Sick of fighting & being P/T
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| Wed, 04-21-2004 - 2:43pm |
My boyfriend treats me great; We have been together 8 months. I know that he loves me, I trust him, we get along great except for one thing..........HE DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME FOR ME, and **I am not exaggerating. I am not the needy / clingy type who needs to see him 4 times a week**. But since I met him he has been working 7 days a week (his choice he wanted extra money)and seeing me for two short visits a week at most. He was supposed to quit his second job (he promised me) when he started this certification course (he will be in it for 3 months, weeknights he just started), and now he is not quitting it- he is working 6 days a week and now, telling me that he may not be able to see me on his ONE DAY OFF off all of the time- if he has to study. I am sick of this.
I know he isn't blowing me off, I know that he loves me and tells me that he wants to marry me, but lately we keep fighting because I am sick of never being able to do anything, barely seeing him much, etc. We never go on fun dates, we never see my friends, we never freaking do anything, because he never has time and he gets mad at me for getting mad.
He tells me that I am foolish if I break up with him, because he is doing this now for our future. How can I WANT a future with someone who spends NO time with me????? We fought like mad this past Sunday, and I still feel bad vibes. He is annoyed with me, and I'm annoyed with him.
What do I do.........what would YOU do?

Some people prioritize spending quality and quantity time with someone they're in a relationship with. They consider the relationship integral to their overall enjoyment of life - and thus it is a prioritized entity and so is the partner.
This guy may be a really great, motivated, sweet, kind, intelligent man....BUT...he prioritizes "getting ahead" over being present in a participatory way in a relationship. He wants a relationship to be a side-entity that he has - and utilizes for his own needs and purposes (not uses you - that's different)..but it's not "as much of a priority as his certification, his second job, his getting ahead, etc. etc."
You want someone who prioritizes a relationship in the same % that you do - that wya you're not having to constantly fight for attention, or fight because of lack of it. They want wha tyou want - nobody's fighting and everybody's happy.
But, two people that don't prioritize the same things in teh same percentages are always fighting, always "sacrificing", always "comparing" and none of it is positive as a rule.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
It took me soooo long once I started dating again (been divorced for 3 years) to find a single 30'ish guy who wasn't a womanizer, drunk, pill head, drug addict or bum. It's tough out there. I do love my beau; he has great morals & values, he isn't addicted to anything, he comes from a great family, etc. It would be so tough if I ended things, which I am not ready to do just yet.
But the fighting is wearing us both down and I am really starting to doubt if things will ever change. The last huge blowout we had about 2 months ago (over his lack of time)- he PROMISED that things would change. He PROMISED to cut his hours at his second job down, he promised that we would "date" and spend more time together. But now I'm realizing that that is just talk to keep me happy.
Something always comes up where he "has" to keep his second job. He needs the money for this and that. Don't we all? This Sunday was SUPPOSED to be his first one off, and he decided to work. He said one more won't hurt; it's his last, he swears. He got furious that I got upset. That was our most recent blowout.
Now I'm supposed to hang around and see what happens because "it's going to get better".
And other people consider providing for and upgrading the lifestyle of their partner essential - and they're not into sharing time, interests, converation and fun with this person. Their idea of a "great relationship" is being able to provide lifestyle upgrade to someone in exchange for that someone "benefitting from the upgrade and being in their life."
I mean, honestly....if you had lots of interests, hobbies, goals, and pursuits - if you didn't have a life laden with responsibilities and obligations that you were looking for a partner to "help you with, shield you from, and eliminate in some portion" - you'd find this guy to be an "ideal guy" with is set of priorities.
It's that you're looking for someone to give you direction, impetus, motivation, assistance, and companionship so that you "have a great, full, complete life by your definition" - that is th eproblem.
I mean, this guy is busy working two jobs - because he prioritizes working to get ahead. And when he gets ahead - he's going to spend just as much time gtting more ahead, while attending to what he's already got in terms of assets, possessions, and investments. He's continuously going to be 'working" to either get more, or maintain what he's got while getting more. That is where his "identity" is - so that is where his priority is.
You're wanting an "identity" in great part thru a relationship - I could be wrong. Maybe you've got professional aspirations, and educational pursuits, and personal hobbies and goals and you really don't have much tim to see him either. but it sure seems like you've got more time on your hands that you thought would be filled with fun, sex, conversation, and shared interests WITH a partner than he does.
Two different sets of priorities...that's all it is.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Here's why: He is working to earn more money for this and that b/c that is what he prioritizes as important in his life. There will not be a "one day" when he suddenly cuts his hours back and starts spending more time with you. If that's what was at the top of his priority list, he'd be doing that now. In his mind, you probably are a priority and he thinks you'd be foolish to leave him. Well, of course. That's because in his mind things are going fine -- because he is doing what he wants to do, what he prioritizes as important, and thus he is happy and content. Again, this is another reason why he's not going to change his ways one day. It is COMMON for workaholics to complain about the hours they work and say they'd rather not be working. They see it not as a choice but as a responsibility, an ambition, etc. But the bottom line is, it IS a choice. And what would suddenly one day make him change his thinking, his desires, his ambitions, his priorities, his goals, his wants, his needs....? He may say they are for your future, of course. In his mind that's his reason for living as he's living. But "one day" and "the future" are not going to suddenly arrive at any one certain point. They are intertwined with the here and now. Just as you said -- how can you plan for a future with someone who's not doing what's necessary (from your POV) to develop that relationship in the beginning. If you feel you're unable to develop a solid base and foundation by interaction and becoming close, when are you going to go back and do that? At some magical day in the future when he thinks he's earned "enough" money to stop working so much? I think that's called RETIREMENT!
What I hope you see is that this "one" problem in your relationship stems from a fundamental difference you and he have in what you see as priority in your life and in this relationship -- and that is a difference that's going to be an ever-present obstacle. Yes, it's a real downer that you've found a terrific guy that you hate to let go -- there are many positives you share between you. But unless you're on the same page about wants, needs, goals and priorities (in a relationship as well as in life, in general), logically speaking you will not be able to both be truly happy and content together -- because you want, need and prioritize differently. Neither of you is right or wrong -- you're just not on the same page in a crucial relationship area.
so find out if he is just being a workaholic to make some money and go to school cuz he has to find a career, and u r being a spoiled brat or or or
he is a real workaholic
i'm married to a guy who began w days for us, and now he is out of the house at 6am and home at 11pm yes, he is a physician, but so what, who cares..he ain't seeing patients alll day, until 11pm, and he is not cheating. i help him out sometimes
but find out which is the case
dating now should be fun but he is going to school and needs to work
find out find out b4 it is too late
kittiesx6
I don't understand- he is taking a certification course (he is trying to FIND a better career, he's no high power professional, so you guys know) but he has no time to study, because he is working too much. He is working too much to see me as well. It's not my fault that he is trying to establish himself a little later in life than everyone else. It's not my fault that he has to work two jobs to make his bills, so he says. The way he is doing things (putting work over study now too), he's not going to get ahead when he fails his course anyway- if he continues to go on like this. But I can't worry about it anymore, huh. I give up, I really do.
I have been bending all along, for 8 months. I run to him on the weekends whenever he has a few measly hours to spend with me. I meet him after work and stay over on the weekends, and watch him run out the door back to work both days. I've begged him to take a day off so we can actually have one day together, but he never does, he just promises that he will. He tells me know that this is the last Sunday that he is working while he is in class, again promising. Then last night- out of anger he says, "Just because I'm off on Sundays doesn't mean I can spend every Sunday with you, I have to study sometimes." I felt like he said it just to be mean. I was like , "Okay, you should study".
I give up.