a bad relationship longer than just reading the signs of incompatibility.

Then throw in what people want or expect in a relationship and the two of you have different expecations. You can't love him enough to make him want the same things you want.


Carrie