Signs of Cheating

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Signs of Cheating
8
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 9:31am

I recently read an article about signs of cheating. The article mentioned approx 32 signs. How many of these signs must be present before one can definitively says someone is cheating? I can't imagine that one or two of these would be a cause for alarm. I dont want to jump to conclusions esp. if there may be a good reason for why they may be exibiting 1-2 of the signs.

thank you in advance for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 11:21am

There's no set rule, those "signs" are made up by one person whose experience differs from a lot of other people. The list isn't a be-all-end-all checklist to determine if someone is definitely cheating or not. Also, your instinct counts for a lot. If you have to look at a checklist of cheating warning signs because you're afraid he might be unfaithful, that's a warning sign too.

Could you possibly post the list here and maybe tell us which signs he's exhibiting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 12:50am

Here is the list. At the bottom, I have listed the numbers that apply to me.

1. Your mate is more attentive to your needs than usual. This is due to the guilt feelings experienced by the cheater in the early stages of his or her affair. The attention will diminish as the affair continues.

2. Your mate begins buying you gifts — lots of gifts. These are "guilt gifts" purchased because your partner feels guilty about betraying you and showering you with presents makes him or her feel better.

3. Your mate's behavior is causing a gut feeling in you that something isn't right. If this happens, pay attention to your instincts. Ignoring them means you want to blind yourself to the truth. You know your mate's habits, routines and attitudes better than anybody, so be suspicious when these things change.

4. Your mate frequently picks fights with you. Doing this gives him reason to get mad and storm out of the house and thus the opportunity to meet a lover. A cheater may also do this because of mixed emotions he is feeling about betraying you.

5. Your mate constantly talks about your relationship ending when you fight or argue. She says things like, "What would you do if our relationship ended?" or "If anything ever happened to us, I would always love you like a friend." In general, she seems very negative about your relationship. Your mate makes these statements because she has a lover to fall back on if your relationship ends. If your partner repeats these kinds of statements often, be suspicious.

6. Your mate becomes very moody. He or she seems very upbeat and excited when leaving you but acts somber and depressed when around you. If your mate is in a long-term affair, he/she will try to keep both relationships running smoothly. Any problems the cheater has in one relationship will spill over into the other relationship as well. This is inevitable.

7. Your mate never talks to you. You live together but don't interact. He has become cold and inconsiderate of your feelings.

8. Your mate's taste in music suddenly changes. For instance, she always listened to pop music but suddenly starts listening to country music. Your partner might be listening to and growing fond of this new type of music because her lover listens to it.

9. Your mate lacks self-esteem. This doesn't necessarily mean he will go out and have an affair, but an insecure individual often looks to others for guidance. If an insecure person's needs aren't being met, he might find the desired feelings of security and positive feedback in an affair with someone else.

10. Your mate continually criticizes another person. She is trying to make you think that type of individual would never be of interest to her, although there actually exists a secret attraction.

11. Your mate criticizes things about you that he or she once found attractive and appealing.

12. Your mate easily becomes offended at the comments, however harmless, that you make.

13. Your mate stops paying attention to you, your children and home-life in general.

14. Your mate begins closing doors when you are around, when before he or she would leave them open. For instance, the Bathroom-Door Rule: Couples in long-term relationships often leave their bathroom doors open while attending to necessities even if their partners are nearby. As affairs develop, the cheating mates will close bathroom doors, distancing themselves physically and psychologically from their partners.

15. Your mate stops complimenting you on your looks.

16. Your mate stops saying, "I love you."

17. You mate acts guilty when you do something nice for him or her. You are supposed to be the person who is making life miserable and the relationship untenable. By doing something nice, you force the cheater to think about what he or she is doing.

18. Your mate turns the table and accuses you of cheating but has no evidence.

19. Your mate would rather spend time with friends than be with you.

20. Your mate shows no interest in your relationship's future.

21. Your mate stops being affectionate.

22. Your mate is more interested in reading a book or watching television than talking with you or making love to you.

23. Your mate frequently talks about the problems a friend, neighbor, coworker, course instructor or classmate of the opposite sex is having.

24. Your mate begins using new catch phrases or starts to tell types of jokes or express opinions that are unusual for him or her.

25. Your mate pays less and less attention to your children. They seem to sense something is wrong and don't seem to be as emotionally healthy or secure as they once were.

26. Your mate has been acting emotionally distant and withdrawn but when you ask about it, he doesn't want to discuss it and becomes very protective of his privacy.

27. Your mate seems disinterested and distracted during sex.

28. Your mate talks in her sleep and mentions the name of a particular person on more than one occasion.

29. Your mate seems startled or confused when awakened. This uncertainty may be caused by not being sure which bedroom and which lover's bed he or she is in.

30. Your mate's behavior is such that your friends begin asking you what's wrong. Close friends and family members often will notice tension or discord between the two of you before you are fully aware of it.

31. Your mate easily becomes offended when you make normal and natural inquiries and may demand to know why you are checking up on him or her.

32. Your mate's sleeping pattern changes considerably from the norm and may include unexplainable exhaustion, restlessness, frequent nightmares and sleep-talking.

The ones that apply to me are as follow.

#3 - of course
#6 - but there have been issues with depression in the past
#12 - this is a big one.
#14 - just started, but usually it's beacause it is just too noisy in the house lately.
#16 - only says it when I say it first
#18 - turns table when he does not want to answer a question. not necessarily about cheating.
#26 - Not necessarily withdrawn and distant, but not as close as we used to be.
#31 - and then #18 happens.

please tell me I am overanalyzing!

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 6:32am

Here's my two cents: You are sort of over-analyzing. Not a clear answer, I know. Here's why I say that. So far what you are indicating could be indicative of a problem in the relationship that isn't necessarily cheating. You are indicating that he is in a place where he *might* start cheating if your relationship doesn't change. That does not mean it's all up to you! It means that the two of you need to work together to figure out what the problems are and then what the solutions to those problems might be.

If he starts becoming more secretive, hiding his cell phone/cell phone bill, erasing internet history, etc.; if he starts not coming home on time or leaving well before he normally does more than normal; if he starts being more affectionate or stops having sex with you- those are some of the really big red flags. So far, what you are seeing are red flags of a problem that isn't necessarily cheating, as I said.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 7:07am

A lot of things on this list are pretty stupid and really have nothing to do with cheating. Closing a bathroom door doesn't indicate anything except the fact that he doesn't really need you to watch him pee. It's also a checklist of things that might indicate general problems in your relationship, which is more like what your situation sounds like. Also a big thing to ask, is there a specific person who you think he might be cheating with?

I think you should have a talk with him and tell him you feel distant from him lately. If you truly think this relationship is worth saving then have a heart-to-heart talk, don't keep him in the dark about how you're feeling. People who love one another should allow themselves to communicate frankly. Whether or not he is cheating, the amount of trust you have for him is extremely important.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 9:13am

I don't know of any specific person. But when he goes to visit one of his friends, he is a different person which leads me to believe that it may be one of his friend's friend that he may be cheating or considering cheating with. He is different in that he rarely picks up his phone when he is there. When I leave a message he calls me back or if I don't leave a message, he will call back at his convenience. This is not the case when he is elsewhere.

I have tried to be understanding that he is with his friend and give him his space. But when it has happened almost every time he goes to this specific friends home, one tends to get a little suspicious. I don't doubt that he is at his friends house. The question is who else is there that is causing him to not pick up his phone right away.

Is it crazy for me to think that he would want to talk to me no matter what is going on in the house? This is the way I treat him. No matter where I am or who I am with, I will pick up the phone if it is appropriate, if not, I will send a txt msg. I may be a little spoiled by the fact that he picks up the phone whenever he is anywhere else.

So do I have something to worry about or am I being paranoid?

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 10:33am

It sounds like the 2 of you just aren't getting along, regardless of whether or not he's cheating.

Have you had a serious, calm, heart-to-heart with him about working on the relationship?

Also, do you ever go with him to this friend's house?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 11:46am
Yes, we have had talks and we are on the same page (at least I think we are). I think we are getting along. when we are together there arent any problems. Yes I have been to the friend's house with him and everything is normal when I am there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 4:52pm

You know, whenever we go looking for something, we always find what we're looking for, whether it was there

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