Should she get a 3rd chance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
Should she get a 3rd chance?
10
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 3:16pm

I have been dating a woman since 1997 who lives 30 miles from me. In 2005 I found out she had cheated on me during the last quarter of 2004. The gf's best friend knew all along that the cheating was going on.

In December 2004 a car that I purchased for the gf was used by the other man and was in a wreck. The gf made a convincing story that I bought and I paid to have the car repaired.

We saw couples counseling during November 2005 to February 2006. The sessions ended because of a heavy work schedule for me. During this session the counselor stated that I was in way responsible for the affair and that her best friend had no business knowing about it. I am extremely angry at her best friend for keeping this secret.

In June 2006 on the very weekend my father was being released from the hospital for transplant surgery, she did it again. This time the other man stole her car from her home. She called me with another wild story. The police got involved, found out she filed a false report about the car theft and arrested her.

I didn't spend a lot of time dealing with this as I was preoccupied with my father's health issues. I lost him in January 2007.

Now that I have time to reflect and thoroughly think about what she did to me, I am very angry and want to leave the relationship. She refuses to attend couples counseling again (although she is seeing someone alone).

The other man? He is currently serving a sentence in the East Moline, IL correctional facility. Her? She is a highly educated professional woman.

1. What would possess a smart woman to get mixed up with someone from the wrong side of the tracks twice?

2. You recommend that couples should work things out but I think this relationship is beyond saving, don't you?

3. Am I wrong for being angry at her best friend for not disclosing the truth about the affair and auto accident? Had the shoe been on the other foot I know her "control freak" best friend would have been jumping up and down to get rid of me, but this woman has buried her head in the sand. Why do woman feel this is necessary?

4. Why aren't professionals more effectively communicating that cheating is wrong, wrong, wrong? Do you think tv shows such as Desperate Housewives and Sex in the City glamourize the issue and some woman are too stupid to realize that it is just wrong, wrong, wrong?

Thank You for your time

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 4:34pm

Any professional counselor with a hint of experience does not play the blame game in his or her office. You can only attest for your OWN actions, you did not cause her affair. I can't answer questions such as "why would a smart woman do this?" because sometimes people act out of character and I can't see into her mind. More importantly, in the grand scheme of things... it doesn't really matter WHY she had an affair or WHY she let this man use her car and damage it.

I agree that your relationship is beyond saving. Staying with her is an invitation for her to play you for a fool again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 7:58pm

Eggbert, I agree that the "why" doesn't matter if they are going to split up.

However, if he decides to give it another chance, the "why" is very important. In order to change a behaviour, we need to understand "why" it happens in the first place.

As a hypothetical example, imagine a wife while feeling lonely and neglected while her husband persued other activities (work or sports or hobbies etc). Or perhaps he was just emotionally switched off. While she is still responsible for her own behaviour and choices, if they are to recover, both parties would need to make changes to improve the marriage.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 8:07pm

Welcome to the board no_cheaters,


People do what they want to do because they WANT to do it, period.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 8:50pm
I agree with you, but he did say "I believe this relationship is beyond saving" so I only gave advice based on that statement, which I thought was a pretty strong thing to say
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 9:21pm

She is a liar and a cheat. Without trust you cannot have a relationship. The why in this case is pretty irrelevent. We all have a responsibility to communicate what we need in a relationship - she chooses to go out and cheat rather than work on her relationship with you.

I can't imagine why you're still with her. And most professionals will address the serious damage that cheating does. Go to the bookstore and pick up a book on it - it's devasting stuff. You have every right to be hurt and angry. She betrayed you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 1:10pm

Maybe with a show of remorse, a strong desire not to repeat the same behavior, and a willingness to go to counseling.....

In January 2006 before the counselor and myself she admitted, 1) She did wrong, 2) Having an affair was not worth the trouble
and she wouldn't recommend it to anyone, 3) She could be trusted going forward. Then she did it again 6 months later
and led to her arrest. She knows I do not trust her. She has been told that just as in baseball, 3 strikes and you are
out. It is the bottom of the 9th, 2 outs and she has 2 strikes against her. She says she is trying to improve and won't
make the mistakes again but I have heard that crap before.

You weren't in a relationship with the best friend, therefore I don't understand the expectation that she would come forward. Also, in some situations if the best friend comes forward,
they aren't believed.

I would consider this intervention, if you see someone that is harming themselves or getting themselves in trouble you
speak up. If you have children and those children are participating in harmful activity as a parent wouldn't you
appreciate if someone spoke up? This was no different. My girlfriend exposed herself to someone that is probably a
walking petrie dish - a real disgusting pig. Then there was the property damage. I'm sorry but you don't bury your head
in the sand over an issue such as this. Since I discovered the truth in 2005 the gf is forbidden from mentioning her best
friend's name in my prescence. My expectation is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Cheating is wrong, yet stating that in counseling won't get the issue discussed. I don't watch TV so I can't comment
on those shows. But would say that no "some woman are too stupid to realize that it is just wrong, wrong, wrong?"
as it applies to men as well.

Does the Islamic community still shun woman who are unfaithful?

Do you want to stay with her?

I am losing patience and the passion. There are so many fish in the ocean. Liars are losers no matter what the justification is.

I think I deserve better. As I previously stated because of serious health issues within the family I put a lot of this on the back burner. It's now on my plate in front of me and I don't like the taste of it. Will I miss her after 10 years? Yes of course. But she did some serious damage. She didn't just go out for a few beers, she had sex with a dirty disgusting jailbird!!! 10 years ago she never would have talked to an individual with such a seedy background, let alone suck his wang.

I just don't understand how woman can be so damn stupid by putting their health at risk!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 2:01pm

I've had 3 guys cheat on me, but I don't say ALL guys cheat or ALL guys are stupid.


::I just don't understand how woman can be so damn stupid by putting their health at risk!!


I can tell how upset you are, justifiably so, however, I would hope you would phrase your comments to "THIS woman" (the one you are involved with) instead of making a blanket statment of implying all women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2007
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 11:48pm

You are correct in saying I should not generalize my comments about all women and I do apologize. Some of my male peers can be just as disgusting.

Yes, I am angry and I have vented my anger at her. I called her a whore, and asked her what would she call a woman that slept with a digusting jailbird pig? Her lover has no job, no education, lived with his mother and she was an honors student with a Big 10 University. Go figure!! I have gone as far as to tell her to pick up her belongings in my house and get the f... out of my life. She is still hanging around because she says she wants me and regrets what she did. I am no prude and I'm just as horny as the next guy but there is NO WAY I would cheat on someone in my life. If you are unhappy, end the relationship and move on. DON'T CHEAT.

I think we will agree to disagree about her best friend.

There was a point at which she tried to end her affair in 2005 and I am copying an email message I had with her:

On June 19, 2005 before you came to my parents for the garage sale, you were up very late at night. Between midnight and 1:50 am you made 12 calls. 4 calls were made to Jose and the rest of the calls were made to your home number. No wonder you let your car battery run down. XXXX, what the hell were you doing at that hour???

He was threatening to come over to the house and I was scared. I called him and left messages to not come over. I drove around awhile and called my answering machine to see if he had called. I didn't want to arrive home and find him waiting for me--if he were waiting there. That's why I ran the battery down; I was tired and scared

We are not talking about a nice guy, that's why he is in prison. Had he harmed her, who would have known about this guy? Since this occurred prior to my learning about the affair her best friend new about this. There are some secrets you just don't keep, and I would have made sure her best friend caught a lot of grief from me. Do I want the gf to continue to get advice/support from this best friend in the future? I want this best friend of hers to get hit by a truck.

She has been on a downward spiral ever since losing her full time job in 2003 due to budget cutbacks. She has been in counseling and so have I. Am I a heartless bastard? No, I sympathize with what she has been going through. However she made some bad decisions and she has to be held accountable. She has apologized however I think the hurt is too great for me to forgive and forget. She is very insecure and badly wants the security of marriage however she knows that I think she is crazy because I can't trust her. She seems to think I should easily forgive and forget. She already promised once in 2006 that the affair was over and she can be trusted going forward and 6 months later she was handcuffed and going to jail for trying to cover up a weekend of screwing a pig.
On that night in June when she called me crying hysterically with a story about how her "lover" stole her car, I believed her story and drove to her house with a male cousin of mine. Her story was that he broke into the house and stole the car keys. The truth was that she got jealous because I was spending time with a serious family medical issue. Do you know what it's like to have a police officer tell you that your significant other has played you for an idiot? Do you know what it's like to watch a significant other be led away in handcuffs in front of a family member? The real story was that she let him wash and clean the car, so why he drove off with it is unknown.

Thanks for listening and providing advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 5:32am

I can see why you're angry. What I can't see is why you're asking for validation about ending a truly toxic relationship. No matter how much you love her, you can't make her into a responsible person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 8:51am

Dude, your relationship is clearly over - you have no trust and without trust, what DO you have?

In one of your earlier posts, you said there were plenty of fish in the sea - THERE ARE! Go find a woman who restores your faith in womankind - there are many many women out there that feel as you do - that would never cheat or jeopardize their relationship - go find one of them!

Best wishes,

Coolas