Should we break up?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Should we break up?
4
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 10:45am
I am 26 years old and my boyfriend is 32 years old. We have been together for a year and have a 3 month old daughter together and we live together. I also have a 7 year old son that's not by him. My problem with him is that he is so selfish, immature, and irresponsible. He doesn't care about anyone else's feeling but his own. He always thinks he's right and everyone should listen to him. He doesn't practice what he preach at all. I think he drinks too much and wastes money on alcohol. I am so tired of him wasting money on beer. He finds a problem with spending $36 on a computer chair, but doesn't have a problem wasting that type of money on beer and wine. If I bring up anything that I want, well it costs too much to him, we can get it cheaper. But if it's something he wants like beer and cigarettes then there's no problem. I feel like he wadtes money a lot. He has the nerve to say I waste money like if I go out to eat or something but he doesn't look at himself. We don't have a car and catch the bus or get rides. If I wanna go to a movie, he never wants to go. His excuse is he doesn't feel like catching the bus but he don't mind catching the bus over his friend's, brother's, or cousin's house. It doesn't look like he's ever going to change. If I bring up the fact that he wastes money on alcohol, he admits it, but he doesn't stop doing it. He stills have the nerve to criticize me on spending. I'm always thinking about the bills and our expenses. I feel like the bills come first and everything I get is for the household. If we have money left over to waste then fine, but the bills come first. He does things without even thinking about the consequences. I am so tired of cleaning up behind him, he is very lazy and sloppy. He drops stuff and spills stuff and doesn't clean it up or half cleans. He's always making a mess that I end up cleaning up. I feel like I'm cleaning up behind a 5 year old. He complains that I'm always following him and cleaning up behind him like he's a kid. I also find his 11 year old son a little annoying sometimes. He spills water everywhere and I have to tell him to clean it up. He tore something off of my son's game and I got mad about that. He used up all the ranch dressing pouring it over his food like it was water. My boyfriend says I complain to much, but if I didn't have people giving me a reason to complain, I wouldn't. I'm a very clean and neat person and I don't like where I'm living looking like a mess. He'll leave shoes and clothes everywhere and then complains when I move them. The only thing he'll do is wash the dishes and nothing else. I have to mop the floors, vaccum, clean the stove, asnd everything else or it wouldn't get done. I feel like everyone should clean up behind themselves that are old enough. I am so tired of this, we've been talking about marriage and everything. But I don't think I can be married to someone like this. I'm feeling unhappy and very angry towards him, and I'm always complaining and having attitudes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
In reply to: tenew
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:12am

Why would you be talking about marriage when it appears you can't stand the guy? This is who he is - he is not going to change. If anything, marriage would make it worse because he already knows you're going to continue to put up with his crap.

Can you live the rest of your life like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2007
In reply to: tenew
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:41am

Let me suggest a book for you to read: "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" by John Gottman. This book is really about how to argue in a productive manner, and I strongly suspect that your relationship could use some coaching in this area. I realize that you aren't married to this man, but you do have a child together. He may or may not be a pig, but your approach to dealing with conflict doesn't seem to be productive. It might be a good idea for him to read this book too. It's not terribly long and would likely be time and money well spent.

If your conversations with him are like your posting here, then I'm not surprised that the relationship is not going well. "Complaining" is essential to maintain a relationship. "Criticism" is destructive. It's okay to complain about a behavior, but don't criticize his character or make exaggerated claims about his behavior.

>> My problem with him is that he is so selfish, immature, and irresponsible.

This is a classic criticism of his character. This insult is not productive.

>> He doesn't care about anyone else's feeling but his own.

This is a classic exaggeration. Surely he cares at least a LITTLE about the feelings of others. The rest of your posting contains several more criticisms and exaggerations. I'm sure that he reacts defensively and often attacks afterwards.

It sounds like the problems that you are having are typical for many relationships.




Edited 8/3/2007 11:42 am ET by dr.revel
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: tenew
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 1:00pm

I must tell you that it is frustrating to read about someone who chooses a man who is a selfish, alcoholic slob, has a baby with him and then wants to know what to do about it. Does he want to change? Will he go to therapy? Do you love him? Do you two value the relationship? Is he a good father to both of the kids?

You are in a difficult position and now you need to take responsibility. Do you have family to go to to help you raise the kids if this doesn't work out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: tenew
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 2:26pm

Welcome to the board tenew,


I highly recommend you go to counseling on your own.