Should it just be easier?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2011
Should it just be easier?
3
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 2:17am

Sorry, this is a long one!

I'm 25, my boyfriend and I got together when we were 19. We had been in the same circle of friends for a year before that, and we were strongly attracted to each other in that time, but I had a boyfriend who I also loved, and our attraction was never more than a guilty secret we kept from everyone, including each other.

The relief of getting together made things quite intense in our first year and a half. At this point, my Dad left my mum, and abandoned us kids as well, and I went through a rough patch. My boyfriend found this difficult to deal with, and with the initial lust fading away, we sort of mistook that for lack of love and broke up. For 24 hours! The break up was more his freak out than mine, and it did take us a while to get back on track. But we did, and it was nothing more than a storm in a teacup. However, if I'm honest, the way he freaked out at the first sign of trouble has always sat strangely with me, and I know realise that he believed he had 'had his chance' and that was it.

Fast forward four and a half years and we were living in a shared flat with two other friends in London. We moved in together because we had to financially and in retrospect, rushing along rather than doing it when it 'was right' was a mistake. However things had been brilliant, and we were happy. At Christmas, he told me he wanted to marry me and have children one day (we have always moved very slowly, conscious of how much 'single' life we are 'missing', and not wanted to resent one another in the future). Shortly after this, his work social life picked up. I was pleased, as he has few good friends outside our social group, and felt it was healthy. But it soon spiraled out control, with two weeks when he was only in one night, and often failed to let me know where he was. This culminated with one night, when he said he was having 'one drink then home'. He got in at four. His phone had run out of battery and I was frantic with worry. We argued the next day, and he told me that that night he had kissed someone. Just once, he was very drunk, and that it was a big mistake. But that he had done it as he had been freaking out about commitment, wasn't 'sure' about us, even though he loved me, and that we needed to split up.

I left, we moved out of our flat. Three days later he wanted me back, he realised now what he had thrown away, and he had learnt a lot (i.e. we all get scared from time to time!). But I said no, then maybe, then no again! During our month apart I had a one night stand; I'm not proud, it was childish revenge.

We are now 'back together' but it is tricky! I love him, and I truly believe he was enjoying his work social life, and for a month, resented what he was missing. He since realised he didn't want it. This is the first time he has happily spoken to me about committing. He is also working so hard, and talks about it as much as I have wanted about it all (which is a lot, I rang him with a load of questions at midnight last night, and we talked for an hour and a half) and hasn't been impatient in the slightest to be questions. And the first time I am the one slowing things down! I desperately want to dive back in, but a part of me thinks 'isn't a relationship meant to be more 'perfect' than this?' Especially as we are still early days. What about in 20 years?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 11:02am

I can tell you one thing, as someone who's a lot older than you--no one has a :"perfect" relationship--everyone has a problem at some time & it's how you deal w/ those problems that determines if your relationship will be successful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 11:12am

First of all, NO ONE has a "perfect" relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2011
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 1:10pm

Sorry, explained myself poorly!