small problem but still bugs me

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
small problem but still bugs me
6
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 4:18pm
I have an issue with something that I'm not sure whether I'm overreacting, being jealous, or being controlling or what. I have been seeing a great guy for 6 months and we are very serious. The problem is that he has a picture of a friend who he used to have a big crush on still on his desk/bookshelf. I wouldn't have a problem with it if it was just a friend but he really liked this girl before. I feel like he should at least put the picture away now that he's dating me and telling me he wants to marry me. He says that she gave him this picture (he may have asked for it) as a goodbye present when he left that city to move here to Chicago 4 years ago. The picture is a professional portrait of her that is framed. Am I wrong to feel awkward about this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 4:24pm
Are they still in touch? Did he move recently? Did they become friends after the crush? Does he speak of her like he loves her?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 4:34pm
They still talk about once every month. He moved from there about 4 years ago. He doesn't mention her to me because he knows it's a sensitive issue with me because 3 months ago, I asked him about the picture. I think they were friends first and then he started to really like her. I think she said she didn't want to date him so they never became officially involved. She was supposed to come around Valentine's Day (which I thought was really weird) for a visit, but they had scheduled this visit before my boyfriend met me. My boyfriend and I both agreed that we wanted to spend V-day together and he asked her if she can come to town the week after but she said she couldn't. She was going to stay at his apartment and one of them was going to sleep on the couch....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 4:45pm
Hmmmm.... well this sounds like something he has to come to terms with IF he still has feelings for her. If that is true then it isn't fair to you. Has he spoken to you about getting past his crush? Don't shut him out. Allow hin to tell you about it so you won't be worrying internally.

Is she still going to visit?I think if she comes then you will learn a lot. Hae you already spoken about meeitng her when she is out for a visit? That will give you a good sense of how he feels about her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Mon, 06-02-2003 - 5:07pm
He says that he loves me and only me. I just keep thinking, "if you love me, then why do you have her picture on your desk?" He keeps saying it was just a gift and that in general, he likes to hold on to "fond memories." I don't know if she is planning on another visit or not. He has told me that he has told her all about me which is a good sign. I just feel like he isn't ready to let go of the past, maybe?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 2:30am
well if he likes to keep memories then maybe you should give him a picture and things so he can keep those around.And is she the only picture he has or what?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 11:08am
He has another picture of two male friends with him in it right next to this picture. He told me last night that he will put the picture away and that he thinks that maybe he should close some doors from his past and that he has been holding on some things too long. I thought this was a good sign although I did have to ask him his true feelings for her and he said he did not like her romantically but would like to still be her friend if she lived here and not in San Francisco. But he said that even if she would live here, that he would consider her a friend and no more. However, she doesn't live here and he said that they really don't keep in touch very much now. I found out that they have been in contact recently because she wants to sell her car and that 5 years ago he co-signed a car loan with her as a friendly favor. So he had to take care of some things concerning that. Personally, I was shocked when I heard this - he must have been a really good friend to do this. Anyway, supposedly things are being taken care of with this car situation. I still worry because I'm his first serious relationship and I really think sometimes he's not in touch with all of his feelings and doesn't have that much experience in relationships. That's why I'm hesitant now in the relationship but I guess time will tell. He never told me about the car situation until our talk yesterday which I initiated.