Sibling is contemplating divorce/affair
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| Mon, 12-17-2007 - 5:26pm |
My younger sister (we'll call her Sheila) is contemplating a divorce. She got married at 23, and has been married for 3 years. For the last 2 months, she has been in an online relationship with a man overseas. She thinks she is in love with him (and says he's a great guy who's in love with her), and wants to get divorced and bring this man to live with her here in the U.S. I love my sister (we're best friends), and although I can support her decision to leave her husband (they were having relationship problems before she met her online beau), I'm wary of this overseas guy. I don't know what to do.
A little background: Sheila didn't date much in high school or for the first 2 years of college--she was well-liked and popular, but body images issues and overbearing parents discouraged her from dating. Then, she met her future husband, who we'll call Jack. He was/is a wonderful guy. They fell in love, but Sheila had to move back home when I was finished with school, because my parents didn't trust her to live on her own (again, something I blame on myself). They had a gorgeous wedding (and Sheila remained a virgin until her wedding night), bought a house, and everything seemed great.
Sheila and Jack have different, sometimes clashing, personalities. They're both very intelligent, but Sheila is a little more outgoing. Although Sheila is very sweet and kind (people usually take to her right away), she can be stubborn and a bit of a know-it-all. She can also be very sensitive about being in a "mixed" marriage (we're Afro-Cuban, Jack is Caucasian), esp. given that they live in small town. Jack is laid-back, and not easily offended. Sheila thinks Jack is naive or unwilling to see the discrimination/prejudiced attitudes they often encounter. This has been a point of contention throughout their relationship, and I believe it's become a bigger deal in the last year b/c Sheila now works in minority affairs. This new job has its share of headaches, though, and Sheila feels her work frustrations are spilling into her personal life. Recently, Sheila told me that their sex life is not fulfilling--Jack is frustrated that she doesn't orgasm, but can't "stay with it" long enough to get her there. Sheila now feels trapped--he's a great guy, our parents love him, they have a home together, pets, etc. But she now says she got married too young, and that she wishes she had experienced more before getting married. Jack and Sheila don't go out too much anymore, either; she likes to go out with her friends, and he with his, but they don't do a whole lot together anymore. She started chatting with someone online, and now it's all she can think about. I'm scared for her: this guy is younger than her (only a year, though), he doesn't have a job (though according to her, not for lack of trying), and he doesn't really speak English.
I don't like to judge my sister. I love her, and respect her so much that I'm usually confident she's going to make the right decision. But I know she's not doing the right thing. I don't know if I should suggest couples counseling. An open marriage is not a possibility. Does it sound like there's a chance for Jack and Sheila to fix their marriage? Does my sister not deserve that chance?

'Does it sound like there's a chance for Jack and Sheila to fix their marriage? Does my sister not deserve that chance?'
Does she want that chance? It sounds like she made up her mind to leave her husband.
Does she often follow your advice? If so, give her your advice and then let her make her own mistakes, Reality will set in soon after this online guy gets here and the relationship will end.
Welcome to the board weezrgrl,
If your sister wants to even give her marriage a chance, she is going to have to end the affair with the guy online. This is only pushing her farther away from her husband.
If you talked to your sister about this would she listen to you? Just tell her that you don't think this online thing is the right thing for her right now and that she should resolve her marriage one way or the other before getting involved with someone else.
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Your sister's relationship problems belong to her. No matter how much you love and care for her, unless she wants to get help, there's not one thing you can do. There's no point in your asking what's possible here. It's your sister who needs to be asking. Clearly, at the moment, she feels she's in love with someone else. All you can do is tell her that it is dangerous to develop feelings for someone online who she barely knows. Suggest to her that she seek some counseling, in person. If she chooses to do so, that's great. If
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I think it would be a good idea, being a good and helpful sister, to offer the idea of counseling and the concern that she do the right thing.
But you should also be aware that you do not know better about her marriage than she does. A marriage is between two people only, no one on the outside really knows the weight of what goes on - no matter how much she tells you. It is HER marriage and really, if she feels that badly about it to leave, that is her decision alone.
I don't think you should presume to know what is best for her regarding the marriage, but be supportive and definitely offer suggestions that may be helpful for her. Hopefully she ends this phase of her life soon enough to save a marriage with a man who may be very good for her.