Should you give him a 2nd chance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Should you give him a 2nd chance?
17
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 12:27pm
Imagine that you and your boyfriend have been dating for two years. He talks to you about everything and anything. He tells you that he loves you everyday at any given moment. On top of that he introduce you to his family and all his friends. He even gets your name tattooed on his neck. His bestfriend for several years tells you that she believes that he really loves you. You two don't live very close, he doesn't have a way to communicate with you on a daily bases but he trys to call as much as he can despite the circumstances. Okay, now, after all that you find out he cheated on you not once but twice, with two different females, both of them claim to be pregnant by him. You confront the first female who told you everything, she claims that she doesn't have any feelings for him and she wants nothing to do with him, but after you leave later on you find out she tried to get him to take her back (he didn't). The other girl says she doesn't want him but as soon as she finds out that you decided to break it off she jumps at the chance to get with him again. 1st question: do you believe the two girls? 2nd question: Do you try to continue your relationship with him?

Regardless he still calls you, tells you how much he loves you, and how much he wants you back (he claims to be willing to do anything to prove his love for you). You don't take him back but you are willing to give hi another chance. 3rd: Do you give him another chance? (Despite what he did you still love him). 4th: How do you learn to trust him again?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:46pm
If it was me in your situation, I would never get back together with him. Nor would I have talked to the women he cheated on me with. I have learned enough in life to know that that would only make my pain worse, and would not help me in trusting him again. It takes a LOT more than loving someone to create a healthy, happy, long-lasting and successful relationship. Look at the proof -- he's cheated on you multiple times, despite how much he "loves" you. A second chance would change nothing, unless he has completely changed who he is as a person. That rarely ever happens. I think you need to focus on yourself and what it is that makes you want someone like this in your life. The tiger has shown his stripes. Burying your head in the sand won't make your wishes reality. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 1:53pm
I am not sure I understand - how do you know that he cheated? is it just because these two women told you? or do you know from other sources?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 2:00pm
Hon, he didn't cheat on you once, but twice AND this isn't about a second chance it's about a third chance. And he is now going to be a father to children with two different women.... imagine what you life is going to be like - they both claim to not want him, yet their actions appear to be different.

So here's your future - Lamaze class? Visitation, and remember they will be infants, so if he wants to be in his children's lives, he's going to have to see the kids at these women's homes for awhile and surely they will continue to make a play for him. So he's got distance from you, juggling custody with two kids, with different schedules, and their mother's will have a lot to say about the schedule..... AND so how many times is he going to put off coming to see you and be with you, spend time with you, go on vacation with you, because he has new responsibilities?

1st question: do you believe the two girls?

It doesn't matter if you believe them. Bottom line, they are having his babies.

2nd question: Do you try to continue your relationship with him?

I wouldn't but that's me. Why are you considering it? Because you love him, I know. But he betrayed you, lied to you, and now has a whole new life.

Regardless he still calls you, tells you how much he loves you, and how much he wants you back (he claims to be willing to do anything to prove his love for you). You don't take him back but you are willing to give hi another chance.

So what would make this work? Extensive counseling, but you live too far apart, or that will be the excuse. Does he know anything about himself besides that he likes instant gratification, that he's a liar and a cheater?

3rd: Do you give him another chance? (Despite what he did you still love him).

You still love him because you think you are nothing without him, that you will hurt to much to let go, to move on and get over him. He's betrayed you hon.

4th: How do you learn to trust him again?

With lots of counseling.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 2:32pm

Well, someone told me this once and I believe it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 4:00pm
'Okay, now, after all that you find out he cheated on you not once but twice'

I would end it, plain and simple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 02-10-2004 - 4:45pm
Well, let's see.......In two years, he's cheated only two times but got both of them pregnant? What do you suppose the odds of that are?

I think it's Maya Angelo who said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them".

Now, imagine your future with a man who is totally faithful and trustworthy who adores you like this one "says" he does.

JMHO, keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:08am
So you say you love this guy, which is why you're having such a tough time making a decision. I think of it this way... cheating is the absolute worst thing a guy can do when they are in a relationship, let alone get TWO DIFFERENT WOMEN pregnant!! Not only does it hurt you emotionally, but it puts you at risk health-wise. So if you put up with this, you might as well tattoo 'welcome' on your forehead, because you'll be a doormat for the rest of your life. If he loved you, he would not have slept with someone else. Kissing someone else is one thing, but for me, having sex is unforgivable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 11:41am
How can I be sure that there telling the truth? Because both girls have tried to date him before me and him were even together, he chose me over them. So how do I know that their not lying about the whole situation? Females do things like that, I can't really trust what any one of them say. He may be telling me the truth and they could be lying and vise versa. I thank you for replying because your advice would help me if I knew who to believe. Since I don't its like I'm stuck, on one hand I have this guy who I love and have been in love with since the day I meet him and then on the other hand I have these two GIRLS who called me telling me what he supposedly did without proof. The thing of it is both of there stories are exactly the same like they planned what they were going to tell me. So I'm confused on the whole situation. Majority of the people who have replied are only giving me one sided comments and thank you, but its not helping me to figure out what to do. The girls could be lying or he could, no one has thought that maybe their lying because even females who I'm friends with have lied to get a guy, claiming that thier pregnant when thier not and I've even had friends of mine get pregnant on purpose to keep a guy. How do I know thats not the case in this situation. I'm not sayig I believe him and I'm not saying I believe them either thats my main problem. When I get proof that they are pregnant and it's his then I'll have to let him go I understand that. But I don't want to make a mistake and break-up with him if he didn't do anything wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:15pm
::When I get proof that they are pregnant and it's his then I'll have to let him go I understand that. But I don't want to make a mistake and break-up with him if he didn't do anything wrong.

So at this point you don't even know if they are preg or if he was with them? From your first post you wrote:

Okay, now, after all that you find out he cheated on you not once but twice, with two different females, both of them claim to be pregnant by him. You confront the first female who told you everything, she claims that she doesn't have any feelings for him and she wants nothing to do with him, but after you leave later on you find out she tried to get him to take her back (he didn't). The other girl says she doesn't want him but as soon as she finds out that you decided to break it off she jumps at the chance to get with him again. 1st question: do you believe the two girls? 2nd question: Do you try to continue your relationship with him?

Ok, should you believe them? No. Because they have a hidden agenda. Either to break the two of you up or to win him for themselves. HOWEVER, you say they are 'claiming' to be preg, so you don't know that they are. Do you know if he really cheated or are the girls just saying this? What does he say? Did he cheat or didn't he? If he did, in my opinion there are no second chances, if he didn't then you are going to have to find a way to remove yourself (and he has to be willing too) from the company of these women.

Long distant relationships are extremely hard. Bottom line, do you trust him? What's his continued connection to these women? I mean, if he chose you, why is he still talking to them and seeing them?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 02-11-2004 - 1:30pm
My two cents:

no frickin' way. (excuse my French).

This guy proved himself a liar. While he was convincingly declaring his neverending love to you, he was cheating repeatedly. What kind of evidence do you have that he is not lying right now? And if these women are indeed both pregnant with him, do you want to saddle yourself with someone who will have to pay child support to two different women? What future does this leave to you?

Believing the other women? regardless of whether they are really pregnant with him or not, which can be established with testing beyond any reasonable doubt, I would never want to be in a situation where I always have to watch out for other women because they are waiting to jump on my BF (and he would not say no!).

IMHO, your guy does not deserve anything above and beyond a robust butt kicking. he is trying to manipulate you into getting back to him, so that he can play you as he did before. Cut contact with him, and start meeting other men. Just my two cents.

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