Sleepless in New Jersey

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2001
Sleepless in New Jersey
6
Tue, 12-25-2012 - 10:46pm

Dear friends,

It has been 2 long harrowing years that I've been trying to make things work with my husband.  Two years of the same frustrating talks over and over.  Two years of empty promises that he'll turn over a new leaf.  It's Christmas Day and we went to bed arguing about the same thing we've been arguing about for the last 2 years.  

Let me start off by saying that I know I'm not perfect.  I know that I have my own faults, but my husband's overall gloom and lifeless personality is really tough to bear for me anymore.   No, he wasn't like this when we met, but I noticed this change since we had a child.  Ever since, he's never been the same.  He always seems to be tired, depressed, unenergetic.  Our son is 7 years old now and he sees his dad not doing anything.  We both work and we share our responsibilities with our child (which I totally appreciate), but by the time we're home, all my husband wants to do is sit on the couch and check his blackberry or watch TV.  He doesnt' like to exercise and doesn't watch what he eats.  Yes, he's overweight now and not only is it so disheartening for me to see (of course, I want my man to look good), but more importantly, he's not setting a good example to our son.  Oh, yes, it's dry in the sex department too.  I have to plead for it.  Then we get on the same cycle of talks over and over again.   I've suggested he gets himself checked out by the doctor (for sleep apnea, depression among others) - he says he made an appointment but never goes.  I've even suggested marriage counseling - he doesn't want to.  

I'm so exhausted.  2 years of the same thing over and over.  I feel like I'm talking to a wall every time.  Honestly, I'm surprised that I haven't cheated on him yet especailly when there's a really hot guy at work, who I know is interested in me.  But, I know it's not the right thing to do.  ANd I know cheating won't fix anything even if I pretend to do it just to wake my husband up.   But, it's not fair to me, and  I only stick it out for our son and my morals.  

Does anybody out there have any good suggestions?  How do I get out of this rut??  What's going to motivate my husband to snap out of whatever this is that's taken over him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Wed, 12-26-2012 - 1:32am

Go to counseling by yourself.  You seem to be at a stand-off, something lots of us have dealt with.  He may very well be depressed but it's unwise for anyone here to diagnose him, you, either.  But if he says he'll do counseling and then just doesn't go, either go alone to get the ball rolling....OR tell him you've made a joint appt. on blah blah blah day and you'd like him to be there.  Somebody has to make the first move there, so you do it.  Your situation is more common than you think, one half of the couple gets home and literally sits down for the evening, while the other is left to deal with cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc.  BEEN THERE!!!  He has to want help, all you can do is encourage him to do something, and hopefully he'll decide joining you in an appt. would help you both.  Some therapists do prefer you come in by yourself at first, anyway, then later  do joint appointments.  About the hot guy at work, just say no.  Nothing wrong being attracted to someone else, you're married, not dead.  But you will always have the option of saying no, it's a choice.  Won't fix a thing. 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 12-26-2012 - 3:48am

I would insist on marriage counseling, and if he refuses to go you may have to tell him you want a trial seperation or something that will get his attention as to the seriousness of the problems in the marriage. Sometimes men won't make an effort to fix marital problems until they know you are serious about having one foot out the door. Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-26-2012 - 10:35am

Unfortunately it's not really possible for you to motivate someone else to fix their life.  You have asked him to go to marriage counseling and he said no--I would put it to him straight--I'm unhappy in this marriage but I want to make sure that I've done everything possible to try to fix it.  are you telling me that the marriage isn't important to you & you don't care if we get divorced, cause that's where we are heading if things don't change.  I would think that you would at least want to try to fix our problems.  See what he says.  I do agree that if he still won't go, you should go by yourself because again, you want to feel that you've tried everything before throwing in the towel and maybe the therapist can give you some suggestions on how to take a different approach.  You can't really control what your DH eats outside of the house, but you can buy healthy food and not buy junk food if you want him to eat healthy at home.  You could suggest going for a walk together, joining a gym together (most have babysitting facilities) or going dancing together--make it all seem like fun, not work.  If he does have sleep apnea, it means he's not getting a good night's sleep so it's making him tired.  Do you think if you made the dr's appt he would go?  The thing is that you can only do so much--you can make suggestions for exercise, for example, but you can't forcehim to exercise.  so only you can decide whether you can bear to live like this for ever--I think the nagging is obviously not working and continual arguing over the same thing is not working either.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 12-26-2012 - 5:08pm

mwheland wrote:
<p>Dear friends,</p><p>It has been 2 long harrowing years that I've been trying to make things work with my husband.  Two years of the same frustrating talks over and over.  Two years of empty promises that he'll turn over a new leaf.  It's Christmas Day and we went to bed arguing about the same thing we've been arguing about for the last 2 years.  </p><p>Let me start off by saying that I know I'm not perfect.  I know that I have my own faults, but my husband's overall gloom and lifeless personality is really tough to bear for me anymore.   No, he wasn't like this when we met, but I noticed this change since we had a child.  Ever since, he's never been the same.  He always seems to be tired, depressed, unenergetic.  Our son is 7 years old now and he sees his dad not doing anything.  We both work and we share our responsibilities with our child (which I totally appreciate), but by the time we're home, all my husband wants to do is sit on the couch and check his blackberry or watch TV.  He doesnt' like to exercise and doesn't watch what he eats.  Yes, he's overweight now and not only is it so disheartening for me to see (of course, I want my man to look good), but more importantly, he's not setting a good example to our son.  Oh, yes, it's dry in the sex department too.  I have to plead for it.  Then we get on the same cycle of talks over and over again.   I've suggested he gets himself checked out by the doctor (for sleep apnea, depression among others) - he says he made an appointment but never goes.  I've even suggested marriage counseling - he doesn't want to.  </p><p>I'm so exhausted.  2 years of the same thing over and over.  I feel like I'm talking to a wall every time.  Honestly, I'm surprised that I haven't cheated on him yet especailly when there's a really hot guy at work, who I know is interested in me.  But, I know it's not the right thing to do.  ANd I know cheating won't fix anything even if I pretend to do it just to wake my husband up.   But, it's not fair to me, and  I only stick it out for our son and my morals.  </p><p>Does anybody out there have any good suggestions?  How do I get out of this rut??  What's going to motivate my husband to snap out of whatever this is that's taken over him?</p>

Cheating is not the answer.It won't wake your husband up: it'll give your son a reason to despise you.

Your husband sounds like he's clinically depressed.

What were the circumstances surrounding the child 7 years ago?  If sex has dried up, then it could be that he doesn't want to create any more children with you and abstinence is the best way to accomplish that.  Have you gotten your tubes tied so that you can't get pregnant? Do you want more children? Does he?

If you feel your marriage is over, talk to a therapist on your own. If you still come to the conclusion after seeing the therapist that your marriage is over, then make an appointment with a divorce attorney and pay for your divorce so you can be free to chase the "hot guy at work".

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2001
Tue, 03-26-2013 - 10:08pm

Hello ivillage friends,

I don't want to jinx myself, but so far 2013 has been good to my marriage.  

Since I last wrote in December, it seems that my marriage has been turning around for the better.  It seems that a spell has been broken.  My husband, for some reason, has snapped out of the odd funk that he was in for the last 2 years.  He has been taking care of himself, has gone to the doctor for tests, and is finally with me.  

What's more, hot guy at work, moved to a new job where he travels constantly, so there are even less chances for us to bump into each other.  Less eye candy for me, but also a relief.  :)

I'm really working on getting hot guy out of my mind and focusing on my marriage and family.  I believe in miracles, and I think what has been happening are miracles.  I always prayed to God to lead me to the right path, and I know that He had a hand in these developments.  Prayer is simply powerful.  

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2001
Tue, 03-26-2013 - 10:08pm

Hello ivillage friends,

I don't want to jinx myself, but so far 2013 has been good to my marriage.  

Since I last wrote in December, it seems that my marriage has been turning around for the better.  It seems that a spell has been broken.  My husband, for some reason, has snapped out of the odd funk that he was in for the last 2 years.  He has been taking care of himself, has gone to the doctor for tests, and is finally with me.  

What's more, hot guy at work, moved to a new job where he travels constantly, so there are even less chances for us to bump into each other.  Less eye candy for me, but also a relief.  :)

I'm really working on getting hot guy out of my mind and focusing on my marriage and family.  I believe in miracles, and I think what has been happening are miracles.  I always prayed to God to lead me to the right path, and I know that He had a hand in these developments.  Prayer is simply powerful.