Should she be told?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Should she be told?
10
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 1:42am
A relative of mine was physically and emotionally abusive to his wife and children for years. The children are all out of the house and his wife died about two years ago. This relative just announced that he is planning to marry a woman he has been dating awhile now. I don't know her very well but other family members tell me she is a very nice person. I am quite certain that if I were engaged to a man with a history of abuse, I would want to know. Should she be told?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 7:59am

this is not an easy one to answer. i often thought about this - would i tell my stbx's next wife, for example, about his sexual

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 3:08pm
If you know for sure that he was abusive you could send an anonymous letter to this woman, that is if you know where she lives. I know it may not have the effect on her that telling her in person might but it keeps you in the clear and may give her reason to doubt or ask questions of him....it may get her thinking ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 04-23-2004 - 7:50pm
Or are there court records out there or anything? Perhaps you could provide her with a means to see the evidence if need be. Don't shove it in her face but rather just let her know where she can get them if she feels so inclined.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 7:47pm
I am sorry to say there are no court records. Funny you should mention it though, he is a retired police officer. Thank you very much for your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 04-24-2004 - 7:51pm
That is a great idea. Thank you for your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 8:12am
PLEASE find some way to let her know what this guy is about, and the sooner the better!!! I can only tell you about my experience with marrying an abuser whose entire family knew what he was like, and yet encouraged me to marry him knowing full well what he was going to do to me! This guy bullied his whole family for years before he latched onto me. They were only too thrilled to have me take him off their hands. I had no idea what he was like because these guys can be charmers when they want to be, before they lower the boom and then it's too late. I thought he was God's gift..... They watched me go down the aisle like a lamb to the slaughterer's and were perfectly comfortable with that. Even now, I have tried to divorce him twice and they have criticized ME up and down, fearing that if I lose him, he finds THEM again, and they don't want to go through it with him anymore. Every time he is abusive all I can think about is, "They knew..........."

One thing to be very careful about though, you should try to do it anonymously because if he finds out you were the one to spill the beans WATCH OUT. He will probably get the whole family against you. Families are so strange: they can see, hear, taste, feel, touch abuse and the word is still DENIAL, DENIAL, DENIAL!! It is an illness with NO CURE except to GET AWAY.

Do this gal a favor before it's too late. Send a letter (don't sign it), be very descriptive so that she will have to think about what she is reading. Even if she ends up marrying the guy, later on she will realize that there was at least ONE person who tried to help her................

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 1:05am
I agree with you. Thank you for taking the time to help me. If you are still in that awful situation, please get out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 2:26pm
Yes she should be told....you don't want him to hurt another woman. Save her alot of pain and suffering by warning her of him. No woman should be put through any kind of abuse. I don't understand how he even got a new woman after what he did to his last wife. I am guessing he isn't abusive until he gets married?? Because men do that sometimes...you think you're marrying a great guy then boom...they change. Please tell her what he did to his last wife....you could save her alot of pain.

I hope everything works out!!

blondebeauty03

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 4:08pm
Actually, I told my ex husbands new gf what all he did to me. Of course with the stars in her eyes, (Very young), she didnt listen,

STILL, at least now if something happens, the first sign, my warning will be back there in her mind and she can have an informed decision on how bad he can get, what he is capable of and can leave before she has to deal with all the scars I still have to ten years later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 3:01am
Absolutely!!! I wish that someone had told me about my ex's history. His ex wife told me and I just assumed that she was trying to break us up. His abuse toward me has effected me in ways that I didn't think were possible. Abuse is the perfect self image destroyer. Maybe this is your opportunity to try and spare this woman friend of your relative the abuse and the after effects should she ever find the courage to leave. Go for it. If she doesn't listen, at least you can say you tried.