Should my girlfriend dress so sexy to go to clubs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Should my girlfriend dress so sexy to go to clubs?
32
Sun, 04-24-2011 - 4:49pm

My girlfriend is very attractive, and I tell her that all the time. She likes to go to clubs/bars with her friends every other month or so. Problem is, she & her friends dress very sexy when she goes out. None of the girls are single. We've been happily dating for over a year and a half, one of her friends is married, and the other one is in a relationship. Here's what she looks like (the one on the right): http://i54.tinypic.com/2po84cm.jpg

She got upset when I mentioned this and said "fine, you pick out what you want me to wear." I'm not the controlling type, and have no interest in micro-managing her life. She's free to do what she wants, but I still think girls dress like that to get attention from guys (even though I tell her how pretty she is all the time, even when she's without makeup and in pajamas). I don't dress up nice and go to clubs with my guy friends alone, so I don't understand why she has to do it with her girl friends. There's plenty of places they can hang out with her girls and still look pretty without going to a meat market. I always offer to take her to clubs because she likes to dance, but she always turns me down, and rarely dresses like that when we go out (only on special occasions, NYE & birthdays). And part of me is afraid she'll get raped because we live in a society where some people think women who dress like that are "asking for it."

What do you think? Am I right to be upset? Would it be fair if I did the same thing? Would it be a healthy relationship for both of us to act like we're single?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

So let me put this differently...

You want your girlfriend to go out with her friends to a club and be the one who dresses frumpy, and when her friends ask why she's wearing a T-shirt and jeans, she's supposed to say "because my boyfriend won't let me"?

Sorry but women don't get raped because of the way they dress.

If she's leading other guys on, that's one thing, but she wants to feel sexy with her friends by the way she dresses and if she's being respectful to you in her actions, then I'm not sure why you care. Do you think she's acting like she's single?

"Would it be fair if I did the same thing?"

By what, showing more cleavage? There's really no male comparison.

"I always offer to take her to clubs because she likes to dance, but she always turns me down"

Now this might be a problem. You sure this girl is into you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011

No, she doesn't need to wear a t-shirt and jeans, but she doesn't need her boobs out to have fun, either. By "would it be fair if I did the same thing," I meant dressing as sharply as I could and going to a place where women fawned after me. The closest thing to a male equivalent I can think of would be going to a strip club where women fawn after men (albeit for money, but still). And she wouldn't be happy about that.

I'm honestly afraid for her because of the perception that people have in society about provocatively dressed women. In an episode of "What would you do?" they did an experiment where a manager sexually harassed a waitress dressed conservatively to see if anyone stepped in. They conducted the same experiment with a woman dressed in a much sexier outfit, and way more people stood up for the woman who was dressed conservatively because of the perception that women who dress sexy are "asking for it." Here's the clip:

http://abcnews.go.com/WhatWouldYouDo/video/stop-sexual-harassment-diner-10714025

I hold my breath every time she goes to the club. I don't understand why women in relationships have to go to meat markets to have a "girls night out." People who are single and looking to hook up are the ones who mostly go to clubs. Why act single when you're not? She says she does it for free drinks and so she doesn't have to pay at the club (she says she gets free drinks from bartenders, not guys). Still, I don't believe that's free... they're using you to attract paying male customers to the clubs, because having hot women dressed up and at the club makes the club look good. You're essentially trading your looks for free booze. Isn't that a mild form of prostitution?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Hi Rockyhigh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007

You seem to be under the mistaken notion that this is a board where standards of right and wrong and what's good and

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007

Yeah, she is hot!

Regarding the "why does have to go out and dress like that," my sister and her friend, both have children and live with their fiances, they LOVE to go out. They get dressed up, spray tan, where tight low cut things, the works. They like to go to clubs and get drinks and have men pay attention to them. They don't do it every month, but some people just like that - kind of like a hobbie. I am pretty sure they have no intentions of finding men too hook up with, they return home to their families.

So that was my example of why some girls like "going out" like that, but it doesn't mean they are pretending they are single and looking for action elsewhere. I'm sure that their fiances could tell them everyday how beautiful they are, but it doesn't really have an impact on their "hobbie." But I think that is the part that hard for you to understand because it's not something you would do. I am not one to go to clubs, but I get why my sister likes to go out like that.

Would you like her to wear something sexy the next time you two go on a date? Or you would rather she not wear that stuff at all? Because if you did, then I'd ask her to wear that little number on a date.

So when you mentioned this the FIRST TIME she got all huffy and said, "fine, you pick out what you want me to wear?" Or were you dropping hints and then she finally got upset? Did you guys ever talk about it again, but in a real adult civil like manner where feelings were expressed respectfully? Or was it just left at this last huffy episode?

My point is that even the greatest relationships are going to have conflict.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009

We get it, you're bitter toward women. Thanks for your useful comment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
@my_sex_toy45: I know this is a board for women, and that's specifically why I posted here. While I was sincerely hoping you guys could be fair and objective, I knew what I was getting into. I wanted the point of view of women, and got it. I, as a guy, sometimes lack that insight into a woman's mind and I figured what better source than women to find out what you guys think?

I also asked this exact same question on a forum dominated by men (really alpha macho men to boot!). Their opinions and comments were pretty different than the ones here. Some men said I should dump her, but the consensus was that her dress isn't too sexy and there's nothing wrong with what she's doing.

Still, that doesn't address my fear for her safety. Thanks for your feedback.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
What about my careful, reasoned and respectful comments made you conclude that I'm bitter toward women? If I was bitter toward women, why would I seek out their opinions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
@sienna76: Yes, I would love it if she wore stuff like that on a date. She's a gorgeous lady, I like to show her off when she's with me. And yes, most other aspects of the relationship are good.

As for women going to clubs and getting attention from men with no intention of hooking up--that's misleading, and attracts the wrong attention. Why do it if you have no intention? I don't go to a restaurant, pull up a seat and salivate over food I don't intend on eating. Why would men do that at clubs? It's kind of cruel, but more than that, it plays into my fears that some men can't take "no" for an answer... which leads me to my other big concern:

Why isn't anyone addressing my concern that women who dress sexy are "asking for it"? I'm legitimately worried for her when she goes to clubs. There are always fights, drunk idiots, and douchebags who grope her. Every time she goes out, I worry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
@true.blue.strine: this is the most reasoned response anyone has given me on this issue. I think you're exactly right: either we accept each other for who we are, or we leave.

sienna76 asked if this was the first time she'd dressed like this or if I'd dropped hints before... I've dropped hints before, and told her I don't like it, but left it at that. The reason I posted this today and the reason I got upset is because a mutual acquaintance commented on her Facebook and said "looks like she's down" and then suggested that she hook up with his friend because she's "tall" but "he's taller, wink wink." It upset me because it's disrespectful of her and of me. I don't even blame the guy because the way she dressed does encourage that kind of response from people.

I'll be totally honest with you ladies: guys think less of women who dress like that. Right or wrong, guys generally see women like that streaming out of the club and they think that the women are easy. So that's probably why our mutual acquaintance made that comment. I don't like her being seen in that light.

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