Situation is making me NUTS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Situation is making me NUTS!
4
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 5:18pm
Hi all --

I'm in a bit of a mess and I hope some of you can give me your take on the situation. I've been seeing a guy who I love very much for nine months. He's got a great sense of humor, is very affectionate, and tells me he loves me all the time. We really click, and he keeps in very good contact with me. However, little by little over these past nine months, I have learned things about him: he in not in contact with his family due to bad blood (or something), he has a lot of debt, his drivers license is suspended because of an accident in got into (still don't understand the details on that), all of his relationships except for me (he says) are "superficial," and when I have a need that conflicts with one of his, he has started getting angry, yelling at me, making rash generalizations, and then withdrawing for two or three days. He is 37 and I am 33.

Earlier in the relationship it seemed like we had similar goals, but now I'm noticing that he seems to just want me to "fit into" his life of going to soccer games and hanging out at bars playing pub quizzes. We have a lot of the same interests in terms of movies and things like that, and can always have good conversations, but I'm feeling that rather than moving on in life and us creating a life together as a couple, he wants me to just be a part of his existing life. He becomes so radically unfair at times -- for example, he said he wanted me to drive out us to the wake of his friend's father who died, and when I hesitated because I was very tired, he said, "You just don't wanna meet any of my friends -- fine, I'll never ask you to do anything with my friends again!" I have been to activities with him quite a few times, and I felt this was an unfair statement, although admittedly I don't look forward to his activities but am glad to do them with him when I have time and energy.

Anyway, I'm sorry this is long, but I told him last week I need some time to think. He got EXTREMELY upset, told me to just break up with him now and get it over with. Finally he told me to take my time and call him when I'd thought about things. I've thought about things over the past week and realize I would like to save our relationship if possible, so I left him a message saying so last night. Haven't heard back from him. I suspect he thinks he probably can't give me what I want in terms of a future (I had explained to him that he needs to have a plan for our dealing with conflict, for dealing with his debt, a solid plan for the future -- he does talk about marrying me all the time but I see no way we'll get there with things as they are).

Does it sound like this relationship is already over and done, like we want different things? Or does it sound like there's a chance for the relationship if he can change? Or does it seem like I need to do some changing? (By the way, he IS in therapy and on medication, although I question his dedication to therapy since he skips every so often.)

Thanks for reading, I'd really appreciate any thoughts!

toriphile322

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 5:53pm
'he has started getting angry, yelling at me, making rash generalizations, and then withdrawing for two or three days. '

Not the makings of a husband, let alone a boyfriend. He is verbally abusive, has no motivation or communication skills and acts like a child. Seems it is time for you to move on and find someone you deserve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 7:57pm
Thanks for that response -- it's good to get an objective opinion!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 8:33pm
I agree with this post - I have a policy on finding the right mate. Here now, ready now or no go.

He is not ready now. Maybe it is okay as a boyfriend but not as "partner FOR LIFE"

Throw him back to sea and go out fishing again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 9:27pm
Thanks for replying -- the more I get others' takes on this situation, the better I can see it. I am just so close to it, you know?

I agree he is not ready. Even with him as a boyfriend this is difficult, but this would be intolerable in a life partner.

toriphile322