slowing down and backing up

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
slowing down and backing up
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 4:07pm
Well, my (ex?) boyfriend got scared and wanted to slow down and back up. Not be in a committed long term relationship. BUT he says he still really likes me, digs me, and wants to see me. I should state he's recently divorced after 11 years. Thought he could be in such a relationship and tried. I've decided to try this as it may be rewarding and at least we may become good friends, and I care for him very much. I'm now dating other people and am trying to look at this from the view that at least we can date and have fun and see what happens. Like I said, if we end up friends, great. My only worry is if he's either trying to appease me, or all over the map with his emotions.

So, the latest is he said last week he missed me and wanted to see me, so, when we spoke today he said he was going to see if he could get off work to come over, other than our set date for Sunday. I said that would be great and that I missed him. He pointedly said he was looking forward to seeing me. I said so you don't miss me...and he said hey, now, and that he was looking forward to seeing me. He has said things in the past and then retracted them and this has caused me some pain. I am trying to be more evolved n my emotional process but I'm baffled.

Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 4:20pm
People just out of a divorce haven't re-established their personal identity, redefined their values, priorities, or set new personal goals and begunt o achieve independent success.

they're not sure who they are, what they want, where they're headed or how they're going to get there. That's not a position from which to choose a mate based on long-term goals, needs, and requirements....that's ONLY a position to date people in that you can enjoy the moment with - with no requirement for the future.

Stop projecting into the future - and if you can't do that and just enjoy the moment, move past him.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 4:24pm

Of course he cares for you and likes you. You've been there for him, been his girlfriend, etc. It would be stupid of him not to care.

But having the burdens of a long-term relationship isn't what he wants right now. He's been honest and said so.

If what you REALLY wanted is to just casually "date" him, you wouldn't overanalyze his every word. You want to date with the hope he'll want you back, and you are dating others to bide your time until he "comes around" (you hope).

This may happen. Unfortunately in my experience it's liklier that it may not. But it's not going to do any good to date him at ALL when you both want different things. You'll make yourself CRAZY.

Take my word for it. You'll be analyzing "hello" and "goodbye" next, and it's all downhill from there.


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 4:25pm
I agree!


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 10:10pm
It took my dh 10 years to get over the pain and betrayal of his relationship with his cheating xw, and they were only married 14 months. You can't possibly imagine that this man is ready for the kind of commitment you are looking for in such a short period of time after being married for 11 years. I am sure that he does "dig" you, and that he does want to spend time with you. But he is not in the place in his life where he can commit to you. If you want my honest opinion, continue to date other people, and in a year or two, try a relationship with him again if you don't find someone more compatible in the meantime. Who knows? You might find that he "digs" you more for giving him the time and space he needs.